Sunday, 14 December 2014


An OECD report on rising income inequality across the developed world has confirmed what many observers with at least a piecemeal understanding of life have thought all along: in countries like Britain and the US income distribution is now about as equal as it was during the years leading up to Peasant Revolt of 1381. But the report has also shocked many by revealing that some perennial ‘good guy’ countries are also coming under the spell of neo-liberalism, abandoning things like progressive taxation and knitwear, in favour of corporate subsidies and latex thongs. One such country is New Zealand - shocking Lord of the Rings lovers the world over, and delighting the shit out of chuckling Aussies.

“When I saw the country’s name on the list I thought, oh no, New Zealand? Not you as well!” said centre-left blogger, Barb Ityewat, “Where the fuck are those of us that believe in an egalitarian society meant to live? Canada has become like the US, the Dutch keep acting crazy, Sweden is too cold and also now right-wing, and now New Zealand as well? Damnit!”

The government in Auckland responded to the report by claiming that though the findings were concerning, the New Zealand public should still count their blessings that they weren’t living in Australia under Tony Abbott.

Prices of New Zealand’s exports have remained robust in spite of the negative press, though interestingly, demand for New Zealand lamb has sky-rocketed in Qatar, netting huge profits for Halal-ready exporters. One meat exporter from Dunedin said it was because “the Qataris love anything that is the product of an unequal system. They really get off on that.”

Surprising fans of Reaganomics.

Monday, 8 December 2014


Nigel Farage surprised even the most cynical of observers this week when he blamed his inability to arrive in Wales on time on – what he believed to be – immigrant-fuelled traffic on the M4. Rather than giving any credence to his opinion, most people took the pronouncement as confirmation that Farage really does blame EVERYTHING on immigration. ZEITlies takes a look at a few other things ol’ Nige is likely to blame on those blasted migrants from overseas…

1.       Climate change
Warmer winters, boiling summers – most of us put this down to the effect of growing levels of CO2 in the atmosphere. Not Nigel though, who sees the rising temperature in the UK as further evidence of immigrants looking to impose ‘their ways’ on the British public.

2.       Failing British schools
Immigrants up to no good again, says Nigey. They come over here with their goddamn aspirations and hard work, and now they are making our kids look like duffers!

3.       His own inability to perform sexually
It has nothing to do with his long-standing erectile dysfunction, his reptilian jowl, or the liver spot on his chest shaped like a camel. Farage blames his inability to make a woman orgasm on Labour and now the coalitions’ bleedin’ open-door immigration policy.

4.       The quality of his dinner last night
It was dry, tasteless, mass-produced rubbish! After all, it was cooked by his wife – and she’s a bloody immigrant!

Farage muses over who to blame.


First it was the shocking leniency of the sentence handed down to Oscar Pistorius for shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp; now it is the mind-blowing acquittal of Shrien Dewani for killing his wife Anni - South Africa has firmly established itself as THE destination of choice for men wishing to murder their partners.

With high rates of crime, chasm-like disparities in income, a well-entrenched societal and judicial racism – South Africa has seemingly all the ingredients an alibi-seeking wife or girlfriend killer would want. One Johannesburg travel agent is looking to take advantage of his country’s new-found status:

“We’re offering tours to the country for men in relationships they need to extricate themselves from, owing to severe personality disorders or closet homosexuality,” said Jacques de Meuve-Leuver, “We will book hotels, flights and arrange for tours into the more dangerous townships in the middle of the night. We have a safari option too as an add-on.”

Mr de Meuve-Leuver claims to have received enquiries from several interested men residing overseas, but was unable to disclose their names without an adequate bribe. Following payment of the bribe, ZEITlies learned that amongst others, de Meuve-Leuver had received enquiries from Kanye West, David Beckham and the Duke of Edinburgh. 

Paradise... for murderer-loving men.

Thursday, 27 November 2014


Seventy-five year old grandmother, Ethel Biggut from Rotherham, realised her worst technological fears last Tuesday, when she accidentally deleted the internet whilst trying to locate a folder of photos on the laptop her son had given her.

“When my lad came and showed it to me, I told him I was worried I’d delete something important, like the internet,” said former primary school teacher and National Front membership secretary, Ethel, “And then the other day when I wanted to look at a photo of my granddaughter, instead of finding the folder on my computer, I ended up deleting the internet.”

A spokesman from Biggut’s internet provider, Slownet, said they investigated the incident and concluded that Ethel had simply deleted her web browser, and that the internet was in fact fine.

Senior citizens frequently mock penis sizes whilst chatting on Skype.


As Mr Justice Mitting ruled that on the balance of probabilities, Andrew Mitchell most likely did call PC Toby Rowland a ‘pleb’ as he left Downing Street last year, the former Tory chief-whip was left ruing the emancipation of plebeians across the country. A member of Mitchell’s legal team was heard saying the Tory MP was considering raising an army to defend his good name.

“He’s utterly disgusted that he isn’t allowed to say what he wants and ride his bike where he wants,” said a close friend of Mitchell’s, Henry Buttersnatch, “He thinks it’s about time someone showed those blasted peasants who’s boss!”

Early indications suggest that Mitchell’s plans haven’t aroused much support from the Tory front bench, though George Osborne is believed to have tried to hatch a similar plan last year.

Like a lot of cyclists in London, Mitchell is a complete tosser.

Monday, 17 November 2014


A leaked government report has revealed many Whitehall mandarins (and tangerines) fear that the country’s migratory birds could be joining ISIS when they fly south for the winter. Secretly commissioned research has uncovered evidence of a flock of pigeons from East London becoming radicalised and possibly flying to ISIS controlled Syria to join the fighting.

“We are working to deal with the threat,” said Home Office mandarin, Frank Lee Odias, “We are certain that birds have become radicalised, we have solid intel on that. I mean, the source was a convicted crack dealer, who was adjudged a pathological liar by the country’s top psychologist, but still, his intel was solid.”

