ART GARFUNKEL BELIEVES PAUL SIMON IS BEHIND THE GLOBAL EBOLA OUTBREAK

Legendary musician and one time partner in seminally important folk-duo of the sixties and seventies, Art Garfunkel, has spoken out on the issue of the Ebola virus, which is now spreading its way out of Africa and across the world like a marauding malevolence, seemingly unstoppable to the forces of good, rather like UKIP. Garfunkel believes that when applying the principal of Occam’s razor to the situation, given the virus' genesis in Africa and onward transmission to the West, it is most likely that Paul Simon is the man responsible.

“Everyone knows he goes to Africa all the time, exploiting those groovy people, it’s so sad, yeah so saaad, so sad I know, so sad I know….” said and then sang the sixties-warbler, “And then we know he travels a lot generally, I mean hello? It’s obviously him that’s spreading the damn thing.”

Paul Simon immediately responded to the accusations, calling them “fallacious and incredible” and adding that Garkfunkel was “little more than a raven-haired fantasist with peanut balls and a mushroom for a dick.”

As a precautionary measure, the US Government has quarantined Simon and his immediate friends and family, having already put down the oldest, fattest and most ‘dispensable’ members. Simon’s lawyers appealed the decision to quarantine Mr Simon and his family, but in an unfortunate verdict, the lawyers were also been sent into quarantine as a precautionary measure, leaving Simon in a dire situation.

Garfunkel: "Sometimes I swear you could smell the Ebola on him..."

LONDON’S MUSLIMS ERECT STATUE OF WINSTON CHURCHILL MADE ENTIRELY FROM OLD COPIES OF THE QUR’AN

In response to the pathetically cynical attempt by The Sun newspaper to assist Britain’s Muslims in proving their Britishness, members of an East London mosque have erected a statue of long-time alcoholic racist and reigning Best Briton Ever, Winston Churchill, made entirely from old copies of the Qur’an, hoping to affirm their identity as British Muslims.

“We hope it sends a message to all and sundry that we are as British as everyone else,” said the statue’s creator, Kamal Yupip-ul-Islam, “But, we are Muslims, so like this statue, we are sort of made of old Qur’ans, and of course, a natural fruit-based adhesive.”

A local UKIP councillor was quick to take to Twitter to voice her disgust at the mosque’s statue, in a stinging denouncement of the statue and its creators:

“@Iaintracistyoupaki what a disgrace! Disrispeckting cherchill and giving us the Obama virus! They’ve gone to far."

However, the statue and its intentions have received praise from many artists in the London art scene, including bed-scene-queen Tracy Emin, who said:

“Well Churchill is a subject I tried to tackle as well,” said Emin whilst smearing corn-fed chicken excreta onto a poodle on her lap, “But I decided to use the medium of chilled whale semen, which was an ambitious but ultimately unsuccessful idea.”

The Churchill statue in Dover is made entirely from bird excreta.

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Spanish hospital quarantines Ebola patients in nearby nursery school – With several disgruntled health workers in Madrid tweeting photos of a Madrid hospital’s cell-shatteringly sorry efforts at keeping an Ebola patient in quarantine, it became apparent that Spanish authorities were banking on Ebola germs to be about as easy to spot as a five-stone Labrador. Further surprising miscalculations have included sending quarantined patients to ‘chill’ at a local nursery school, and asking health workers to shower with their patients in order to ‘create solidarity’.

Obama finds the image of himself in an old picture in the attic has gradually turned into George W. Bush – As his first botched attempt at a military incursion into the familiar stomping ground of misguided US Presidents falters in the face of stern resistance, Obama realises that ISIL is quickly becoming another Iraq – in Iraq… and Syria as well this time. As the president’s worst fears slowly come to fruition it is reported he was further smashed by a blow of Oscar Wildean proportions, when he discovered that an old portrait of himself long stored away in his attic, had slowly changed into a 

portrait of George W. Bush (wearing a cowboy hat and casually grasping his phallus).  

Narendra Modi to star in the latest digital remake of Star Wars – Following his bewildering deployment of Star Wars lexicon in front of thousands of delirious Indian Americans at a glitzy event in the US, Narendra Modi has been offered write-in role in George Lucas’s latest digital remake of Star Wars. It is reported that Modi will play a benevolent leader from a far-away planet of merchants and IT workers, and will appear reasonable, wise and beneficent, but with a slightly questionable attitude towards Muslims.

"Politics shouldn't influence the judiciary" said the cow.

Friesian cow turns down job of Attorney General in Wisconsin – A Friesian cow has turned down the job of Attorney General in Wisconsin, citing the growing incursions of political influence to be her main reason for stepping back. The cow further added that she wished the new Attorney General the best of luck but re-iterated that she was not seeking to take office, now or in the future. The cow explained that she would spend the foreseeable future grazing in a field and swatting flies with her tail, and beyond that, possibly a family law practice.