Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Tuesday, 26 February 2013


The Chancellor of the Exchequer has made an extraordinary plea to Welsh wing-playing wizard, Gareth Bale, in the wake of credit agency Stroppy & Co.’s downgrading of the nation’s AAA credit rating to AAA- ; and the accompanying titular insult of its downgrading of ‘Great Britain’ to ‘Britain’. George Osborne has declared that despite grimly-morbid external assessments of the country’s economic health, he’s putting his money on the Tottenham ace to ‘Bale’ the country out of trouble.

“He has done it for Tottenham on countless occasions this season and there is no reason why he can’t do it for Britain!” the Chancellor said, in a statement made to press at the International House of Arseholery, “Come on Gareth! We need you to Bale us out!”

The twenty-three year old midfielder is said to be none-too-pleased with the sudden demands for him to rid a nation of sixty million people of its macro-economic ills. With the crucially-important North London derby against Arsenal this weekend to prepare for, Bale understandably has other concerns on his mind.

“I’m already taking a whole team to the fucking Champions League,” said Bale, casually chipping a football into a rubbish bin from eighty metres, “I can’t sort out a whole country’s economy as well! Why don’t they ask Mo Farah or someone?”

As news of Britain’s credit downgrade hit the markets, the value of Sterling fell, causing British asset-values to take a substantial hit. But conversely, following stellar performances in Europe and the Premier League, Bale’s value in the last few weeks has sky-rocketed. City analysts are forecasting that at current rates of currency depreciation and scoring-Bale-appreciation, the Spurs favourite could soon be one of the most-valued productive assets in the British economy.  

That's good, but it doesn't create jobs.

Wednesday, 20 February 2013


In a shock confession – very much in the manner of recently-disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong – the secret to Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor’s dominance over the world of darts for the last ten years was revealed to a stunned television audience. Whereas Armstrong took to Oprah Winfrey’s TV channel to make his confession, The Power disinterred his own dirty-deed in front of a captivated studio audience at The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Many have often wondered how Taylor has managed to remain in the optimum physical condition to play darts for such a long time:

“Everyone knows that The Power’s body is like a temple,” said Darts reporter, Tubbs Everley. “The Power has been in perfect condition for ages now and we always wondered how he managed to do it – well now we know.”

Taylor admitted to a participating in a systematic campaign of doping that lasted for over ten years. It began with small pills to increase his appetite being slipped into his pork scratchings; but it progressed to him eating whole turkeys basted in a steroid-enriched lard and drinking entire barrels of ale laced with performance-enhancing amphetamines. It reached a point where nearly all of Taylor’s food was fortified with some kind of banned substance, and as Taylor was normally eating for eighteen hours a day, The Power himself admits: “Doping was my life.”

The Power’s revelation has shaken the world of darts to its very core; with fights breaking out in the audience of The Jeremy Kyle Show as fans struggled to cope with their emotions. A single-mother from Walthamstow and a pensioner from Halifax were arrested following the fracas.

“The Power was my hero,” said an unnamed fan, consoling himself with twelve pints of lager and four meat pies, “I just don’t know how I am going to deal with this. If I don’t find myself a small guy to punch soon my dog is really gonna get it.”

Some bodies are just too good to be true.


In another technological blunder from the ground-breaking but mildly-annoying tech-giant Apple, software updates issued for the I-Phone are inadvertently causing units to spontaneously explode; threatening to sever limbs, inflict burns and irreparably damage high-scores on Angry Birds. Four men were severely injured following a series of occurrences Wigan, where immediately following the download of an update onto an I-Phone, the unit spontaneously exploded.

“I didn’t even know why I needed the update,” said Perry Tratchett (one of the victims from Wigan), “and it took such a long time to download. When it eventually did, the bloody thing blew-up and took my finger off.”

It isn’t the first time that the mind-bogglingly useless and seemingly always to-be-downloaded updates have caused headaches for the California headquartered-company. Last year an update to the I-Phone’s IOS 5 software system, caused phones in Germany to permanently display an image of Cornish comedian 'Jethro' as the system wallpaper. The revised update that was hastily issued to remedy the public-relations catastrophe contained only a temporary fix; whereby Jethro’s face was replaced with a photograph taken from the 'Joy of Sex' manuals of the 1970s. This was warmly received in Germany, as was Jethro, who toured the country following a sudden burst in popularity.