The report also revealed fears that radicalised battle-hardened birds returning from ISIS next summer could cause havoc in the UK, with contingency plans already taking place to install anti-aircraft batteries across the country’s airports. 

Birds returning from ISIS in suicidal attack formation.


To celebrate thirty years of his whining on a global stage, former Monday-hating Irish crooner Bob Geldof has decided to record another celebrity record in aid of suffering people in Africa. The outbreak of the Ebola virus was a crisis that was said to have met the “Four Pillars of Geldofian Intervention”: it was located in Africa, didn’t involve any fighting, the considerations of multiple stakeholders could be conveniently ignored and it was something you could make a ‘rockin’ tune about’.

“I’m fucking well pissed off about it man, that’s why I’m doing this” said Geldof, leaning on a medieval walking stick and clasping a globe in his other hand, “I mean, I can’t record a song about Africa all the time, so I have to pick and choose my moments, and of course I could think about the problems in other parts of the world but I really don’t give a shit… but I am fucking well pissed off about this man.”

Geldof’s supporters have hit back at accusations that his latest attempt at righting the injustices of the multitudes by recording a “catchy choon” is little more than the egotistical grandstanding of a bumbling old fool:

“Nah, it isn’t,” said an unnamed supporter.

In a surprising announcement following news of the new Band Aid record, UKIP released a press statement saying they will also be releasing a charity record, to commemorate the suffering of middle-aged xenophobic little-Englanders across the UK. Stars who have agreed to perform include former S-Club 7 member and long-time racist Jo O’Meera, former Big Break presenter and veteran bigot Jim Davidson and anti-immigrant rap-duo “Prejj U Dis”.

Geldof's audition shot for the Apprentice.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014


In a shocking discovery that has vindicated a statement made to the press earlier in the week, defence secretary Michael Fallon has discovered a swamp of boggy peat comprised exclusively of immigrants, located on the outskirts of forthcoming by-election town, Rochester. Fallon triumphantly announced that his previous claim that Britain was to be “swamped by immigrants” was in fact a portent of astonishing prescience.

“This is exactly the problem I was referring to earlier in the week,” boomed a shirtless and chest-beating Michael Fallon, “Swamped by immigrants? Here is a swamp made entirely of immigrants! I have never felt the erection-inducing throes of vindication so much in my life!”

Conservative and UKIP bloggers have been quick to seize on the discovery, suggesting that Enoch Powell had been right – though wrong on the exact landscape feature – and that it is likely that the entire UK would be one immigrant swamp by as early as February 2015.

A spokeswoman from anti-racism organisation, E-Kwality, denounced the discovery as nothing more than a hoax:

“We visited the site earlier in the day and saw that it was in fact some immigrants, picking some fruit in a farmer’s field,” said spokeswoman, Charity Imployi, “Unfortunately it had rained rather heavily that morning so the workers were quite muddy. When Fallon arrived he immediately removed his shirt and began screaming that it was an immigrant swamp. It was hard to reason with him.”

 The last native man of Britain.

Sunday, 12 October 2014


Legendary musician and one time partner in seminally important folk-duo of the sixties and seventies, Art Garfunkel, has spoken out on the issue of the Ebola virus, which is now spreading its way out of Africa and across the world like a marauding malevolence, seemingly unstoppable to the forces of good, rather like UKIP. Garfunkel believes that when applying the principal of Occam’s razor to the situation, given the virus' genesis in Africa and onward transmission to the West, it is most likely that Paul Simon is the man responsible.

“Everyone knows he goes to Africa all the time, exploiting those groovy people, it’s so sad, yeah so saaad, so sad I know, so sad I know….” said and then sang the sixties-warbler, “And then we know he travels a lot generally, I mean hello? It’s obviously him that’s spreading the damn thing.”

Paul Simon immediately responded to the accusations, calling them “fallacious and incredible” and adding that Garkfunkel was “little more than a raven-haired fantasist with peanut balls and a mushroom for a dick.”

As a precautionary measure, the US Government has quarantined Simon and his immediate friends and family, having already put down the oldest, fattest and most ‘dispensable’ members. Simon’s lawyers appealed the decision to quarantine Mr Simon and his family, but in an unfortunate verdict, the lawyers were also been sent into quarantine as a precautionary measure, leaving Simon in a dire situation.

Garfunkel: "Sometimes I swear you could smell the Ebola on him..."


In response to the pathetically cynical attempt by The Sun newspaper to assist Britain’s Muslims in proving their Britishness, members of an East London mosque have erected a statue of long-time alcoholic racist and reigning Best Briton Ever, Winston Churchill, made entirely from old copies of the Qur’an, hoping to affirm their identity as British Muslims.

“We hope it sends a message to all and sundry that we are as British as everyone else,” said the statue’s creator, Kamal Yupip-ul-Islam, “But, we are Muslims, so like this statue, we are sort of made of old Qur’ans, and of course, a natural fruit-based adhesive.”

A local UKIP councillor was quick to take to Twitter to voice her disgust at the mosque’s statue, in a stinging denouncement of the statue and its creators:

“@Iaintracistyoupaki what a disgrace! Disrispeckting cherchill and giving us the Obama virus! They’ve gone to far."

However, the statue and its intentions have received praise from many artists in the London art scene, including bed-scene-queen Tracy Emin, who said:

“Well Churchill is a subject I tried to tackle as well,” said Emin whilst smearing corn-fed chicken excreta onto a poodle on her lap, “But I decided to use the medium of chilled whale semen, which was an ambitious but ultimately unsuccessful idea.”

The Churchill statue in Dover is made entirely from bird excreta.


Spanish hospital quarantines Ebola patients in nearby nursery school – With several disgruntled health workers in Madrid tweeting photos of a Madrid hospital’s cell-shatteringly sorry efforts at keeping an Ebola patient in quarantine, it became apparent that Spanish authorities were banking on Ebola germs to be about as easy to spot as a five-stone Labrador. Further surprising miscalculations have included sending quarantined patients to ‘chill’ at a local nursery school, and asking health workers to shower with their patients in order to ‘create solidarity’.

