Monday, 24 February 2014


The US Government is keen to capitalise on perhaps the most rapid demise of a Brit in America since Hugh Grant had his junk fiddled by Divine Brown. Morgan was said to be furious with the government’s decision to revoke his green card, vowing to dedicate his whole life to smearing his former host country on Twitter. In response, the US Government released a one line statement which simply read: “F**k off you complete douche”.

Morgan was said to have been heart-broken following his dismissal from CNN, apparently pleading desperately with the news network’s producers. He offered several suggestions for other shows to replace the now defunct Piers Morgan Live: a show where Morgan interviews members of the British House of Lords, called “Piers meets Peers”, a travel programme where he visits all the nation’s piers called “Piers does Piers”, a chat show with Dragons Den’s Piers Linney on Brighton Pier called “Piers and Piers on the Pier”, and a variety show where Morgan plays a number of his own satirical sketch characters called, “Piers Piers! Piers Piers Piers!”

A member of Morgan’s team agreed to speak off the record, and following receipt of thirty-pence Sterling, she quickly agreed to defame her boss on the record.

“He couldn’t believe that they didn’t like any of his ideas, but he forgets, every single person in the USA hates him. He didn’t stand a chance. When he left the building a group of nuns from Brooklyn mugged him and stole his phone.”

Morgan was unavailable for comment on his own affairs, busy as he was on Twitter, commenting on his own affairs.

Morgan is said to - quite literally - love the smell of his own farts.

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