#ZEITbites

Politics

LABOUR’S NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES – Corbyn organises shadow cabinet visit to a local kebab shop…

LIB DEMS LOOK SET TO REGAIN POWER – Electricity finally turned on after three day power-cut at London HQ…

TORIES PLEDGE TO HELP THE YOUNG – …transition smoothly from benefit dependence into adult poverty….

LABOUR PEER SUPPORTS CORBYN – Lord Grabiner managed to catch a fainting Corbyn when he informed him of his resignation…

On his way not to meet the Queen.

Sport

ENGLAND BATSMEN SHOW FIGHT IN UAE – …for approximately twelve minutes, before wilting and folding like a defeated leaf of lettuce.

MOURINHO SHOWS HUMILITY IN DEFEAT TO WEST HAM – …though not before behaving like a bell-end and getting sent off.

KIWIS LOOK TO MEET AUSSIES IN LONDON SHOW DOWN AFTER DOWNING PROTEAS – The final of the Walkabout’s “Get Fuckin’ Pissed” Challenge takes place in London next week.

The Southern hemisphere's best fight it out in London.

World

PATRICIA LOOKS SET TO OBLITERATE LARGE PARTS OF MEXICO – Fat woman from Basildon promises to “smash it up” on her upcoming holiday to Cancun.

US AND RUSSIA IN TALKS OVER SYRIA – Planes from opposing air forces accidentally cross radio waves whilst flying bombing raids over the country.

HILLARY CLINTON GOES FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH IN RUN UP TO PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN – Former first lady is one month into the Insanity workout programme… 

Reaping the benefits of maximum interval training.

ZEITlies UK News Round-Up

Talk Talk hacking problem “smaller than first thought” as no one actually uses Talk Talk – The communications company was delighted to announce that the size of the hacking problem had affected less customers than initially thought, after investigations revealed hardly anyone uses shitty Talk Talk anyway. Company insiders also confirmed that the details of the customers who do still use Talk Talk, are likely to be dirty and undesirable in any event.

George Osborne demands that the nation’s cleaners contribute more to GDP – Looking to defend his widely criticised move to remove tax credits for the lowest earners in the country, Osborne has said he believes that such a move can improve the nation's productivity. Responding to comments that his cuts mostly affect cleaners and street sweepers, Osborne was quick to point out that if the lazy bastards just “cleaned harder and faster, the nation’s debt would be gone in no time”.

Germaine Greer completes journey from revolutionary to “Instrument of the Man” – After her bewilderingly transphobic comments this week in the run up to a university lecture tour she is undertaking, Greer’s actions have confirmed that like everyone with any idealism as a young person, she too has finally become “The Man”. Few thought that a revolutionary feminist could ever represent an establishment viewpoint, but when Greer snorted that transgender people could never be women, her journey to Man-hood was complete.

British Olympic Committee face bakery based bribery allegations – With a nation perennially in the grip of baking fever, the British Olympic Committee is facing allegations that it attempted to bribe the IOC to include baking as an Olympic sport at the next Winter Games. An IOC statement says several delegates received packages from the British committee that included envelopes of money, and perfectly cooked apple turnovers and Victoria sandwiches with Marry Berry’s signature buttercream filling.

Whatevs. You're totes 'The Man' now.

METEOROLOGISTS DEMAND ‘SCARIER NAMES’ FOR HURRICANES IN ORDER TO SUFFICIENTLY WARN PUBLIC

As hurricane season swirls its way into the Caribbean and the Western seaboard of Mexico, meteorologists are demanding that hurricanes are given scarier names in order to sufficiently warn the public of the terror they actually bring.

“Right now we got Patricia,” said Fox News weatherman, Chet Thunder, “Who the heck is scared of anyone or anything called Patricia. You can’t expect the public to take that seriously. I mean look what happened with Katrina? You name a storm after a figure skater and no one gives a shit!”

A concerned group of weathermen and women have gathered across social media to collate a list of hurricane names they felt would be of a sufficiently threatening nature such that the public would likely take them seriously. This list includes, names like “Vladimir”, “Adolf”, “Ivan” and “Darth Vader”, though the name hurricane “Robin Thicke” was excluded from the list, with many feeling such a name would only be threatening to women who enjoyed consensual sex.

“Just imagine the impact it would have on the news if the anchor was yelling Adolf is coming!” said Thunder, “It’s exactly the kind of weather communication we need at Fox News.”

It doesn't even look like a 'Patricia'. 

Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

FIVE TEST CRICKET CAREERS THAT WERE ANNOYINGLY CUT SHORT…

1.       Donald Bradman

The Don, the Big Man, Bradders (ok I made that nickname up, but it sounds good), is a cricketer that needs no introduction, but “bloke with nearly a hundred average” isn’t a bad place to start. Widely regarded as the greatest batsmen to play the game, he has an average that is the benchmark for all modern cricketers. But thanks to a lack of matches and a bloody world war, the little man from Cootamundra only played 52 tests. This is a fact that will constantly blight the Don’s otherwise astonishing batting average, but in a way which is utterly beyond his control!

2.       Vinod Kambli

It’s quite possible that many young cricket fans today won’t even know Vinod Kambli, but when he burst on to the scene against England in 1993, many were sure he was the next big thing. He was the other bloke who got more runs than Tendulkar in “that partnership” from school cricket, and in his third test match, he notched up a double hundred. He managed to repeat the feart in the very next game, but just thirteen matches later and Kambli’s test career was over in amidst a miasma of indiscipline and misapplication, leaving many Indian fans wondering what could have been…

3.       Marcus Trescothick

Ok, Trescothick played 76 test matches and ended up with a respectable average of over 43. But following a series of mental health issues and supposed marital problems (everyone knows the story about his wife…), the wonderfully explosive left-hander was forced into an early retirement from international cricket,  prematurely depriving the world of one of England’s most attractive batsman to watch in recent times.

4.       Greame Pollock

There are a number of Proteas players whose careers were truncated by the sporting boycott of apartheid South Africa, but Greame Pollock is arguably the greatest. He played the last of his 28 test matches against Australia in 1970, in a series that handed the Aussies their heaviest ever defeat. Pollock notched up a masterful 270 at Kingsmead, partnered by an equally explosive Barry Richards. The Proteas whitewashed the Aussies in the last series they would play in for over twenty years, and Pollock was reduced to playing county cricket - and the occasional rebel tour - for the rest of his career.

5.       Mohammed Amir

Even after the ban expires he’s still got years left in those legs, but boy was he plucked from the scene at his absolute prime. Part of the reason why the match fixing allegations in 2010 were so shocking, is that they concerned a young cricketer whose talent and ability had enthralled the cricket world. Here was an 18 year old kid who was swinging the ball with Wasim Akramian precision at ninety miles an hour, and he was only going to get better. Five years later and he is still to play another game…

6.       Jonathan Trott

Only kidding.

His career was too long, As was every one of his innings.