Obama finds the image of himself in an old picture in the attic has gradually turned into George W. Bush – As his first botched attempt at a military incursion into the familiar stomping ground of misguided US Presidents falters in the face of stern resistance, Obama realises that ISIL is quickly becoming another Iraq – in Iraq… and Syria as well this time. As the president’s worst fears slowly come to fruition it is reported he was further smashed by a blow of Oscar Wildean proportions, when he discovered that an old portrait of himself long stored away in his attic, had slowly changed into a 
portrait of George W. Bush (wearing a cowboy hat and casually grasping his phallus).  

Narendra Modi to star in the latest digital remake of Star Wars – Following his bewildering deployment of Star Wars lexicon in front of thousands of delirious Indian Americans at a glitzy event in the US, Narendra Modi has been offered write-in role in George Lucas’s latest digital remake of Star Wars. It is reported that Modi will play a benevolent leader from a far-away planet of merchants and IT workers, and will appear reasonable, wise and beneficent, but with a slightly questionable attitude towards Muslims.

"Politics shouldn't influence the judiciary" said the cow.

Friesian cow turns down job of Attorney General in Wisconsin – A Friesian cow has turned down the job of Attorney General in Wisconsin, citing the growing incursions of political influence to be her main reason for stepping back. The cow further added that she wished the new Attorney General the best of luck but re-iterated that she was not seeking to take office, now or in the future. The cow explained that she would spend the foreseeable future grazing in a field and swatting flies with her tail, and beyond that, possibly a family law practice.  

Wednesday, 10 September 2014


Along with the plethora of misinterpretations, delusions, misjudgements and general confused ramblings surrounding Scottish independence, it has been reported that large numbers of Scottish members of the far-right BNP (British National Party) have joined the SNP (Scottish National Party) in anticipation of independence, unaware that there may be slight ideological differences.

“Obviously we welcome anyone who wants to join us in making history,” said SNP spokesman Hamish Ewadtaedrink, “But we want to make it perfectly clear, we are not looking to form an ethnically pure Scotland. I mean we sort of are, like, we don’t want English people here. Well, that’s not true, we do want English people, just not British… or Chinese or something.”

One Scottish BNP member explains his decision to join the Scottish National Party:

“I thought it was just a straight swap really and that Salmond has a lot of Griffin in him if you ask me,” said lifelong racist Donald McDonald, “Give him a glass eye and you’ve got the full package.”

The BNP has remained silent on the latest exodus of members from its ranks, though many insiders are now wondering whether ethnic Scots should be a new focus for their racist designs, with one far-right blogger claiming “they’re basically foreign now, which means they need a kicking”.

Scot BNP members' prejudice extends to small-case letters.

Monday, 1 September 2014

Saturday, 30 August 2014


A survey conducted by polling organisation, GRE-CPol, which interviewed over ten thousand UK residents between the ages of sixteen and thirty, discovered that a staggering eighty-five percent of people now list narcissism as a hobby. Narcissism is now by far the most popular hobby amongst young people in the UK today, beating previous top hobbies ‘watching TV’ and ‘fucking about on the internet’ into second and third places respectively.

“Obviously we framed narcissism quite widely, to include more than just selfies,” explained GRE-CPol statistician, Stan Dardevyashan, “We included things like the recent ice-bucket challenge, most holiday snaps, and photos uploaded of third-parties in whose reflected glory the uploader seeks to bask in.”

The government’s opposition was quick to respond to the findings, blaming the population's growing infatuation with itself on the government’s agenda of privatisation, the deconstruction of the state and what 
Harriet Harman described was “proto-Nietschzian-facist misogyny” - after speaking to journalists gathered outside the International De-criminalise Paedophilia Conference (known by regulars as the DP Conference) where she was giving the keynote speech

Queen narcissist Lady Gaga later tweeted that she thought the survey was a “totally poo joke”, before moments later tweeting a picture of herself pouting, pushing her cleavage together and holding a cocktail with a rasher of bacon in it.

There's always time for a selfie.

Thursday, 14 August 2014


BBC Sport presenter and all-round delightful lady, Sue Barker, has been put on suicide-watch following the revelation that the only man who ever got close to taking her heart (and her flower), could in fact be a kiddie-fiddler. The allegations that Clifford Richards, or Ciff Richards to his fans, may have been involved in the abuse of a young boy has shocked many the nation over (though no one who has seen a leather-clad Richards in his video ‘Wired for Sound’…) and is said to have sent Barker into the depths of despair.

“She just went into the garden and started hitting tennis balls all over the place, it was chaos,” said neighbour, Iris Tamicase, “Then she cleared the balls away and did some weeding, but she still looked awfully upset.”
Fellow BBC Sports presenters have been quick to offer their support:

“As soon as I heard the news about Cliff Richards, I thought, my God, how’s Sue?” said a concerned Gary Lineker, whilst applying himself with Ambre Solaire, “I just want her to know that we’re all thinking about her, and I hope the allegations aren’t true. Even though, let’s face it, if you’ve seen the video ‘Wired for Sound’, you know it’s probably true.”

Other showings of support for Sue were made on Twitter, with fellow Wimbledon presenter John Inverdale providing further encouragement:

@ExposedChest99: Sorry to hear abt #CliffRichards @SueBarker Lchin up, I’d still slap your touche anyday! And I’m not a paedo… technically #IWasSmashed

Gaby Logan also chimed in to buoy her BBC colleague:

@Gaby’Logz’Logan: Sorry to hear the news Sue. Stay strong! I guess you won’t be doing #Wimbledon next year @BBCCommissioning I’m available!

Sue never enjoyed the boy's doubles as much as Cliff.

