TEAM GB GOLD HAUL BRINGS CALLS FOR THE RETURN OF BRITISH IMPERIALISM

Following the plunder of yet more gold-medals at the London 2012 Olympic Games by Team GB, policymakers and lobbyists alike are calling for the triumphant return of British Imperialism. The Team GB medal tally currently sits at twenty-two golds; the highest number of gold medals won by a British team since the Olympics of 1908, also held in London. This fact has not gone unnoticed, with many now declaring the unquestioned superiority of the people of these Isles. Back in 1908, Britain was a major imperial power, with its territories and protectorates covering large swathes of the planet – a stark comparison to the Britain of today. However, the tiny island nation’s remarkable success at this year’s Games has stoked the imperialist fires of people across the country - with many saying that it’s time to take the world back.

“I think we have to get out there and start building up an empire again!” said Foreign Secretary William Hague, “The Games have made it clear we British are just so marvellous, we need to expand. This time all the subject peoples are bound to know that it’s for their own good.”

Hague is not alone in holding a burgeoning imperialistic ambition. It has been reported that the Home Office and the Treasury have commissioned studies into the economic modelling required to build an empire based entirely on cycling and rowing. It is understood that these industries will be used to ‘civilise’ the locals into the British way as quickly as possible, as well as providing furtive markets for British companies.  It is also hoped that this will create a pipeline for future Olympic champions in these sports.

This time they're bringing bikes....

Reports of British Imperialist ambition have been heard in many former colonies. Indian government spokesman Vaj Payme expressed his concern at his country’s erstwhile colonial masters’ ambitions.

“This is looking pretty worrying for us, they can get a bit greedy when they are confident,” said Payme, accepting bribes with both hands as he spoke, “The thing is - we hardly won any medals, so when they come here, what can we say?”

In many former-colonial countries, significant portions of the civil service and political apparatus that operate today were indeed inherited from the British; causing civil service mandarins in this country to stress the ease at which Britain can take back its old colonies.

“In most cases we just need to find the old hand-books and manuals,” said Gus O’Connell, “Oh, and make sure that we can get hold of plenty of pink-gin once we get there.”

NICK GRIFFIN FOUND DEAD IN HIS HOME AFTER BRITISH ATHLETES TRIUMPH ON ‘SUPER SATURDAY’

Chairman of the British National Party and all round convivial fellow, Nick Griffin, was found dead in his home in Barnet on Saturday, following the glorious victories of British athletes on the much-celebrated ‘Super Saturday’.  The emphatic demonstration of the benefits of multiculturalism was too much for Griffin, who is said to have hung himself with a union jack scarf, in a room adorned with pictures of one-time Olympic 400m Silver medallist, Roger Black. Police also found hundreds of oil-paintings of Olympic Javelin Silver medallist, Steve Backley – several of which featured Backley in nude, semi-nude, or ‘homosexually-suggestive’ nude poses  - along with voodoo dolls of Daley Thomson and Fatima Whitbread.

Griffin’s wife was interviewed by Police and explained how the night of Griffin’s demise unfolded. She described how it had begun brightly, with news of the gold medals having been won earlier in the day in both the cycling and the rowing. Griffin was delighted with the victories; and most importantly, by the level of tan on the skin of the victors. Mrs Griffin told how her husband was so pleased by the cycling, he had moved his exercise bike in front of the television, and was riding along with the pursuit team, screaming: “Take that Diane Abbott!”

However, when events turned to the track and as Britain was plunged into a state of unprecedented delirium; Griffin’s mood began to turn sour. The highly anticipated coronation of Jessica Ennis as Olympic Champion in the Heptathlon 800m caused Griffin to fall off his bike, piling him into a heap on his living room floor. Griffin’s wife told Police how he screamed in anger: “I don’ think she’s attractive at all! I’ve only got an erection because I was sitting on that bike.”

Griffin discovers that the 'Mo' in Mo Farah is not short for Morris...

Griffin is said to have stormed off into another room in a complete rage. However a short while later, Greg Rutherford’s wonderfully unexpected success in the long-jump caused Griffin to re-emerge from his isolation. Sadly, Griffin’s resurgent mood was short-lived.

“All of a sudden I heard a yelp from the living room,” said Mrs Griffin, “I went into the living-room and saw that Mo Farah had won the 10,000m. Nick wasn't taking it too well.”

She then left him alone, hoping his seemingly insatiable rage would quell, but later returned to find the living-room empty - with Griffin having relocated to his ‘Special room’ and committed suicide.

The Griffin residence has been inundated with well wishes - with BNP party members kindly offering to plunder the rewards of debasing their former leader publicly for money; and neighbours and local residents showing their support by leaving piles of steaming faeces on the Griffins' front garden.   

OLYMPIC NEWS IN BRIEF:

Jessica Ennis crowned World’s biggest home-wrecker - 2.3 million infatuated men and women leave their wives and husbands on Sunday morning.

