Friday, 31 January 2014


The teenage Canadian pop sensation is facing the wrath of the American public following a string of recent incidents showcasing his unmistakably bad-boy style. Drag races in Lamborghinis (though some witnesses say they were really Lamborghini races in drag), driving under the influence of drugs and assaulting limo drivers: Bieber’s unfettered desire to be the world’s greatest rouge and bounder shows no sign of abating.

Bieber’s self-imposed re-brand of himself, from being a pube-free teenage-girl tempter, to a steroid-fuelled, reverse-baseball-cap-wearing jack*ss, has caused much consternation in the American showbiz community.  Some are saying that it is only a matter of time before the juiced-up Canadian warbler has a showdown with another steroid-induced self-styled bad-boy, Shia Leboeuf. Tentative predictions from bookmakers suggest that in a fight, it is likely that both parties would come out losing. Leboeuf was unavailable for comment, recovering in hospital after a scuffle he had in London, where following the consumption of an entire half-pint of beer, he picked a fight with the front row of the Harlequins rugby team.

Understandably, Justin Bieber’s management team are keen to keep their star away from further trouble, and following news of a petition, comprised of 10,000 signatures, demanding Bieber’s expulsion from the US, his management team feel they have no option other than to take Bieber into hiding until “sh*t calms down.”

“Fortunately for us, everyone is a fan of Justin’s music, and Vladimir Putin is no exception,” a perma-tanned PR representative for Bieber commented, “Apparently he likes to listen to his album when he’s hunting shirtless, or riding horseback shirtless, or even attending the Kremlin shirtless. He was more than happy to accommodate Justin in his hour of need”.

Snowden's alternative to bunking with Bieber

The Canadian pop sensation will be whisked to the secret location in Russia where wikileaks fugitive Edward Snowden is currently hiding. Snowden however, has reportedly not taken the news well. Immediately upon discovering his fate, he requested for a batch of ricin capsules to be sent to his quarters by the KGB, and is now said to be strongly considering extradition to the US, despite the severity of punishment that such a move would bring. 

Monday, 27 January 2014


One Direction have been forced to cancel their upcoming tour of North Korea, following news that Dennis Rodman is to be investigated for breaking sanctions during his visit to Pyongyang. The North Korean Premier, Kim Jong-Un, is said to be heartbroken, having “waited ages” for the tour, and even getting a tattoo of teenage heartthrob, Harry Styles, on his right pectoral. However, the potential for punitive measures being taken against Rodman has put-off other prospective visitors, including pre-pubescent girl-bate super-group, One Direction.

The company managing One Direction’s tours, X-ploitatainment Productions, are equally disappointed, making the decision reluctantly after hours of pained deliberation. A spokesman for the company explained how they had prepared assiduously for the tour, visiting Pyongyang frequently to prepare venues, transporting enriched uranium to carry favours, and even educating the boy-band members in the basics of communist philosophy. The entire band were suitably brain-washed within fifteen minutes, but the process has been a little tough to reverse.

“Oh I totally get it now,” said Styles in a recent press-conference, “We can’t do this because of the international capital system and the dialectical materialistication. And decadence. And… yeah, that is all.” 

But whilst disappointment reigned, the spokesman for X-ploitatainment tried to put a positive spin on the situation.

“We haven’t given up on North Korea yet,” said the spokesman, “We plan to appeal to the UN as we hear Ban-Ki Moon is a massive fan, particularly of Louis and Zayn. We’ll probably throw together a little presentation for him, maybe get the boys to sing ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ whilst playing with their hair straighteners, you know, something awesome.”

Kim Jong-Un hears of One Direction's tour cancellation.


Following the revelation that spending to combat climate change has fallen some 41% under Coalition environment secretary, Owen Paterson, amidst growing suspicions of 'climate skepticism' in the government, a time-travelling man from the future is reported to have laughed his ass-off with disbelief. Time-travelling resident of the year 2614, Sal Webdesignerman, was seen rolling about on the floor in hysterics in the middle of Leicester Square, after he picked up a copy of a newspaper during his two week holiday in 2014.

“Well I always wanted to visit the early 21st century; in the future this is certainly viewed as one of the most hilarious periods in history,” said Sal, crouched in a sitting pose, having evolved to do so through five hundred years of sedentary living, “I mean alcohol is still legal, but weed isn't, straight people who are murderers can get married, but gay people who are nice can’t; and some people still think climate change is bullshit! It’s fucking hilarious man.”

The 27th century tourist went on to ask whether 21st century folk still thought the world was flat; and discovering that only some of them did, vowed to make another holiday to a time or place where everyone did – like 14th century Europe, or 21st century Utah.

A Tory spokesman from DEFRA scoffed at the reaction from Webdesignerman, saying in a press conference, “Ha! What does a man from the future know about what’s going to happen? Bloody Trotskyist clap-trap, requisitionist hullabulloo, heresiarchal gobbledy-gook! Who wants to listen to that?”

The environment secretary was unavailable for comment, busy with his visit to Somerset to speak with flood-ravaged locals. But inadvertently-homoerotic novelist and ardent climate-change-denier, James Delingpole, spoke out defiantly against Webdesignerman's words, "Just because a man from the future, who has seen what will happen in the next five-hundred years, has said that climate change will happen; there is still no real evidence that it's going to happen, in the way that the dandified, Guardian-reading, bourgeois-left are saying."  
Climate-change skeptic James Delingpole insists that
 outdoor-badminton is still on the cards.