Monday, 24 February 2014


·         Tribe of Cherokee Indians massacred outside Taunton – The visiting native-Americans were caught performing a rain dance in a car park behind the local Asda, one of the few places in the area not under six feet of water. When news spread amongst the flood ravaged locals, a damp and irate mob surrounded the dancing tribesman and beat them to death with cricket bats. It is thought that the Cherokee meant no harm, as none of them actually believed the dance really worked.

·         Welsh leek company to sponsor the first ‘World’s Biggest Leak’ competition – The inaugural competition will see the very leaky Pentagon Papers leaker, Daniel Ellsberg, pitted against the leakiest cyber-leak of the 21st Century, Edward Snowden. The competition will involve several leak and leek based events, with the eventual winner set to receive a first prize of over two hundred thousand pounds worth of leeks.

·         Ethically manufactured clothing seized from Primark – A rogue shipment of clothes - manufactured in factories offering safe working conditions and reasonable pay - has been seized by customs before it was unloaded at the Primark depot in Dagenham. A Primark spokesman said the company was urgently reviewing its supply-chain procedures and it assured shareholders that such a thing would never happen again.

·         One-Direction banned from Russia under Putin’s gay laws – The law prohibiting the promotion of homosexuality to the under-18s has taken another victim, as teenage gay-icons One Direction are banned from touring and selling products in the Russian Federation. A statement from Moscow explained that “Having a band of openly homosexual men being promoted to the under-18s is exactly the thing we are trying to prohibit with our laws. Why don’t you get that?”

Snowden or Ellsberg: Who's the biggest leak?

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