SPORT NEWS ROUND UP:

·         ECB do the world’s bowlers a favour by dropping Kevin Pietersen – The Stalinist management of the England Cricket Team have decided to respond to their recent 5-0 drubbing in the Ashes by dropping their best batsmen. If they fail to register wins on their upcoming tours, the side’s best bowler, Stuart Broad, is also likely to be dropped; and if that doesn’t bring the desired result, batsmen will have their bats taken away and bowlers will have to wear lead-weighted boots.

·        Rafael Nadal’s right arm sues left arm for lost earnings – The tennis ace’s much smaller right limb is suing the much more burly left for lost earnings from arm-modelling contracts that have been awarded exclusively to the left. Lawyers for the right arm argue that the left would scarcely be as burly – and thus marketable to arm enthusiasts across the world - were it not for the continuing efforts of the right. Nadal’s right and left pectoral reached a settlement in similar contentious proceedings last year.

Man United's new Scotland kit

·         Manchester United boss David Moyes denies he is living out his dream in their new away kit – The struggling Premiership manager denies any suggestions that the new kit is a poor approximation of the Scotland kit, stating that all decisions regarding the kit were taken by the manufacturer. Some United insiders however are not convinced, particularly in light of his plans to rename Old Trafford to ‘Old Hampden Park’, and to play ‘Flower of Scotland’ before matches.

·         IOC to clamp down on curling-related-violence at Sochi 2014 – Following an outbreak of violence at recent pre-Winter Olympic curling matches, the IOC is keen to ensure such behaviour doesn’t take place at Sochi. A recent tournament in Finland saw viscous fighting breaking out between several of the teams competing. Norwegian curler Gunnar Thensom hurled a stone at his Swedish counterpart Sven Svensson, before chasing him with a broom for twenty minutes. He was eventually hauled away by security staff shouting “Your ass is mine Svensson! Mine!”

The worrying phenomenon of curling rage.

COALITION GOVERNMENT INTRODUCE OXYGEN TAX FOR BENEFITS CLAIMANTS

In another attempt to pillage the nation’s most downtrodden and vulnerable, the Coalition government has announced plans to supplement the ‘Bedroom Tax’ (a penalty imposed on benefits claimants with ‘spare bedrooms’) with a new ‘Oxygen Tax’, for all ‘spare’ cubic metres of oxygen in a benefit claimant’s property that are not being used at any one time.

A Home Office spokesman said the moves were a fundamental part of the drive to reform the welfare sector:

“We want to send the message that work pays,” the spokesman said whilst cantering an Arabian thoroughbred, “If you work, you can lap-up all the oxygen you want. You can breathe it in for fun! But, if you’re going to be fat, lazy and ugly, then you should be prepared to pay more for your right to respire.”

The government plan to remove 5 pounds from a claimant’s Universal Credit for each ‘spare’ cubic metre of oxygen present in the home. A UN spokesman has voiced concern that the policy stands to breach the benefits claimants’ right to life under the Universal Declaration on Human Rights.

“The policy is a little too far-reaching for our liking,” said the bemused spokesman, “The fact that the average benefits claimant is set to lose 98% of their entitlement is a problem. The fact that the policy will affect some 99.9% of claimants is a further concern.”

As with the Bedroom Tax, rather than whipping claimants into shape and yanking them up by their trainer laces, the Oxygen Tax is instead prompting aggrieved and out-of-pocket welfare claimants to resort to extreme measures.

“When they started taxing our spare bedroom we thought, f**k that, we’ll use it to grow weed,” said Mr P Taker, “Now we they’re taxing our spare oxygen, we’re gonna bottle up what we have and flog it on the black market. The Chinese are buying it up by the shit-load so we can cash in!”

When it comes to saving oxygen, every little helps.