NIGEL FARAGE LOOKS TO FORM EU ALTERNATIVE ‘EUWAT?’

Nigel Farage has used his wave of dubiously acquired popularity to announce another measure which he hopes will attract more disaffected voters. Farage has outlined plans to form a breakaway group of EU states, for governments in Europe that share UKIP’s mind-set of xenophobia and irrational hatred of unthreatening minorities. The UKIP leader hopes to establish the European Union of Wankers, Assholes and Twats, or ‘EUWAT?’ for short (Farage claims the question mark has been added for aggressive emphasis). 

As with most of his back-of-a-fag-packet policies, rival politicians have responded with a mixture of disbelief and disgust, alongside complete ignorance of it even happening.

“You what?” said a Tory spokesman for Europe, “Oh ‘EUWAT?’. No, we don’t give a shit about that. Unless… if we give a shit about it, can we cut more welfare spending? We can’t? Oh ok, yeah we don’t give a shit about it then.”

Farage has batted away his rival’s attempt to trivialise his plans, saying the faux-dismissive nature of their statements belies a genuine fear of the right-wing party, which continues to grow like a virulent colonic fungus that is hideously out of control.

“I don’t care if everyone says my ideas are bullshit! It’s because they are scared!” said Farage at a press-conference, which was hosted in an East-End pub alongside a cockfight, “And besides, if I get elected we won’t be using my ideas anyway. I’m going to buy all my policy online from some bloke on Gumtree! Then I can be free to wave goodbye to the immigrants when they leave!”

Farage hears a puerile joke about the late Nelson Mandela.

DIANE ABBOTT STARS IN HEART-BREAKING EPISODE OF CATFISH

The Labour MP Diane Abbott starred in a heart-breaking episode of the MTV series, Catfish, which was aired in the UK last week. The programme is the latest in a host of exploitative garbage - dished out like turds in baguettes -by the former music television company MTV, which aim to humiliate as much as possible, some of the stupidest people on earth. In Catfish, the show’s presenters investigate worryingly naive people’s online relationships with people they have never met before (normally because that person doesn’t exist, is not the gender they said they were, or suffers from Jerry-Springer-level obesity).

Dianne Abbott meets Catfish presenters Nev and Max

Abbott had contacted the show’s presenters, Nev Shulman and Max Joseph, concerning a six-month online relationship she was having with a twenty-three year-old unemployed Texan woman named Alicia. The former Shadow-Minister for Health had exchanged frequent love messages to her Texan girlfriend but had never met her face-to-face. After travelling to Texas to meet Alicia, the MP for Hackey North and Stoke Newington was horrified to discover that she had indeed been ‘Catfished’.

Upon meeting Abbott, Alicia – who appeared some twenty-stone larger than her Facebook selfies - burst into a furious tirade, denying ever feeling anything for Abbott and saying that the whole affair had been a ruse to extort money from her. The Cambridge-graduate and veteran parliamentarian was mortified; particularly in light of the six hundred dollars she had sent to Alicia believing it to be for a phone to call her on.

Diane Abbott is yet to recover.

Abbott’s Labour colleagues in the UK have expressed sorrow and regret at Abbott’s situation:

“I feel so bad for her, it could happen to anyone,” said Bethnal Green councillor Craig Kryponfactor, “Thing is, someone in her position should probably have known better. I mean come on! She hadn’t even seen her on webcam!”

To watch a clip of the show click here