Saturday, 4 January 2014


A Romanian government official said that the country was ‘disappointed’ with the number of immigrants from the UK, following the eastern European country’s recent accession to the EU. Right-wing newspapers in Bucharest had stoked-up fears that joining the EU would mean an influx of marauding hoards of alcohol-fuelled British criminals. Business owners across the country were advised to take out extra damage insurance and millions of Euros were pumped into the nation's Police force, ensuring a presence at every single outlet in the country that sold alcohol. But, as 2014 was chimed in across Romania, the shirtless masses of British failed to turn up.

“We were very surprised,” said a smiling Border Control Officer, “It was a nice surprise. When the Czechs joined the EU, we heard the whole airport in Prague stunk of vomit within 24 hours.  We ordered thousands of gallons of something called Cillit Bang, so we were ready.”

A collective sigh of relief was felt across the nation, with many now criticising the newspapers and media outlets which fuelled the irrational fears in the first place.

“Things had got completely out of hand,” said Bucharest resident Georghe Onelescu, “They were showing us pictures of British people as demons and monsters! As if they were coming here to terrorise us! And they kept talking about people from somewhere called ‘Essex’, but we know that to be a lie now, no one really acts like that.”

A spokesman from the Romanian Chamber of Commerce went further; expressing real disappointment at the lack of UK immigration. “UK immigrants are good for business! They get drunk and then spend their money on anything! Anything! Our export sector needs a boost, have you tried Romanian Champagne?”

The spokesman went on to say that the only recorded entrants into Romania from the UK was a stag party of eight men from Dudley, all of whom had taken a budget airline flight to Bucharest thinking it was Prague.

Prague Airport arrivals lounge, May 2004.

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