GOVERNMENT FEARS MIGRATORY BIRDS ARE FLYING SOUTH TO JOIN ISIS

A leaked government report has revealed many Whitehall mandarins (and tangerines) fear that the country’s migratory birds could be joining ISIS when they fly south for the winter. Secretly commissioned research has uncovered evidence of a flock of pigeons from East London becoming radicalised and possibly flying to ISIS controlled Syria to join the fighting.

“We are working to deal with the threat,” said Home Office mandarin, Frank Lee Odias, “We are certain that birds have become radicalised, we have solid intel on that. I mean, the source was a convicted crack dealer, who was adjudged a pathological liar by the country’s top psychologist, but still, his intel was solid.”

The report also revealed fears that radicalised battle-hardened birds returning from ISIS next summer could cause havoc in the UK, with contingency plans already taking place to install anti-aircraft batteries across the country’s airports. 

Birds returning from ISIS in suicidal attack formation.

GELDOF REMINDS WORLD HE IS STILL ALIVE AND STILL GETTING WAY PISSED ABOUT AFRICA

To celebrate thirty years of his whining on a global stage, former Monday-hating Irish crooner Bob Geldof has decided to record another celebrity record in aid of suffering people in Africa. The outbreak of the Ebola virus was a crisis that was said to have met the “Four Pillars of Geldofian Intervention”: it was located in Africa, didn’t involve any fighting, the considerations of multiple stakeholders could be conveniently ignored and it was something you could make a ‘rockin’ tune about’.

“I’m fucking well pissed off about it man, that’s why I’m doing this” said Geldof, leaning on a medieval walking stick and clasping a globe in his other hand, “I mean, I can’t record a song about Africa all the time, so I have to pick and choose my moments, and of course I could think about the problems in other parts of the world but I really don’t give a shit… but I am fucking well pissed off about this man.”

Geldof’s supporters have hit back at accusations that his latest attempt at righting the injustices of the multitudes by recording a “catchy choon” is little more than the egotistical grandstanding of a bumbling old fool:

“Nah, it isn’t,” said an unnamed supporter.

In a surprising announcement following news of the new Band Aid record, UKIP released a press statement saying they will also be releasing a charity record, to commemorate the suffering of middle-aged xenophobic little-Englanders across the UK. Stars who have agreed to perform include former S-Club 7 member and long-time racist Jo O’Meera, former Big Break presenter and veteran bigot Jim Davidson and anti-immigrant rap-duo “Prejj U Dis”.

Geldof's audition shot for the Apprentice.