Tuesday, 7 January 2014


Russian bookmakers have announced today that Vladimir Putin is the favourite for every single event at the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi. Despite not entering any of them, bookmakers still feel that the Russian President and despotic hall-of-famer is a shoe-in for all the events at the 22nd Winter Olympics, with the lowest odds being offered for the four-man bobsleigh, which Putin is known to be a dab hand at.

“He is such great athlete,” said bookmaker Mikhail Kutminekov, prodded slightly by the Kalashnikov rifle in his back, “And such an inspirational man… who is so handsome and strong… and definitely not a Machiavellian despot… can I see my family now?”

Across the globe the news has been met with a mixed reaction from athletes and officials alike. British downhill skier Shemmy Polpott has expressed particular concern, stating at a press conference that her whole game plan may have to change:

“The whole thing changes now. I thought the lead contender would be a 24 year-old Austrian woman with a pink-blush pretty face but unerringly large thighs, but instead it’s a 61 year-old balding Russian man, who likes targeted assassinations and geo-political blackmail. Totally different ball game.”

Surprisingly, news was poorly received in one country not normally associated with the Winter Olympics. Bookmakers in India were said to be extremely upset at the revelations from Russia, declaring that it is completely unfair that they will now be unable to fix the outcome of any of the events in Sochi 2014.

“I don’t believe it!” said Bangalore bookmaker Rajesh Bakshish, impersonating his favourite TV character, “How can we compete? I didn’t know Putin was so good at everything! Though once I saw him ride a horse whilst shirtless and shoot a rifle one-handed. It was pretty fucking cool.”

Training the only way he knows how: by hunting dissidents 'n' Chechens.

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