Tuesday, 21 January 2014


Nigel Farage has used his wave of dubiously acquired popularity to announce another measure which he hopes will attract more disaffected voters. Farage has outlined plans to form a breakaway group of EU states, for governments in Europe that share UKIP’s mind-set of xenophobia and irrational hatred of unthreatening minorities. The UKIP leader hopes to establish the European Union of Wankers, Assholes and Twats, or ‘EUWAT?’ for short (Farage claims the question mark has been added for aggressive emphasis). 

As with most of his back-of-a-fag-packet policies, rival politicians have responded with a mixture of disbelief and disgust, alongside complete ignorance of it even happening.

“You what?” said a Tory spokesman for Europe, “Oh ‘EUWAT?’. No, we don’t give a shit about that. Unless… if we give a shit about it, can we cut more welfare spending? We can’t? Oh ok, yeah we don’t give a shit about it then.”

Farage has batted away his rival’s attempt to trivialise his plans, saying the faux-dismissive nature of their statements belies a genuine fear of the right-wing party, which continues to grow like a virulent colonic fungus that is hideously out of control.

“I don’t care if everyone says my ideas are bullshit! It’s because they are scared!” said Farage at a press-conference, which was hosted in an East-End pub alongside a cockfight, “And besides, if I get elected we won’t be using my ideas anyway. I’m going to buy all my policy online from some bloke on Gumtree! Then I can be free to wave goodbye to the immigrants when they leave!”

Farage hears a puerile joke about the late Nelson Mandela.

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