Later on in 2012 an IOS update containing the new Apple maps function was laden with critical errors, resulting in several users of the map being lead dangerously astray. In November, an I-Phone user from Bromley was using Apple maps to find his local Argos, but a false reading of his GPS caused him to be mistakenly guided to Guantanamo Bay – where he was routinely water-boarded and subjected to sleep-deprivation; before being blindfolded, flown back to the UK, and released without charge.

Graham abandons Apple maps, realising he should've seen Big Ben by now.

It is rumoured that Apple are now looking at the entire practice of issuing updates, with many insiders believing the very principle of updates is contrary to everything Apple stands for.

“Apple is about churning out new technology all the time – and making sure that the consumer pays through their ass for it,” said an unnamed Apple employee from his bean-bag chair, “Free downloads that fuck stuff up have got to go!”

Friday, 25 January 2013

Mail-order brides for the recession...


What makes the perfect Attack Ad…

US TV channels are awash with a campaign of ill-conceived but extremely expensive attack ads, paid for by the National Rifle Association. The NRA hopes to make a lethal assault in its latest battle with common logic, as it wrangles with that most hideous of foe: the idea that civilians shouldn’t possess military weapons.  When confronting seemingly irrefutable logic, the most potent weapon in the hands of the moron in 2013 is the well-produced attack ad. When facts don’t help, just shout louder! ZEITguide takes a look at what makes the perfect logic-busting attack ad…

Sexy Graphics:
Possibly the most persuasive tool in the fight with reason is undoubtedly the use of mind-bogglingly-irrelevant but irresistibly-sexy graphics.  The NRA have outdone themselves with their recent effort, confirming the assertion that the use of sinister silhouettes should be actively encouraged.

Judicious use of the ‘boom’ sound effect:
The fact that a resonant ‘boom’ sound effect is a pre-requisite to all good attack ads is beyond discussion; it is nearly impossible to make impactful statements of a wildly illogical nature without them. The issue is the level of usage: too little and your ad risks resembling a tawdry attempt at slam poetry; too much and you ad’s soundtrack strays dangerously close to the realms of house music. Extremely ill-advised.

Pointless but effective comparisons:
Don’t dwell on the fact that there may be distinguishable differences between the President of the USA and a man working in Starbucks, or the entire population of Ecuador and a cat – if it’s going to make a statement, make that comparison!

End with a militaristic slogan:
The NRA have used ‘Stand up and fight!’ in their latest effort, which given the armed nature of their target demographic, is as relevant as it is exhortative. Notable successes from other organisations in the past are: ‘Put up or shut-up!’, ‘We shall overcome!’, ‘No surrender!’ and ‘Go fuck yourself!’

Attack ads can be the face of an organisation if required.

Slightly disconcerting ad on Gumtree. No time waster.

Thursday, 24 January 2013


Prime Minister David Cameron promised that if re-elected in 2015, he would hold a referendum on whether Britain should remain in the EU, or leave…and potentially join Africa.

The Prime Minister’s statement stressed the importance of giving the Britons the freedom to choose between the red-tape-lined, supra-legal, mandatory-square banana regulations-fest that was the European Union; and the sun-baked, Attenborough-loved, mineral-filled-but-occasionally-troublesome continent of Africa.

“The British public have the right to choose, this has always been a Tory priority,” thundered the Prime Minister, “Belgium or Burkina Faso? Oberpfaffenhofen or Ouagadougou? The choice is yours!”

The Prime Minister’s latest statement is said to be a move which will appease – and for a time, silence - Euro-sceptic members of his party, as well regaining some of the ground lost to UKIP in recent months. However, despite pleasing many Tory Euro-sceptics, Cameron’s pledge has alienated a large number of Tory Ethnic-racists.

“I never imagined there could be anything worse than being ruled by a horde of krauts and frogs,” said one particularly racist party member, “then they suggested this.”

Many commentators are predicting that disaffected Tories begin defecting to far-right parties in their droves. Organisations such as the BNP, the EDL, the Mighty White Alliance and the Project for the Eternal Celebration of Enoch Powell, are all possible beneficiaries. Others are suggesting that this splinter group may form a party all of their own, solely for the representation of conservative racist interests.   

Europe or Africa?

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Apologies for the hiatus!!!

Will be back online very soon....