Thursday, 16 January 2014


Children as young as five are to be required to complete the full six-week Insanity workout instead of taking P.E. lessons at school. An Education spokesman said the move was to tackle the rise in early onset obesity, which has already caused over two hundred thousand classroom chairs to become obsolete. Once settled into year 2 at school, children will be issued with their Insanity workout DVDs and wallcharts, and will attend a video briefing from Shawn T himself.

“We are going to achieve insane results, insaaaanely early!” said T, applying a thin coating of baby oil to his frighteningly sculpted torso, “I wanna see tight abs, I wanna see strong thighs, I wanna to see powerful arms and I wanna see bulging pectorals! All before the kids enter year 3, when they can then concentrate on reading and shit.”

Inevitably, the government’s extreme measure has been met with fury from parents and schools across the country. A group of disaffected parents and teachers protested against the changes by ‘not exercising’ in front of the Ministry of Education, ‘celebrating’ their insalubriousness by lying about smoking fags and drinking. The rabble was quickly dispersed however, following the tactical deployment of a burger van by the Police, which soon prompted many of the group to abandon their protests and seek a cheeseburger.

Some commentators however, have taken a very different view of the government’s proposed initiatives. Conspiracy theorist and far-right blogger Wal Parannoyd, says the Coalition is in fact trying to create a master race of warrior children - who will grow up to become the Spartans of the modern era - in order to combat Britain’s rapidly shrinking military capabilities.

“Just the other day Robert Gates said that Britain’s military may soon fall short of many others around it,” said Parannoyed, “If you can’t spend money on high-tech equipment, you are left with no other option. You have to create a master race.”  

The average fat kid in 2025.
CITY NEWS: Shares in the company Maximuscle rose eight percent in one day, following a further announcement that said millk/juice provisions in schools will be replaced by creatine enriched protein shakes and thermabol capsules. 

Following a ridiculous, racist and xenophobic invective from Northern League politician, Gianluca Buonanno - where the Italian MP ‘blacked-up’ to deliver a stinging denunciation of immigrants - a sudden glut of bullshit has caused prices of local agricultural fertiliser to fall.

“Stupid Buonanno is creating so much bullshit, it’s pushing my fertiliser price through the floor!” said Fertiliser salesman, Luigi Vendocrapizzi, “Farmers know that bullshit is the best fertiliser known to man, and Buonanno is giving away a lot for free right now.”

Fertiliser prices have remained steady in recent times in Italy, following years of yo-yo pricing under the irrepressible Sylvio Berlusconi’s government. His frequent brushes with the law and public pronouncements of innocence, created some of the most potent bullshit in Europe. Though these periodic excesses of bullshit depressed the price of fertiliser, Italy’s agriculture flourished.

For many years the Greek economy was run on the equally effective ‘piss-taking’ fertiliser, which is high in ammonia. With the state ‘taking the piss’ so much with regards to its fiscal and social policy, ammonia rich fertiliser was abound in the Mediterranean country, and the nation’s crops flourished. Sadly, the majority of the population continued to take the piss, and consumed all of the crops themselves.

The contents of Gianluca Buonanno's speech on immigration.


Mayor of London Boris Johnson has had to turn to his erstwhile Labour rival in Transport for London’s latest attempt to rid the capital’s tube stations of nefarious undesirables. The former Labour Mayor’s voice is to be played at all tube stations in ‘high risk’ areas, with the hope that Ken’s intolerably smug drawl will be too much for London’s drug dealers to take.

“No one can clear a room like Ken can,” said Mayor of London Boris Johnson, clad in a zebra-print onesie, “He can clear a room quicker than Dave Cameron did at that UKIP party I was at last week. No wait a minute, don’t tell anyone that…”

Transport for London hope that the latest initiative will improve hitherto flagging efforts.

“In the past we played classical music because we knew they hated that,” said TFL Spokesman Johnny Comelately, “But more dealers are getting into classical music, especially Brahms, so we needed a new ploy.”

Stations in Tower Hamlets, Hackney, Lambeth and Haringey are to be issued with CDs of Ken Livingston reading his 2004 book, “London Plan”, and for extreme situations where dealers are more reluctant to move, the Helen Fielding novel, “Bridget Jones’s Diary”.