Thursday, 31 July 2014


Sales of hand creams have almost doubled in the last few weeks, as the Israeli Defence Force steps-up it’s maniacally misguided attacks on the much blighted Palestinians of Gaza, causing millions of right-minded Jewish people the world over to face-palm more than ever before. With attacks - that are about as proportional a response as disciplining an unruly child by making him chew a hand grenade - set to increase in the coming weeks, Jewish people across the world prepare themselves for some serious face-palming.

“It’s terrible what’s happening out there, I can’t even watch. The whole time my face is in my hands,” remarked Manhattan resident, Oscar Grouchovski, “If it’s gonna be this way, then I want to make sure my hand is soft and that it smells nice, so I’ve got a three litre tub of Nivea in my car.”

One North London Synagogue has already set up a face-palm station, treating its worshippers for face-palm injuries like contact eczema and the dreaded ‘hand-print face’. In one week alone, the station managed to use over 100 litres of Neutrogena.

“Apparently Neutrogena is for hard working hands, can you see any more hard working hands than this right now?” exclaimed  the station’s founder, Rabbi Shoutenberg, “We’re using it by the bucket! I mean really, the bucket! Look, Ishmael is squeezing tubes into a bucket right now…”

Shareholders of major hand cream companies like Dove and Nivea are said to be delighted at the recent boon in sales, leading many to now speculate whether it is in fact hand cream companies that are fomenting the situation in Gaza to their own advantage. 

Bloody news is on again...

Thursday, 24 July 2014


Lovers of bullshit the world over are waiting on tenterhooks pending the outcome of the investigation into the shocking attack on flight MH17 (in an incident described by one Malaysian Airlines shareholder as a “fucking piss-take”), with many inside the Kremlin believing the bullshit Putin will be forced to spout in defence could be the finest bullshit he will ever speak.

Despite constant denials of Russian involvement by the Kremlin, there are now more fingers pointing towards Moscow than in a Soviet-era pointing farm (where hundreds of peasant children would be forced to stand for hours and point at the Soviet capital in reverence to whichever illustrious leader was in office at the time).

Reports from Moscow have stated that Putin is well aware of the gravity of the task he faces - with the plane’s flight recorders about to be analysed in the Netherlands - so has begun work on his bullshit response earlier than normal.

“I’ve heard it will be his best work yet,” remarked former Kremlin insider and bullshit analyst, Leonid Alovadiflov, “Allegedly he is pain-stakingly fabricating a fiction of the utmost complexity, with dynamic characters, profound themes and startling drama! I’ve heard there was an extra-terrestrial plot-twist in the story line, but my source cannot be verified - mostly because he was shot.”

Other analysts familiar with the workings of the Kremlin have added further fallacious fuel to the speculatory fire: “The C.I.A. intercepted some communications recently which suggest Putin has been reading a lot of Tolkien, so we expect his bullshit story to even include its own language,” commented Harvard analyst, Buster Capinnem, “The US is already thinking of a new language of its own in retaliation, though at this stage it’s not clear what they will do with it". 

Maybe I'll say... ghosts did it...

ZEITlies – Voxpop

As bombs rain on Gaza and the Israeli Defence Force increases its efforts to redress sporadic Hamas rocket attacks, ZEITlies catches up with an IDF spokesman for a brief chat on proportionality…

(ed -  To IDF Lawyers… this is in fact a joke…)

ZEITlies:                      Hi there, thanks for taking the time to talk to us.
IDF Spokesman:         It’s fine. Now talk.
ZEITlies                      Would you regard the current IDF offensive as a proportionate response to Hamas attacks?
IDF Spokesman:        Of course! What a stupid question. You don’t think I know what proportionate is?
ZEITlies:                     Well, what would you do if someone stole a hat from you?
IDF Spokesman:        A hat? MY HAT? I would take everything they owned! Everything! Their possessions, their family, their dogs, everything!
ZEITlies:                      Ok… maybe you like hats. What would you do if your partner slept with someone else?
IDF Spokesman:        She slept with someone else? I don’t believe it! I would sleep with every woman in Israel, every man as well if I had to! I would sleep with so many people there would be no one left for her to sleep with!
ZEITlies:                      Right, I wouldn’t say that was entirely equivalent… what would you do if someone punched you?
IDF Spokesman:        They punched me? Oh my god, no! I would take their hand, and then I would punch them in the head with it so many times, there would be a fist shaped hole in their head! Then I would take the head and I would…
ZEITlies:                     Ok, ok! I get it. So if you knew a Palestinian fired a rocket into Israel…
IDF Spokesman:        If they did that I would bomb every man, woman, cow, dog, cat and bird in that bloody place! It would be a desert when I was done! It would be a hole in the desert! There would every single grain of dirt on that strip will have been bombed at least five times!
ZEITlies:                     I see… proportionate.
IDF Spokesman:       Exactly! Now somebody fetch me something to beat this guy with!

IDF respond to a toddler with a pea-shooter.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014


After watching her side win the football world cup in heart-stoppingly dramatic fashion, Merkel could barely contain herself as the victorious players made their way to collect the trophy. As the triumphant German side filed their way towards the winners' enclosure, Merkel was on hand to provide a final show of support, giggling like a school girl and squealing with pre-pubescent glee as one-by-one she embraced the lovely handsome boys as they walked past. Onlookers were stunned at Merkel’s complete inability to hide her little girly tendencies, leading many to ask the question: is she in fact a little school girl?

“When I heard all that screaming and squealing, I was shocked to see it was Merkel,” said FIFA Official, Ivor Bribeiro, “We had lots of children from local schools near the winners’ section, I thought the noise was from them!”

Members of the German delegation privately echoed these concerns, with one unnamed (ethnically Chinese) German delegate claiming that Merkel was seen "writing Bastian Schweinsteiger on her notebook over and over and over again, with love hearts as well."

Calls are now coming from all quarters of the Bundestag for Merkel to prove conclusively, that she is in fact a grown woman and not a little school girl who has become an adult by means similar to those employed in the 1988 film 'Big' starring Tom Hanks.

