GRANDMOTHER'S WORST TECHNOLOGICAL FEARS REALISED AS SHE DELETES THE INTERNET

Seventy-five year old grandmother, Ethel Biggut from Rotherham, realised her worst technological fears last Tuesday, when she accidentally deleted the internet whilst trying to locate a folder of photos on the laptop her son had given her.

“When my lad came and showed it to me, I told him I was worried I’d delete something important, like the internet,” said former primary school teacher and National Front membership secretary, Ethel, “And then the other day when I wanted to look at a photo of my granddaughter, instead of finding the folder on my computer, I ended up deleting the internet.”

A spokesman from Biggut’s internet provider, Slownet, said they investigated the incident and concluded that Ethel had simply deleted her web browser, and that the internet was in fact fine.

Senior citizens frequently mock penis sizes whilst chatting on Skype.

ANDREW MITCHELL CONSIDERS RAISING ARMY TO ARREST THE DECLINE OF FEUDALISM

As Mr Justice Mitting ruled that on the balance of probabilities, Andrew Mitchell most likely did call PC Toby Rowland a ‘pleb’ as he left Downing Street last year, the former Tory chief-whip was left ruing the emancipation of plebeians across the country. A member of Mitchell’s legal team was heard saying the Tory MP was considering raising an army to defend his good name.

“He’s utterly disgusted that he isn’t allowed to say what he wants and ride his bike where he wants,” said a close friend of Mitchell’s, Henry Buttersnatch, “He thinks it’s about time someone showed those blasted peasants who’s boss!”

Early indications suggest that Mitchell’s plans haven’t aroused much support from the Tory front bench, though George Osborne is believed to have tried to hatch a similar plan last year.

Like a lot of cyclists in London, Mitchell is a complete tosser.