AMOEBA HIRED BY PEPSI IN AMBUSH-MARKETING PLAN AT LONDON 2012

In what is being regarded as the only way to usurp the Draconian brand protection laws being enforced throughout the London 2012 Games, Pepsi and other brands that are not on the official sponsors’ list, are planning on using billions of amoeba in the most ambitious ambush-marketing attempts ever.

Pepsi are said to have tested the method as a response to the Beijing Olympics, where brand protection was equally as fierce as in London.

“We knew in Beijing things would be tight,” a spokesman from Pepsi said, “But hey, they don’t got human rights over there, so they can be as tight as a nun’s…”

Pepsi formed a joint venture with a number of other companies; to fund research and development into the use of micro-organisms for ambush-marketing programmes, where the use of heavy-handed security prevented other methods.

“At first we couldn’t get more than a green bit of sludge to stick on the wall, “ said Dr. Keinelife, “but later on we made some real progress.”

Pepsi intend on dropping billions of amoeba into the Olympic stadium by air. Upon contact with the ground, the highly trained single-celled organisms will then re-arrange themselves at a microscopic level according to Pepsi’s design, such that the final arrangement would be visible on television.

“Now we just drop ‘em in there and the little fellas run into position and form the Pepsi logo or whatever we want,” said the Doctor, “it’s great to be able to get past the brand police. And the brand army.”

Lord Coe is said to have been outraged by the plans; suggesting he had done absolutely everything possible to protect his beloved sponsor-brands. Determined to keep out rogue single-cell organisms, Coe has vowed to call up thousands of micro biologists (to replace the thousands of now redundant squaddies) and anyone with a microscope to check every cell entering the Olympic park, as a last ditch effort to ensure absolute exclusivity for the Games’ sponsors.

“I will keep-out every single cell and atom if I have to, I don’t care if nobody sees the Games,” said Lord Coe dressed as Ronald McDonald, “No one fucks with my brands. Here have a Coke.”

UNION BOSS FAILS TO APPRECIATE IRONY AS TERRORISTS HOLD HIM HOSTAGE

Union boss Mark Serwotka has failed to appreciate the irony in being held hostage by a group of terrorists in Surrey this week. Serwotka, who consistently threatens the public with Union strikes unless financial rewards are doled out, is no stranger to the arrangement whereby a pecuniary demand is sought through a process of blackmail - also known as ‘being held to ransom’. However, he is said to be bamboozled by the idea that his current capture and ransom is in anyway ironic. When issuing the ransom plea, the kidnappers also released a video of Serwotka.

“I don’t see anything ironic about this at all,” said Serwotka, to a chorus of muffled giggles from his captors, “I never kidnapped anyone. I’m definitely claiming days-off in lieu for this.”

Serwotka’s captors are said to be a terrorist group of international-business travellers - who collectively - have spent over five years standing in immigration queues at Heathrow in 2012. Serwotka’s threat to strike during the Olympics was believed to be the last straw, with statements published on the group’s website claiming: “This selfish bastard is already a dead man.”

It is unclear as to how the terrorists are treating Serwotka. Rumours on social media suggest he is being constantly prodded and asked “Do you get it yet?”

Other reports have indicated that the terrorists have taken to playing the Alanis Morissette song, ‘Ironic’, in the hope that Serwotka may take a hint and finally see the irony. Sadly, most commentators concede that the choice of the famous Morissette tune was probably not a good one (owing to the lack of references to actual irony) with some suggesting ‘I’m the Leader of a Gang’ by Gary Glitter to be more suitable.