Thursday, 2 August 2012


Following the allegations made by World Swimming Coaches Association Director, John Leonard, suggesting that Chinese swimmer Ye Shiwen’s gold medal-winning performance may have been the result of doping; Olympic organisers at London 2012 were quick to come to her defence – saying that she has been regularly tested at the Games, each time passing as clean.

Leonard, who has worked for the US Swimming Team at six Olympic games, refused to acknowledge that his accusation was simply ‘sour-grapes’; owing to China’s success at London 2012 and the apparent re-positioning of the world sporting-order.

“Look, if she ain’t on drugs, there is only one explanation,” said a furious Leonard, scowling at every Chinese person that walked past, “She’s got to be an alien.”

Leonard went on to describe how it is impossible that the Chinese academies could produce such results – highlighting that “No human alive should be able to swim the last 50m faster than Ryan Lochtie – let alone some Chinese chick.”

Leonard then explained that his position on extra-terrestrials competing in the Olympics was clear:

“This is a human Olympics, if she or he or it wants to swim, well they can go back to their own planet.” 

Leonard was questioned further as to whether his latest accusation was the result of some bitterness at the success of the Chinese – some of which has been experienced at the expense of the Americans:

“Why I oughta…..” said a fuming Leonard, as he was restrained by colleagues, “There is no way a damn Chinaman can beat an American. She’s a damn Alien, they all are!”

                    Swimming Coach John Leonard learns of another Chinese medal victory.


London 2012 organisers spoke of inspiring a generation and leaving a legacy; a sentiment that many cynics had sought to criticise. However, few were left doubting the evidence of such sentiment today as children across the London 2012 hosting borough, Tower Hamlets, celebrated the Team GB equestrian silver-medal win. Many have said that the sport is the sole reserve of the privileged and perennially entitled; but the joy shown by teenagers in one of London’s poorest boroughs proved that equestrianism can be just as popular as football.  

“We just love equestrianism innit,” said one delighted youngster, calmly cleaning his handgun, “Dressage is just sick bruv. When Fox-Pitt got a clean round in, man was like braaaaaaap!!”

The Team GB silver medallists were delighted at the reception they received from the hosting borough.

“At the end of the day, we’re just regular people, like the chaps of this borough,” said Eton-educated William Fox-Pitt.

“We hope that our efforts will inspire a generation of children from Tower Hamlets to take up eventing!” exclaimed the beaming - but arguably clueless - Royal Family member Zara Philips, “I know there is a recession on, but come on kids, Daddy can buy you a horse!”

When questioned on the possibility that most people in Tower Hamlets - or anywhere else in the UK - would struggle to afford to take part in a sport like equestrianism, Philips’ response was unequivocal:

“So they should just save up!” she said, blasting a fox to pieces with a shotgun,“God, you have to make sacrifices for this…”

                      Fox-Pitt (centre): Olympic silver-medallist and probable polygamist.

Wednesday, 1 August 2012


Following his celebrated direction of the London 2012 Opening-Ceremony on Friday, Oscar-winning film director Danny Boyle received plaudits the world over. Top of the list of those congratulating Boyle, was none other than world-renowned Palestinian street magician and son of God, Jesus Christ.

Christ, who is planning his second-coming sometime before the US-presidential elections next year, is said to have been impressed by Boyle’s ability to appeal to a broad demographic with his artistic direction, and also by his unrivalled knack to choreograph large-scale historical inaccuracies set to music.

“It was great the way he selectively read history, and then set it to music,” said Christ, speaking to Zeitlies’ Heaven correspondent, “All that fire and brimstone had a real Old Testament feel to it - my Dad would have loved it.”

Christ is understood to have texted the Pope shortly after the conclusion of the Opening Ceremony; asking him to extend both his congratulations to Boyle and also an invitation to direct his second coming. Christ is also said to have contacted Republican US-presidential candidate Mitt Romney to inform him that (contrary to Mormon thinking) the second coming was not going to happen in the US – pretty much the same way that the first coming didn’t happen there either.

“Jesus is keen to set a few things straight with his second coming,” a Vatican spokesman said, “He intends to silence Mormons the world over by not visiting America.”

The spokesman went on to explain how Jesus was looking to ‘internationalise’ his visit as much as possible – with it being a world event, rather than one hosted by a particular country. Accordingly, Boyle has been instructed to leave-out references to Michael Fish, the NHS, Marmite, Dogging or any other expressly UK-centric themes, in any event that he directs.
It's party time.



India suffered its largest sustained power-cut in over a decade this week, leaving half of the country without power. The country’s creaking infrastructure has often struggled to cope with an unequal demand and distribution for power across different areas of the country, with some states over-subscribing from the national grid and others using much less. These problems are compounded by rampant corruption from state officials and the construction of large numbers of ‘unauthorised’ residential areas that illegally syphon power from the grid. However, as these issues are present every-day in modern India, energy analysts and ministers refused to blame either corruption or mismanagement as the real reason for this present blackout.

“It’s very easy to blame corruption or incompetence when these things happen in India,” said Laloo Dacoity, Energy Minister for Haryana, “but the real reason for this can actually be found online.”

Dacoity and several other state Energy Ministers are instead blaming the blackout on a sudden, unprecedented surge in power demands that took place simultaneously across the country. The reason for this was the rumoured online-release of a celebrity sex-tape – this time featuring none other than Indian cricket demi-god, Sachin Tendulkar.

“Suddenly people who never needed to use electricity were desperately plugging in their phones and laptops,” said Dacoity, “Understandably, in the hope of seeing’s Sachin’s bare arse.”

However, millions across the country were left cruelly disappointed; as it transpired that the Tendulkar sex-tape was in fact a hoax, filmed and released by Pakistani secret service agency, ISI.

“We wanted to see how easy it would be to bring India to its knees,” said ISI chief, Hamid Bul, “Our army haven’t been paid in years, our nukes are made of wood - so we needed to explore all options that could be used against India. This was a great success.”

In order to prevent against this kind of attack again, the Federal Government in India has formed a taskforce to test the providence of any sex-tapes released online; in the hope of detecting a potential hoax-attack from Pakistan. Presently, the members of the taskforce are yet to be selected - though every male Member of Parliament has nominated himself to be included.