Thursday, 24 July 2014


Lovers of bullshit the world over are waiting on tenterhooks pending the outcome of the investigation into the shocking attack on flight MH17 (in an incident described by one Malaysian Airlines shareholder as a “fucking piss-take”), with many inside the Kremlin believing the bullshit Putin will be forced to spout in defence could be the finest bullshit he will ever speak.

Despite constant denials of Russian involvement by the Kremlin, there are now more fingers pointing towards Moscow than in a Soviet-era pointing farm (where hundreds of peasant children would be forced to stand for hours and point at the Soviet capital in reverence to whichever illustrious leader was in office at the time).

Reports from Moscow have stated that Putin is well aware of the gravity of the task he faces - with the plane’s flight recorders about to be analysed in the Netherlands - so has begun work on his bullshit response earlier than normal.

“I’ve heard it will be his best work yet,” remarked former Kremlin insider and bullshit analyst, Leonid Alovadiflov, “Allegedly he is pain-stakingly fabricating a fiction of the utmost complexity, with dynamic characters, profound themes and startling drama! I’ve heard there was an extra-terrestrial plot-twist in the story line, but my source cannot be verified - mostly because he was shot.”

Other analysts familiar with the workings of the Kremlin have added further fallacious fuel to the speculatory fire: “The C.I.A. intercepted some communications recently which suggest Putin has been reading a lot of Tolkien, so we expect his bullshit story to even include its own language,” commented Harvard analyst, Buster Capinnem, “The US is already thinking of a new language of its own in retaliation, though at this stage it’s not clear what they will do with it". 

Maybe I'll say... ghosts did it...

ZEITlies – Voxpop

As bombs rain on Gaza and the Israeli Defence Force increases its efforts to redress sporadic Hamas rocket attacks, ZEITlies catches up with an IDF spokesman for a brief chat on proportionality…

(ed -  To IDF Lawyers… this is in fact a joke…)

ZEITlies:                      Hi there, thanks for taking the time to talk to us.
IDF Spokesman:         It’s fine. Now talk.
ZEITlies                      Would you regard the current IDF offensive as a proportionate response to Hamas attacks?
IDF Spokesman:        Of course! What a stupid question. You don’t think I know what proportionate is?
ZEITlies:                     Well, what would you do if someone stole a hat from you?
IDF Spokesman:        A hat? MY HAT? I would take everything they owned! Everything! Their possessions, their family, their dogs, everything!
ZEITlies:                      Ok… maybe you like hats. What would you do if your partner slept with someone else?
IDF Spokesman:        She slept with someone else? I don’t believe it! I would sleep with every woman in Israel, every man as well if I had to! I would sleep with so many people there would be no one left for her to sleep with!
ZEITlies:                      Right, I wouldn’t say that was entirely equivalent… what would you do if someone punched you?
IDF Spokesman:        They punched me? Oh my god, no! I would take their hand, and then I would punch them in the head with it so many times, there would be a fist shaped hole in their head! Then I would take the head and I would…
ZEITlies:                     Ok, ok! I get it. So if you knew a Palestinian fired a rocket into Israel…
IDF Spokesman:        If they did that I would bomb every man, woman, cow, dog, cat and bird in that bloody place! It would be a desert when I was done! It would be a hole in the desert! There would every single grain of dirt on that strip will have been bombed at least five times!
ZEITlies:                     I see… proportionate.
IDF Spokesman:       Exactly! Now somebody fetch me something to beat this guy with!

IDF respond to a toddler with a pea-shooter.