PIERS MORGAN’S GREEN CARD REVOKED UPON HIS DISMISSAL FROM CNN

The US Government is keen to capitalise on perhaps the most rapid demise of a Brit in America since Hugh Grant had his junk fiddled by Divine Brown. Morgan was said to be furious with the government’s decision to revoke his green card, vowing to dedicate his whole life to smearing his former host country on Twitter. In response, the US Government released a one line statement which simply read: “F**k off you complete douche”.

Morgan was said to have been heart-broken following his dismissal from CNN, apparently pleading desperately with the news network’s producers. He offered several suggestions for other shows to replace the now defunct Piers Morgan Live: a show where Morgan interviews members of the British House of Lords, called “Piers meets Peers”, a travel programme where he visits all the nation’s piers called “Piers does Piers”, a chat show with Dragons Den’s Piers Linney on Brighton Pier called “Piers and Piers on the Pier”, and a variety show where Morgan plays a number of his own satirical sketch characters called, “Piers Piers! Piers Piers Piers!”

A member of Morgan’s team agreed to speak off the record, and following receipt of thirty-pence Sterling, she quickly agreed to defame her boss on the record.

“He couldn’t believe that they didn’t like any of his ideas, but he forgets, every single person in the USA hates him. He didn’t stand a chance. When he left the building a group of nuns from Brooklyn mugged him and stole his phone.”

Morgan was unavailable for comment on his own affairs, busy as he was on Twitter, commenting on his own affairs.

Morgan is said to - quite literally - love the smell of his own farts.

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

·         Tribe of Cherokee Indians massacred outside Taunton – The visiting native-Americans were caught performing a rain dance in a car park behind the local Asda, one of the few places in the area not under six feet of water. When news spread amongst the flood ravaged locals, a damp and irate mob surrounded the dancing tribesman and beat them to death with cricket bats. It is thought that the Cherokee meant no harm, as none of them actually believed the dance really worked.

·         Welsh leek company to sponsor the first ‘World’s Biggest Leak’ competition – The inaugural competition will see the very leaky Pentagon Papers leaker, Daniel Ellsberg, pitted against the leakiest cyber-leak of the 21st Century, Edward Snowden. The competition will involve several leak and leek based events, with the eventual winner set to receive a first prize of over two hundred thousand pounds worth of leeks.

·         Ethically manufactured clothing seized from Primark – A rogue shipment of clothes - manufactured in factories offering safe working conditions and reasonable pay - has been seized by customs before it was unloaded at the Primark depot in Dagenham. A Primark spokesman said the company was urgently reviewing its supply-chain procedures and it assured shareholders that such a thing would never happen again.

·         One-Direction banned from Russia under Putin’s gay laws – The law prohibiting the promotion of homosexuality to the under-18s has taken another victim, as teenage gay-icons One Direction are banned from touring and selling products in the Russian Federation. A statement from Moscow explained that “Having a band of openly homosexual men being promoted to the under-18s is exactly the thing we are trying to prohibit with our laws. Why don’t you get that?”

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