Saturday 15 August 2015

MAN SMOKING CIGARETTE ON STATION PLATFORM BRANDED "THE BIGGEST REBEL OF ALL TIME"

A man who regularly lights up a morning cigarette on the platform of Devons Road DLR station has been branded "the biggest rebel of all time". The man’s brazen disregard for the nation's smoking laws is said to be the most strident example of anti-establishmentarianism since the time Jeremy Corbyn mooned Michael Heseltine in Westminster Hall.

“He just doesn’t care,” said fellow commuter, Janet Fuxley, “Most of us though he was vaping, and it’s an open platform so who cares. But when we realised he was actually smoking , we all thought, woah, this guy is a fucking rebel.”

The man is said to be an office worker at a bank or law firm in Canary Wharf. It is unclear what has made this otherwise functioning member of society become such a dangerous outlaw, but local law enforcement has already issued posters offering a reward for information about him.

“I know that it’s wrong to do it, but oh my god,” continued a dough eyed Fuxley, “I love a rebel! He’s like James Dean or Brian Harvey from East-17. Enigmatic and irresistible.”  

An artist's rendition of the smoking man of Devons Road.

VIRGINIA POLICE OFFICER ACCIDENTALLY FAILS TO KILL BLACK PERSON WHEN SHOOTING HIM

A Virginia police officer inadvertently failed to kill an unarmed black civilian, when shooting him for a minor misdemeanour in Richmond last night. Officer Ray Sissed was reported to have shot unarmed black teenager, Demarkevius LaShawn Jackson-Thomas, following an altercation outside of a convenience store on the outskirts of Richmond.

“I saw the suspect leave the store with what looked like a can of soda in his hands,” said Officer Sissed, squirting a wad of soggy wad of tobacco from his mouth into a nearby spittoon, “I of course assumed that he stole that can of soda at gunpoint so I proceeded to try and apprehend the suspect. When he failed to respond to my whispered calls of ‘stop’, I pulled out my gun and started shooting.”

Sissed explained that inexplicably, he ignored all his previous training on how to shoot an unarmed black civilian, and shot LaShawn Jackson-Thomas in the leg thereby rendering him immobile and no longer a threat. When Sissed realised what he had done, he was said to have been inconsolable.

“When I realised I didn’t put six bullets in the back of his head for a crime he may or may not have committed, I knew it was time for me to take a break from policing,” said a tearful Sissed, “I just want to be able to protect and serve the right way. The American way.”

Richmond police officers await a black teenager alleged to have used the 'F word'.
RECORD RISE IN CITY BREAK BOOKINGS FOLLOWING THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF ANOTHER TUBE STRIKE

Travel agents across London have experienced an unprecedented rise in bookings for city breaks following the announcement of another tube strike due to take place this week. Travel agents believe the rise represents a growing trend amongst Londoners to use the increasing number of strike days to have a long weekend or a short break away.

“It’s basically like having another bank holiday,” said Thomas Cook spokesman, Tom Cook, “ Most people will no doubt be informing their employers that they will be working from home on the strike day, but really, it’s likely they will be taking advantage of some of our fabulous getaway offers.”

London office worker, Sharon Farronbarron, said that the strike was the perfect opportunity for office workers across the capital to cool their heels for a day, whilst also being able to exhibit disingenuous indignation at the actions of the unions.

“It’s great,” said Farron, browsing through Groupon offers to use on the day of the strike, “I get to treat myself AND I get to act all high and mighty by calling those union workers a bunch of lazy, overpaid bastards trying to ruin the lives of hard working people like me…. Ooh, look, half price spa day!”

The sign at Waterloo Underground Station manages to hypnotise hundreds of commuters.

VETERANS CELEBRATE THE USE OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS BY REMEMBERING VJ DAY

Literally pairs of veterans gathered to remember VJ day at events around the country, staged to commemorate the destruction of Japanese cities by the deployment of nuclear weapons, and Japan’s eventual surrender in World War 2. Seventy years ago, the day also marked the release of thousands of British POWs, held in Japanese prison camps.

“It’s a bloody disgrace how they treated the POWs,” said former Royal Navy officer, Barney O’Mahoney, “I mean sure, we dropped a nuke on them and slaughtered thousands of civilians, but seriously, it’s about time they apologised.”

The Tory government echoed this sentiment, issuing a statement saying that Japan should still feel remorse for the disgraceful way it treated its POWs. The Japanese Ambassador in London is said to have responded by delivering a book titled “British Colonial History” and a list of countries waiting for apologies to the Foreign Office.

“We can’t forget the bravery of Britain and her allies in their bitter struggle to bring the  Japanese conflict to a close,” said defence spokesman Lance Kinderfrau, “It took courage to drop those A-bombs, and we remember that every VJ day.”

Sticking it to the Japs.