Wednesday, 5 March 2014


With Putin determined to slap his military wang all over the Crimean peninsula and beyond, a cowering world is forced to hold its breath as tensions between Russia and the West reach levels rarely seen since the days of Rocky 4. Despite reassurances that under no circumstances will NATO be seeking to tackle Putin’s wang, the prospect of all-out war has drifted like a malevolent fart over hoards of worried fighting-age men. For a generation brought-up fighting on video games like Call of Duty and Battlefield, the prospect of a real war is quite simply, shit-inducing. Across the country, young people have been expressing their concern.

“Well you don’t get to re-spawn,” said Terry Berry, a worried teenager from Barnet playing Team Deathmatch in his pants, “That’s a big problem right there. You get just one life! What the fuck? It would be over in two seconds.”

A secret-report drafted by consultants for the Ministry of Defence (leaked by those same consultants), has exposed deep fears that the current generation has totally underestimated what a real conflict would be like, as the following extract shows:

“Of principal concern is the prospect that if a youngster from today is put in a close-combat situation with an opposing soldier, it is very likely that he will decide to lie-down on the floor rather than stand and shoot, as is the prevalent practice in Call of Duty…”

The fears highlighted in the leaked-report appear to be well founded, with many youngsters struggling to understand that in the event of a war, they would be required to put on clothes and leave the house.   

“It would be shit if it was like all day, every day,” said Matthew Blanchard-Fenster, a student from Exeter, “I only like playing for like an hour or so, gets boring after that, so I just have a wank or something. Would I be able to do that in a real war?”

The Russian army however, has its own problems. Though less of its conscripts are as na├»ve to the prospect of armed conflict as their Western counterparts, many more are liable to waste their time and risk their lives filming outrageously dangerous videos for Youtube. As one Russian military spokesman commented, “With nukes all over the place and some skater-kids on amphetamines looking for a good time… it could get messy.”  

Tomorrow's general...

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