“So far trials have proved very successful,” said Comelately, “When we piloted the ‘Ken reads London Plan’ CD in Turnpike Lane the station was empty of everyone within thirty seconds. We didn't have many customers that day, but hey, we kept the criminals out.”

Pilot testing of the ‘Ken reads Bridget Jones’s Diary’ CD was said to have been less successful. When tested at Bow Road station in East London, two drug dealers residing in the station immediately took their own lives, prompting another TFL spokesman to say that system still needed ‘fine tuning’.

For the seventh time in a row, Ken Livingstone listens to himself
 read 'Bridget Jones's Diary'.

Monday, 13 January 2014


Twenty-five people were taken seriously wounded following the destruction of twelve houses by tank shells, as Michael Gove - armed with a Challenger tank - went on an ‘accidental’ rampage down the now infamous James Turner Street in Birminhgam. Shortly after the divisive documentary ‘Benefits Street’ was aired on Channel Four, a tank was reported missing from an Army barracks in Birmingham. Twenty-five minutes later, as the street’s residents settled down to their vodka-WD40 nightcaps, all hell broke loose.

The Education Minister was adamant that the attack on the James Turner Street had nothing to do with the documentary, and instead was little more than an accident. He rejected the idea that he had even watched the documentary, “I was simply trying to defend an area I thought was in urgent need!” Gove said, slamming his General Jumbo comic on to the table, “However, some lazy working class people forgot to fix the tank and the bloody thing got away from me. That’s the only reason why the majority of Benefits Street, I mean James Turner Street, was completely obliterated.”

Leaked reports from Gove’s advisors however, paint a very different picture. As the documentary was about to be aired, Gove was said to have gone into his office and shut the door, intending on watching the programme in private. Moments later, a blood-curdling, sperm-killing screech was heard coming from the room.

“I was holding a glass and it smashed everywhere!” said secretary, Hillary Binton, “I loved that glass as well! It had my selfie on it! Stupid Michael Gove, why can’t he shout like everyone else?”

James Turner Street resident, Delicious Bentley, reported that Gove’s tank emerged at the top of the street with the hatch open, and Gove himself was looking out on to the street with his hands on the machine gun, dressed in a Cubs uniform complete with woggle.

“Then he just turned the turret towards the houses and bang! He smashed the place,” said Bentley, who was fortunate enough to have been evicted from her house by the council hours before the attack, “He had a maniac look on his face! I thought he was going to kill us all but it started raining so he went home.”

Channel Four have denied any responsibility for the incident, ignoring continued calls to pull the show that many have dubbed as ‘poverty porn’.

“What can we bloody do about Michael Gove?” said a Channel Four commissioning editor, “Last year he fired an RPG into a council estate because a working glass guy won The Apprentice; and no one is having a go at the BBC are they?”   
Michael Gove describes the sound of a tank to Prime Minister David Cameron.


·         Al Gore misunderstands the film ‘Sharknado’ – The former vice-president has already spent millions of dollars raising awareness of all the poorly-conceived natural disasters that will occur as a result of global warming (including Tara Reid - though she is only partly natural). His decision to embark on another crusade is said to have nothing to do with the fact that his wife wants him out of the house.

·         Francois Hollande attempts to shag his way to popularity – The ever unpopular French president is determined to have as many extra-marital affairs as it will take for the French to finally accept him. Former Italian Prime Minister, Sylvio Berclusconi, is said to have wished him "the best of luck on his noble quest'.

·         FIFA President Sepp Blatter expresses 'mild irritation' at latest Qatar World Cup atrocity – News of more South-Asian workers plunging to their deaths in medieval working conditions is said to have caused the FIFA President to pause momentarily before eating his sandwich. He then left the room with a Qatari delegate before returning ten minutes later, wearing a 24-carat gold hat and a look of contentment.

·         Kim Jong-Un keen to appear on reality television – The portly Pyongyang premier is said to want to show his softer side to the public following the recent executions of his close friends and family. MTV are keen to strike a deal to make a show, based loosely on tried-and-tested formats like 'The Osbornes'. 

·         Nine year old child prodigy in Beijing learns ‘Mein Kampf’ off by heart – His parents regret not being able to read English and buying a book they thought was about Charlie Chaplin. They realised the mistake after listening to the boy recite the entire volume and deducing that it couldn't have been Chaplin as it 'wasn't that funny'.
Not as funny as you might think.