FLOYD MAYWEATHER PROMISES TO GIVE THREE DOLLARS TO CHARITY FOLLOWING PACQUIAO FIGHT

In what members of his entourage are calling “an unprecedented charitable donation”, Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather has promised to give three dollars of his $180 million fee for fighting Manny Pacquiao to a worthy charity.

“I might like to wash my balls in Cristal, wipe my ass using fifty dollar bills and use Faberge eggs as rocks to throw at people I find ugly, but I still like to give back,” said Mayweather at a press conference, hosted on a platform made of imported Amazonian human, “That’s why I’m donating three dollars to the Floyd Mayweather foundation, which advances the cause of children named Floyd or Mayweather.”

Mayweather refused to comment on his opponent’s $40 million donation of his fight fee to charity, instead directing journalists attention to the diamond encrusted tooth pick that he was about to throw down a nearby toilet.

The majority of the revenue is set to come from millions of pay-per-view subscribers in the USA and internationally. Professor Loball of the University of Chicago has calculated that given the primary demographic of subscribers, the pay-per-view fee is effectively the most regressive taxation in history.

Mayweather emails Oxfam telling them to fuck off.

ROYAL BABY COULD BE OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE BY THE TIME THE NEXT GOVERNMENT IS FORMED

With political paralysis seemingly the most likely outcome of next week’s General Election, some analysts are predicting that the Princess of Cambridge may actually be old enough to vote by the time the next government is formed. Neither the Conservatives nor Labour look set to claim an overall majority, confirming fears that both parties are merely opposing cheeks of the same political arse, inevitably creating an electoral result resembling a spattering of faecal matter.

“It’s going to be very messy,” said amateur pollster, Roger Megood, “Worse than the time Ed Miliband was let loose on bowl of spaghetti and meat balls. It may well be that we just abolish the political parties and get everyone to vote independently for every piece of legislation that gets passed. It’ll be a ball ache but have you got a better idea?”

Ed Miliband, despite repeated pleas from Nicola Sturgeon to consider otherwise, continues to rule out the possibility of a coalition with the SNP,  stating that he still felt Labour would get the majority they needed. The moment the statement was made, Ladbrookes slashed the odds on a Lab-SNP coalition to 5-4.

Tories have been quick to let voters know that any delays or uncertainty in forming a new government will be punished by the markets.

“The best way to recovery is to vote in another Tory government with a stable majority. That’s the result the market wants,” said Tory activist, Willoghby Tittleframper, “Then and only then can we continue with our policy of aggressively cutting the deficit and making Britain the most unequal society in the developed world.” 

Likely to be a daily occurrence in the next Parliament.