Merkel's aides issued a stern denial, stating that the German Chancellor is far too busy writing love letters to Mario Gotze to be distracted with such trivial inquisitions. 

The German Chancellor was the happiest little girl in the whole wide world.

Thursday, 10 July 2014


Following Brazil’s six goal trouncing at the hands of the marauding Germans, Brazilian football fans’ worst fears were confirmed late on Tuesday night as the four horsemen of the apocalypse were spotted cantering through the streets of Bela Horizonte. As many had predicted - whilst watching their heroes take more of a beating than prisoners at Guantanamo – it really was the end of the world.

“Our defence was penetrated three times in six minutes,” said shocked Brazilian pundit, Paolo Nascimento de Rubiano, or ‘Frank’, as he is known, “It was like watching a porno movie. To be turned into porn is the worst humiliation. It’s all over now.”

With news of the end of the world spreading like wild fire across grieving households all over Brazil, rioting broke out in a number of towns including Bela Horizonte, where crude effigies of David Luis where ceremoniously burnt, with hoards of beautiful people surrounding the fires and dancing and having sex to irresistible samba music.

“It’s totally the end of the world. When the beauty of Brazil has faded so much that it makes the Germans appear aesthetic, you know the end is nigh,” a Brazilian journalist commented, “But in Brazil, the end of the world is music and dancing and passion! It’s carnival! So it’s not all bad.”

Three horse-persons and a bloke in a horse head

Tuesday, 24 June 2014


Thousands of dyslexic music fans were left bitterly disappointed after an online mix-up led them to purchase tickets for the wrong festival. Instead of buying tickets to the three day Somerset-based music festival ‘Glastonbury’, thousands of fans accidentally purchased tickets to the festival celebrating the mid-1980s Soviet policy of Glasnost hosted in Stockton, ‘Glasnostbury’.

“We were pleasantly surprised that so many young people today were interested in Gorbachev’s policy of openness and transparency”, said Glasnostbury spokesman Vladimir Burokratsky, lighting a cigar with a cluster of recently declassified documents, “Naturally, we were disappointed when we discovered they were actually trying to buy Glastonbury tickets. I don’t blame them though, Dolly Parton is marvellous.”

Disgruntled dyslexic music fans expressed their anguish on Twitter, with @Mucislover tweeting “Why was a mixup allowed to happne?”, and @Fesitvlagoer adding “I wnat my money bakc!”

One punter however, may have had tickets to both festivals from the off; as it was discovered that  former Soviet heavyweight supremo Mihkail Gorbachev was not only booked to speak at Glasnostbury, but was also reportedly heard discussing “getting off his face to Skrillex.” 

Mikhail loves it when the bass drops.

Tuesday, 17 June 2014

ZEITlies Book Reviews:

If you have been watching sport at all in the past week, you may enjoy some of these new publications…

“The Spirit of Football” by Lee Dixon – The former Arsenal defender extols the virtues of “never divin’ or cheating” and always doing your best to be an “honest fella on the football field”. The book is also intended to serve as an instructional manual for children and a hate-filled polemic against Patrick Viera, with chapters on "Playing fair" and "Fair play".

“The Spirit of Football is Dead” by Patrick Viera – The former Arsenal midfielder extols the virtues of the modern game, rationalising that diving, cheating, bribing and all out skulduggery are quite simply “part of the game”. Viera’s book is intended to serve as an instructional manual for children, with chapters on “How to be dirty” and “How to be jammy”.

“The Gentleman’s Cricket Handbook” by Rangana Herath – The Sri Lankan spin bowler proved himself to be a true gentleman by giving his wicket away to hosts England when the recent test match hung in the balance. In his new book Herath reveals more gentlemanly tips and tricks that are also not complete misunderstandings of the Laws of the Game.

Herath graciously sends the batsman back after clean bowling him.

Wednesday, 4 June 2014


Whitehall has been alive with the sound of inter-departmental bickering as Teresa May and Michael Gove exchanged angry letters debating who should be responsible for the failure to deal with a suspected Islamist plot in Birmingham’s schools. As the dust settled on another round of Westminster cat-fighting, the prevailing opinion was that the Home Secretary comprehensively owned the Education Minister… and she knew it.

“She’s swanning about the place like she’s the hot shit,” said an unnamed Tory insider, “She keeps picking on Gove too, trying to trip him up, smirking whenever he talks and stealing Kit-Kats from his locker. It’s basically bullying now.”

The Education Minister is said to have spent more and more time locked away in a darkened room, laughing maniacally into the black. The Prime Minister has refused to comment on the situation, though a Downing Street spokesman said “he just wanted to give Michael a bit of time.”

Owns him... and she knows it.

Wednesday, 28 May 2014


The nation is still reverberating from the tremors of the UKIP political earthquake which saw the first non-LabCon party in 90 years win an election in the UK, brushing-off all contenders in a stunning rout.  The result left many shocked British voters pondering one crushing realisation: there really are more twats about than we thought.

As the waters of the UKIP tsunami recede, leaving a detritus of Tetley bitter cans, Bernard Manning DVDs and England football shirts, political pollsters are now seeking to ascertain exactly how many twats are actually out there.

“We knew there were a lot of twats, what with The Voice being so popular and all, but the UKIP election win was simply another level,” mused famed internet pollster, Bate Sliver, “There really are so many more twats out there than even the most cynical of us thought.”

Ruining a car parking space near you.
It is widely believed that the distribution of twats is generally uneven throughout the UK, with some areas showing very few, but in parts of Essex twat numbers are said to be so high that twats outnumber non-twats in many towns. Some analysts believe Essex could become the first twat-majority county by 2015.

Related News: The Ultra Knowledgeable Institute of Paedophiles has seen a huge surge in its membership following the European elections last weekend, with many easily-confused voters joining under the mistaken apprehension that it was the United Kingdom Independence Party.

“We have had many people join us thinking we were UKIP, most of them left when they realised we weren’t, “commented the Institute’s membership secretary, Dirty Phil, “I guess it’s an easy mistake to make.”

