Saturday, 4 January 2014


Nigella Lawson’s publicist, Henrietta Cheval-Bouche, issued a statement on behalf of the recently disgraced TV chef, explaining in full her recent decision to abandon her home country for a re-launch in the US.

“It’s just about business,” said Cheval-Bouche, after her seventh toilet break in an hour, “We have always wanted to crack the US market and the time for doing it is now. It’s nothing to do with the fact that the US is four thousand miles closer to the world’s largest cocaine producing nation. Nothing at all.”

Cheval-Bouche went on to explain that the frequent shuttle flights that Ms Lawson has made from New York to Bogota were because she was arranging a menu for a Columbian orphanage; and that the itinerary of her up-coming book tour which takes her to Mexico, Bolivia, Columbia, Peru, back to Columbia, then to Peru again, was purely driven by business concerns.

Following the revelations made by Ms Lawson during her time as a witness in the recent Saatchi trial, she has been quick to take flight and re-invent herself across the pond. This move has left many UK fans puzzled, who feel that the domestic goddess is still widely revered in her home country.

“Oh we just love her!” said a Nigella Fan Club member, “I don’t care if she has floated along on the trappings of privilege. Or if she admitted to taking class-A drugs in court and got away with it. Or if she’s a Marie-Antionette wannabe on Twitter. Hang on a minute…”

Channel 4 are among those still pleased as mustard with the chalk-faced, girdle-stretching TV Chef; with her new show set to debut to UK screens this week. “We think that everyone who deserves to be behind bars, also deserves to be on the telly!” said a Channel 4 Commissioning editor, spying on a local brothel, “We’ve got a new show for Rolph Harris coming this year, and a weekly video blog from that one-eyed bloke that killed those Policewomen!”

Introducing the latest panel addition to Channel Four's '8 out of 10 Cats'.


A Romanian government official said that the country was ‘disappointed’ with the number of immigrants from the UK, following the eastern European country’s recent accession to the EU. Right-wing newspapers in Bucharest had stoked-up fears that joining the EU would mean an influx of marauding hoards of alcohol-fuelled British criminals. Business owners across the country were advised to take out extra damage insurance and millions of Euros were pumped into the nation's Police force, ensuring a presence at every single outlet in the country that sold alcohol. But, as 2014 was chimed in across Romania, the shirtless masses of British failed to turn up.

“We were very surprised,” said a smiling Border Control Officer, “It was a nice surprise. When the Czechs joined the EU, we heard the whole airport in Prague stunk of vomit within 24 hours.  We ordered thousands of gallons of something called Cillit Bang, so we were ready.”

A collective sigh of relief was felt across the nation, with many now criticising the newspapers and media outlets which fuelled the irrational fears in the first place.

“Things had got completely out of hand,” said Bucharest resident Georghe Onelescu, “They were showing us pictures of British people as demons and monsters! As if they were coming here to terrorise us! And they kept talking about people from somewhere called ‘Essex’, but we know that to be a lie now, no one really acts like that.”

A spokesman from the Romanian Chamber of Commerce went further; expressing real disappointment at the lack of UK immigration. “UK immigrants are good for business! They get drunk and then spend their money on anything! Anything! Our export sector needs a boost, have you tried Romanian Champagne?”

The spokesman went on to say that the only recorded entrants into Romania from the UK was a stag party of eight men from Dudley, all of whom had taken a budget airline flight to Bucharest thinking it was Prague.

Prague Airport arrivals lounge, May 2004.