Tuesday, 15 July 2014


After watching her side win the football world cup in heart-stoppingly dramatic fashion, Merkel could barely contain herself as the victorious players made their way to collect the trophy. As the triumphant German side filed their way towards the winners' enclosure, Merkel was on hand to provide a final show of support, giggling like a school girl and squealing with pre-pubescent glee as one-by-one she embraced the lovely handsome boys as they walked past. Onlookers were stunned at Merkel’s complete inability to hide her little girly tendencies, leading many to ask the question: is she in fact a little school girl?

“When I heard all that screaming and squealing, I was shocked to see it was Merkel,” said FIFA Official, Ivor Bribeiro, “We had lots of children from local schools near the winners’ section, I thought the noise was from them!”

Members of the German delegation privately echoed these concerns, with one unnamed (ethnically Chinese) German delegate claiming that Merkel was seen "writing Bastian Schweinsteiger on her notebook over and over and over again, with love hearts as well."

Calls are now coming from all quarters of the Bundestag for Merkel to prove conclusively, that she is in fact a grown woman and not a little school girl who has become an adult by means similar to those employed in the 1988 film 'Big' starring Tom Hanks.

Merkel's aides issued a stern denial, stating that the German Chancellor is far too busy writing love letters to Mario Gotze to be distracted with such trivial inquisitions. 

The German Chancellor was the happiest little girl in the whole wide world.