Farage has refused to comment on the latest bizarre fiasco, but critics have been quick to suggest that this is further evidence that most UKIP voters have no idea what they are signing-up to.

Thursday, 22 May 2014


In another misguided attempt at making a populist statement to resonate with the masses, Prince Charles has evoked the spectre of fascism yet again by comparing the military-coup in Thailand to Nazi Germany. Following his comparison of Putin’s Russia with Nazi Germany earlier in the week, which caused widespread forehead-slapping across the world, Charlie suffered another bout of ill-deserved confidence and voiced his opinions on the military-coup in Thailand.

“We think it’s just a phase he’s going through,” said Times hack, Felicity Crackersnatch, “His staff say he’s comparing everything to Nazi Germany at the moment, everything. Sainsbury’s, flocks of skylarks, Tracker bars, lorries, you name it, Charlie thinks it’s like Nazi Germany.”

The military government in Thailand are said to be mortified and bewildered with the Prince of Wales’ comparison. A military spokesman - recently returned to base following a day’s solid coup-ing - expressed his frustration:

“We are nothing like Nazi Germany, I don’t know what he’s talking about,” said Private Pakatak, “He’s the one who’s like Nazi Germany… look at him.”

The Coalition government have remained silent on the Prince of Wales’ trans-continental diplomatic stink bombs, busy instead with losing the European MP elections to UKIP; though one government official did comment privately on the latest gaffe.

“What did he say? Is he voting UKIP as well?” said unnamed government insider, David Cameron, “He fucking told me he wouldn’t do that.” 

Prince Charles hears something he believes could be Nazi Germany.

Sunday, 18 May 2014


As the country bathes in glorious sunshine for the second day in a row, millions of Brits are suddenly wishing they lived somewhere else. As the nation’s parks and gardens filled with throngs of sun-deprived people, it wasn’t long before many were dreaming of what life would be like living somewhere hot.

“Oh I just wish it was like this every day,” said secretary from Essex, Amy Ames, wearing a pair of Gucci sunglasses and an elastic band, “It’s just like being in Magaluf. Except this morning I didn’t wake up covered in vomit and a few mobile phone salesmen from Dagenham, you know what I mean!”

The roads were particularly perilous, with frequent reports of drivers veering off the road after starring endlessly at the blue sky, dreamily fantasizing of life in a hot country. In Barking, a bus driver is to be disciplined after admitting dreaming about the south of France whilst driving the number 25 bus into the store window of the local Boots. Passengers also reported that the driver was listening to “summery music, like reggae and that…”

Kevin heard property in Greece was really cheap...

Thursday, 15 May 2014


Rio Olympic Committee look to IKEA for answers– The beleaguered Olympic Committee have sought the help of Swedish flat pack shoe rack champions IKEA, in attempt to find a quick fix to bring the frighteningly-behind building plans back from the brink. With only ten percent of the scheduled building works completed, Rio officials hope IKEA’s flat pack magic can conjure a answer to their prayers, with enquiries made about purchasing a flat pack stadium, velodrome, aquatic centre and athlete's village.

Manchester United consider Nigel Farage for the manager’s position – With shareholders at the club expecting fan numbers to drop by up to 98 percent if current form continues, the board is apparently considering “every populist strategy that you could ever conceive” in a desperate attempt to win back morsels of public affection. One United insider commented, “It’s just about getting bums on seats. Nigel does that these days… even if he is a bit of a twat.”

Kevin Pietersen prays for Sri Lankan win at temple in New Delhi – After failing to score runs on the pitch for much of this year’s IPL, Pietersen is at least making some use of his time in India, after he reportedly said a prayer for Sri Lanka at a temple on the outskirts of New Delhi. So eager was Pietersen to pray for a Sri Lanka win in the upcoming one-day and test series with his former side England, he is reported to have asked a taxi driver to take him to the nearest available temple. “He said he didn’t care about the religion, it just had to be old, and holy,” said Taxi driver, Sanju Gulmachi, “I couldn’t find a temple or a mosque so I took him to a nice restaurant and he prayed in front of the Ganesh statue in the foyer. Then he had a butter chicken with two pieces of naan.”

Barry loves Sumo because of the way it makes him feel.
Secret government report slams the chances of English Sumo -wrestlers at the upcoming Sumo World Cup – Following the leaked government document which scoffed at England’s chances in the upcoming football World Cup, another stolen memorandum has comprehensively slammed the chances of English Sumo-wrestlers at the upcoming Sumo World Cup in Frankfurt. But the English Sumo community has been oddly quiet in response to the government’s grim assessment of their chances. One unnamed insider did comment: “It’s because we are shit, everyone already knows this. We’re English Sumo wrestlers for f**ks sake.”  

Thursday, 8 May 2014


Disgraced British TV Star Stuart Hall forced to issue statement denying knowledge of the whereabouts of the missing Nigerian schoolgirls – Following the sordid revelations of his predatory sexual dick-banditry with underage girls in BBC dressing rooms, Hall’s team were compelled to issue a statement categorically denying knowing where the missing schoolgirls might be. After a visit to the Hall residence late last night, Police are said to be satisfied that his garage is “no way near big enough to hold 200 schoolgirls, not even thin ones”.

Canadian cannabis vending machines create unforeseen situations – Many machines have had the walls in their peripheral area gnawed at as vendo-mashed stoners desperately seek to sate their munchies on any available solid. In addition to this, in every instance of an attempted theft from a machine the would-be thief has been immediately apprehended, with the miscreant typically found metres away from the machine sitting on the floor stoned.

Not fans of Eurovision. 
Al-Shabaab’s promise to disrupt Eurovision welcomed by all - Militant Somalian Islamist group, Al-Shabaab have promised to disrupt the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest in a move that has won supporters from all quarters. The exact plans of the Al-Shabaab operation are a closely guarded secret, but the group has not yet ruled out performing a song of their own – written with Will-i-Am – which purportedly exposits the fundamentals of their radical Islamist dogma, but has an absolutely wicked beat and really cool synth.

