Tuesday, 7 January 2014


Following one of the worst Ashes tours in history, things only seem to be getting worse for the England cricket team. In the latest chapter to the seemingly interminable saga, a long overdue bust-up between England coach Andy Flower and premier batsman Kevin Pietersen has finally resulted in the two men coming to blows.

The incident is said to have happened as the squad and management met for a debrief following the last defeat at Sydney. Those present said it wasn’t long before Flower and Pietersen were at each other’s throats.

“Who do you think you are? You look like Robbie Williams from the year 2000!” said a furious Andy Flower.
“At least I don’t look like the white-power leader from American History X!” replied Pietersen, spitting with rage, “Every time you talk it’s like listening to a serial killer’s confession you creepy twat!”

The England coach bit back, “Fuck you pal, at least I’m not married to the mannish one from Liberty X. How much is your wife benching these days?” Flower turned and gleefully high-fived David Saker.
“At least I can get a wife! Your cleft-lip makes you look like a kid from an Oxfam poster!” shouted Pietersen.
“Oh why don’t you go back to South Africa, no wait! It’s because they all hate you!” said Flower stepping towards KP.
“Oh why don’t you go back to your farm in Zim, no wait! It’s because Mugabe took it!” Pietersen laughed and looked to high-five a member of the team but was snubbed by all.

For Flower, the farm-jibe was the last straw, and he strode up to Pietersen and punched him square on the nose. The sight of Pietersen’s blood was said to have made Joe Root cry, but the England No. 3 has denied the allegation. 

Despite being a better batsman, Pietersen's 'Dr. Evil' was really shit.


Russian bookmakers have announced today that Vladimir Putin is the favourite for every single event at the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi. Despite not entering any of them, bookmakers still feel that the Russian President and despotic hall-of-famer is a shoe-in for all the events at the 22nd Winter Olympics, with the lowest odds being offered for the four-man bobsleigh, which Putin is known to be a dab hand at.

“He is such great athlete,” said bookmaker Mikhail Kutminekov, prodded slightly by the Kalashnikov rifle in his back, “And such an inspirational man… who is so handsome and strong… and definitely not a Machiavellian despot… can I see my family now?”

Across the globe the news has been met with a mixed reaction from athletes and officials alike. British downhill skier Shemmy Polpott has expressed particular concern, stating at a press conference that her whole game plan may have to change:

“The whole thing changes now. I thought the lead contender would be a 24 year-old Austrian woman with a pink-blush pretty face but unerringly large thighs, but instead it’s a 61 year-old balding Russian man, who likes targeted assassinations and geo-political blackmail. Totally different ball game.”

Surprisingly, news was poorly received in one country not normally associated with the Winter Olympics. Bookmakers in India were said to be extremely upset at the revelations from Russia, declaring that it is completely unfair that they will now be unable to fix the outcome of any of the events in Sochi 2014.

“I don’t believe it!” said Bangalore bookmaker Rajesh Bakshish, impersonating his favourite TV character, “How can we compete? I didn’t know Putin was so good at everything! Though once I saw him ride a horse whilst shirtless and shoot a rifle one-handed. It was pretty fucking cool.”

Training the only way he knows how: by hunting dissidents 'n' Chechens.