Monday, 29 February 2016


Britain is bracing itself for the biggest Tory punch-up since Thatcher’s famous biffing of Michael Heseltine in a row about his foppish hairdo. With Mayor of London and three-time Zip-wire World Champion Boris Johnson slamming the government’s pro EU stance, the Tory party is set for another Euro-sceptic-centric bloodbath.  Plans are already underway to build panic rooms into the Tory party’s Millbank HQ, with additional bunkers close to Westminster for Tory MPs to take refuge from the war that is soon to be raging around them. Some however, are using the impending duel as an opportunity for innovative merchandising.

“We’ve been piloting the idea of a Dave vs Boris computer game,” said Tory marketing manager, Willy Banter, “It’d be a beat-em-up kinda game, a bit like Mortal Kombat. Dave’s special weapon would be his tie which would double up as a garrotte, and Boris would have his turbo-powered rugby tackle, like the one he did on that Japanese school kid.”

Not wanting to miss out on an opportunity to plunder people’s money, Hollywood film makers have also stolen a ticket for the blue gravy train. The rumours swirling around the prostitutes and cracked pavements of Hollywood suggest that Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to star in a film about the Bullingdon-boy-brawlathon.

“We think it will be like an Alien vs Predator kinda thing. Two rampaging beasts battling it out, but with Arnie coming along and killing them both,” said Hollywood goss-boss, Roger Megood, whilst aggressively crossing his legs “Arnie will be great for this role. He’s so up to speed on the Brexit debate…only kidding! He thought Brexit was a laxative.” 

If the fight was over 12 rounds, you know who'd win....