Fear of match-fixing creates unbridled paranoia at Pepsi IPL – Fans are reportedly so suspicious that every single event in each of the cricket matches at this year’s IPL could in fact be fixed, many are suffering aneurysms and haemorrhages owing to breakouts of unbridled paranoia. Every time a wicket falls, a catch is dropped or a no ball is bowled, the number of stricken patients streaming into India’s hospitals suffering with paranoia-related injuries increases. Dubai-based bookmaking firm, I T Akallofdat PVT Limited, have reportedly starting taking bets on which hospital will admit the most patients in any particular hour.

Spectacular fix.

Wednesday, 30 April 2014


As each day passes and another hoard of racist UKIP members is grimly uncovered, an increasingly confused – and possibly not that racist - Nigel Farage has been forced to deny rumours that if it were to be in office, a UKIP government would be forced to legalise racism.

“As more and more members are proving themselves to be filthy racists,” said Anti-Racism campaigner, Omar Godyeh, “In order to keep the majority its cabinet out of jail, a UKIP government would have to legalise racism.”

But Farage has hit back, forcefully denying the allegation that his party is filled with race-baiting hate-mongers and xenophobic genitally deficient little-Englanders, claiming that the number of racist UKIP members and electoral candidates has been blown wildly out of proportion.

“Look, I’m sick of having to say this, but just because 98% of our members are racist, it doesn’t mean that we’re all racist,” said Farage, flicking through the final copy of recently-closed lad-mag Nuts, “We’re a genuine alternative to the Westminster bigwigs…. look at the jugs on that darkie!”

UKIP members show little imagination at a fancy dress party.

Wednesday, 16 April 2014


With one in five English parents now unable to secure their first-choice primary school for their child, many are readying their little-ones for a fight to the death to secure the best school spots. Keen to avoid a bloodbath, the Department for Education has announced that the fairest way to deal with the ever-shrinking number of primary school places is for each one to be decided by a TV talent contest, with members of the public phoning-in to vote for the child they believe deserves the place the most.

“We will have a panel of judges that pick five kids to go to a public vote at the end of each episode,” said TV producer, Noel Limittocrass, “The kid that wins the public vote gets a primary school place! We already have ten education boards signed up!”

Simon Cowell will inevitably head the panel of judges, though he was unavailable to confirm his participation owing to his attendance at the twelfth-annual International Man of Sex Awards, hosted in the master-bedroom of his London house.

The internet is already rife with speculation as to who the remaining judges will be and what sort of material will be most well received.

“I heard it’s gonna be one of them Strictly judges,” said a concerned parent, Andy Wosgon, “I’ll probably just get the boy doing a bit of fox-trot, increase his chances.”

The government has predictably denied suggestions that investing more money into education would go some way to alleviating the problem, stating that the idea that newly built primary schools would somehow increase the number of school places was “complete pie-in-the-sky tosh”.

Some kids will find it easier than others.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014


Despite having the popularity of a Mormon at a rave, Michael Gove has made an astonishing political turnaround by proposing a policy that has quickly won support from all sides of the house. After his plans to root-out an ‘Islamic plot’ in Britain’s schools attracted the usual face-in-hand reactions coupled with the inevitable questions surrounding his mental health, Gove hit back with a policy that has everyone behind him: a ban on leopard print in the workplace.

“Research has shown that productivity rates fall by up to forty percent when an employee is seen to be wearing leopard print,” Gove’s aide, Neil Downanhush, said to reporters, “Nearby workers become pre-occupied with talking about Scary Spice from the Spice Girls or with retching into available receptacles. In a global economy where productivity matters, Britain simply can’t afford these distractions”

The cabinet has denied reports that the plans are a thinly disguised attempt at violating the rights of overweight people, refuting claims that a secret report – titled ‘Fatties Love Leopard’ - discovered a unfortunately positive correlation between body-mass index scores and ‘the propensity to wear leopard print’. 

No, no and no. Unfortunately for the lads in reprographics, they're all banned.

Wednesday, 9 April 2014


As a series of paintings, conjured up by the former Most Hated Man in The World and five-time World Douche of the Year, George Bush, is released to a chorus of exasperated groans, art critics are unanimous in their view that the works reveal Bush’s true personality. However, instead of tapping into a childlike state that lies deep and dormant in the recesses of his personality, Bush’s work is able to exploit the childlike state that is conveniently on the surface.

“Oh he has used his work to really show us who he is, like going through a process of spiritual regression to reach one’s fundamentalities, and I for one, love it,” said broadsheet art-critic, Foolah Krapp, whilst he/she drank/ate a cocktail/beer served in a man/woman’s hat, “With George he doesn’t need to regress, his fundamentalities are on the surface! He’s a child! It’s just amoriphicly fantabulicious, indubitably.”

Bush’s works have already attracted several high-profile customers, with aging megalomaniac Rupert Murdoch rumoured to have offered ten million US dollars for Bush’s self-portrait. Sources close to Murdoch claim that the Australian media tycoon plans to hang the portrait in the same room that he houses his life-size waxwork of Margaret Thatcher, on the opposite wall to a series of sketches of a nude Rebekah Brooks. Other rumoured customers are former prime-minister and career bullshit-merchant, Tony Blair, and current Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger.    

From the collection: 'Selfies'


A four-foot Bolivian donkey named Alvarez who was stuffed with up to ten kilos of cocaine, has been repeatedly used as a ‘drug mule’ by local cocaine smugglers. A cocaine-packed Alvarez made over twenty cross-border journeys - by land, sea and air - spanning some five years, before eventually attracting the suspicion of customs officers in his native Bolivia.

“We just never thought a ‘drug mule’ would actually be a mule full of drugs,” said Bolivian customs official, Gimme da Briberio, “It’s a brilliant plan really. Normally we look for fat British tourists, so the last thing we would suspect is a cocaine-stuffed donkey. Just shows how sophisticated these smugglers are.”

Alvarez is currently in custody in Sucre, housed in the capital’s infamous El Villa del Rapos Analios Prison, alongside some of the nation’s most violent criminals. However, it is rumoured that Alverez has utilised underworld connections to secure preferential treatment inside the slammer.

A hardened drug mule, Alvarez the donkey was finally caught when a customs officer in Bolivia noticed that instead of being a valid passport-holder attempting to exit the country lawfully, Alvarez was in fact a donkey full of coke.

Drug mule

Sunday, 6 April 2014


With the UK’s population of badgers spreading TB quicker than a hoard of travelling Victorian peasants, the nation’s farmers are looking for new ways to curb the rising numbers of striped miscreant. Princess Anne suggested earlier in the week that the animals should be gassed, but later reports cast doubt on whether she was talking about badgers or was in fact ranting about a particular brand of non-Christian. But with gassing as a means of culling being about as scientifically grounded as the Atkins diet is for slimming, the Home Office has sought to employ a more 21st century approach – and drone-strikes appear to be the answer.

“We’ve seen quite how effectively drones rooted out those pesky Taliban from their caves in Afghanistan,” said Home Secretary Theresa May, after posing for the latest Tory-babes calendar, “We intend to use the same approach to blow badgers from their sets, it’s very efficient. Also, I used one the other day to drop a bomb on Yvette Cooper and she totally shat her pants.”

Unsurprisingly, several members of the Tory cabinet hold strong opinions regarding the badger cull, with some hard-line back-benchers suggesting that badgers should be rounded up en-masse and sent into inner-city council estates, where they could provide clothing (in the form of Davey Crockett style-hats) and a nutritious source of meat for the nation’s poorest. Education Secretary Michael Gove feels that the re-location policy doesn’t go far enough; stating that following a re-location of the badgers to council estates, the areas should be coated in a reassuringly-thick layer of napalm, just to ensure that badger numbers are indeed reduced.

Trial-runs using drones have begun in earnest in parts of Yorkshire, with groups of school children using Playstation controllers to direct the drones to clusters of disease-ridden badgers. However, there has already been one unforeseen casualty when late last night, former Apprentice runner-up Ruth Badger (dressed as a badger and sniffing a badger’s set) was reported to have been struck down by a drone strike outside Barnsley. 

Don't give me that look, you're nothing but dirty vermin.


After two weeks of piece-meal bits of information, false leads, wild conjectures, ludicrous supposition and the absolute abandonment of journalistic practice in favour of unabated speculation, a beleaguered world desperately pleads with Chinese and Malaysian authorities: “Just find the f**king plane already”. A union of disaffected journalists has vowed to boycott any forthcoming press-conferences called by either the Chinese or Malaysian authorities, unless they can guarantee that such a press conference will disclose the actual location of the missing flight MH 370.

“It’s been an absolute eternity, and there is only so much bullshit I can make up,” said a journalist for the Associated Press, “I don’t want to have to speculate about aliens taking the plane or it going through a time-warp… I’m a journalist not a fantasy writer, I can’t take it anymore!”

Latest news from an Australian search vessel that a ‘pulse’ has been picked up in the nether regions of the South Indian Ocean has been met with muted indifference the world over.
“Oh they said the same thing last week, didn’t they? Turned out it was one of the search party’s mobile phone vibrating,” said disgruntled hack, Terjid Boolshitman, “Unless I see a severed arm or leg or head, I’m not gonna bother reporting it.”

It's been there all along.

Thursday, 27 March 2014


Putin calls Merkel a ‘completely vapid dick-tease’ – The increasingly disgruntled Russian premier is said to be frustrated by the German leader’s frequent displays of racy amounts of ankle and daring amounts of neckline, according to one Kremlin insider. Despite these flashes of Victorian seductiveness, Merkel has persistently refused Putin’s shirtless advances: “Whenever I speak to her, nothing. She has nothing to say,” the bemused President commented, declaring that he has 'almost given-up' trying to seduce her.

Egypt determined to abandon democracy and return to authoritarianism as quickly as possible – As hundreds of liberal activists, opposing politicians and anyone else that looks shifty, are rounded up and thrown into lion-filled dungeons, Egypt looks hell-bent on setting a personal-best in the most-rapid-return-authoritarianism-following-a-revolution stakes. Large clocks have been erected in the once revolutionary Tahrir Square, now displaying a countdown of an estimated return to authoritarianism.   

Sylvio Berlusconi discovered in bed without a naked teenager – The former Italian Prime Minister was immediately rushed to hospital, where he was injected with emergency shots of testosterone, Viagra and Grappa, before being given several medically-approved lap-dances. Despite initial signs of weakness and a reluctance to leer or grope, the Forza Italia leader eventually recovered fully, and by the time he left the hospital he had already gotten a sore hand from slapping women’s bottoms.

Students in North Korea required to wear Kim Jong-Un’s face – Following revelations that the North Korean leader believes his law requiring male students to have his haircut “is nowhere near enough! They all look like kids from Shoreditch!” North Korean students will now be required to wear a replica face mask depicting the leader’s face, to remove all doubt as to whom they are enslaved. Students with slender faces will be force fed until the mask fits properly and students that are too fat for the mask will be shot.

Barack Obama claims he is ‘so over being President’ – The once vaunted figure of hope and freedom is now said to spend many afternoons sitting in the Oval Office shopping online and clock-watching until five-thirty. “He doesn’t even answer his Blackberry anymore, he can’t be bothered,” said one presidential aide. Obama’s complete boredom with being President is said to be one of the main reasons the geo-political showdown in the Crimea fizzled out to a petty playground scuffle of matching sanctions against inconsequential people. “We wanted to press for firmer action,” said a state official, “but he kept yawning and saying he just wanted to be out on time.” 

Obama dreams of life after the presidency.