Public Sector workers furious at the use of volunteers at London 2012 – the sight of thousands of people working happily for the benefit of the people and expecting nothing in return is said to be indirectly defamatory.

World Records tumble at the Greenwich Arena – the record for the largest number of paedophiles in a room is broken five times during the Women’s gymnastics.

Public-sector enemy number one.....

US COACH ACCUSES CHINESE ATHLETE OF BEING AN ALIEN

Following the allegations made by World Swimming Coaches Association Director, John Leonard, suggesting that Chinese swimmer Ye Shiwen’s gold medal-winning performance may have been the result of doping; Olympic organisers at London 2012 were quick to come to her defence – saying that she has been regularly tested at the Games, each time passing as clean.

Leonard, who has worked for the US Swimming Team at six Olympic games, refused to acknowledge that his accusation was simply ‘sour-grapes’; owing to China’s success at London 2012 and the apparent re-positioning of the world sporting-order.

“Look, if she ain’t on drugs, there is only one explanation,” said a furious Leonard, scowling at every Chinese person that walked past, “She’s got to be an alien.”

Leonard went on to describe how it is impossible that the Chinese academies could produce such results – highlighting that “No human alive should be able to swim the last 50m faster than Ryan Lochtie – let alone some Chinese chick.”

Leonard then explained that his position on extra-terrestrials competing in the Olympics was clear:

“This is a human Olympics, if she or he or it wants to swim, well they can go back to their own planet.” 

Leonard was questioned further as to whether his latest accusation was the result of some bitterness at the success of the Chinese – some of which has been experienced at the expense of the Americans:

“Why I oughta…..” said a fuming Leonard, as he was restrained by colleagues, “There is no way a damn Chinaman can beat an American. She’s a damn Alien, they all are!”

                    Swimming Coach John Leonard learns of another Chinese medal victory.

CHILDREN OF TOWER HAMLETS REJOICE AT TEAM GB EQUESTRIAN SILVER-MEDAL WIN

London 2012 organisers spoke of inspiring a generation and leaving a legacy; a sentiment that many cynics had sought to criticise. However, few were left doubting the evidence of such sentiment today as children across the London 2012 hosting borough, Tower Hamlets, celebrated the Team GB equestrian silver-medal win. Many have said that the sport is the sole reserve of the privileged and perennially entitled; but the joy shown by teenagers in one of London’s poorest boroughs proved that equestrianism can be just as popular as football.  

“We just love equestrianism innit,” said one delighted youngster, calmly cleaning his handgun, “Dressage is just sick bruv. When Fox-Pitt got a clean round in, man was like braaaaaaap!!”

The Team GB silver medallists were delighted at the reception they received from the hosting borough.

“At the end of the day, we’re just regular people, like the chaps of this borough,” said Eton-educated William Fox-Pitt.

“We hope that our efforts will inspire a generation of children from Tower Hamlets to take up eventing!” exclaimed the beaming - but arguably clueless - Royal Family member Zara Philips, “I know there is a recession on, but come on kids, Daddy can buy you a horse!”

When questioned on the possibility that most people in Tower Hamlets - or anywhere else in the UK - would struggle to afford to take part in a sport like equestrianism, Philips’ response was unequivocal:

“So they should just save up!” she said, blasting a fox to pieces with a shotgun,“God, you have to make sacrifices for this…”

                      Fox-Pitt (centre): Olympic silver-medallist and probable polygamist.

JESUS ASKS DANNY BOYLE TO DIRECT HIS SECOND COMING

Following his celebrated direction of the London 2012 Opening-Ceremony on Friday, Oscar-winning film director Danny Boyle received plaudits the world over. Top of the list of those congratulating Boyle, was none other than world-renowned Palestinian street magician and son of God, Jesus Christ.

Christ, who is planning his second-coming sometime before the US-presidential elections next year, is said to have been impressed by Boyle’s ability to appeal to a broad demographic with his artistic direction, and also by his unrivalled knack to choreograph large-scale historical inaccuracies set to music.

“It was great the way he selectively read history, and then set it to music,” said Christ, speaking to Zeitlies’ Heaven correspondent, “All that fire and brimstone had a real Old Testament feel to it - my Dad would have loved it.”

Christ is understood to have texted the Pope shortly after the conclusion of the Opening Ceremony; asking him to extend both his congratulations to Boyle and also an invitation to direct his second coming. Christ is also said to have contacted Republican US-presidential candidate Mitt Romney to inform him that (contrary to Mormon thinking) the second coming was not going to happen in the US – pretty much the same way that the first coming didn’t happen there either.

“Jesus is keen to set a few things straight with his second coming,” a Vatican spokesman said, “He intends to silence Mormons the world over by not visiting America.”

The spokesman went on to explain how Jesus was looking to ‘internationalise’ his visit as much as possible – with it being a world event, rather than one hosted by a particular country. Accordingly, Boyle has been instructed to leave-out references to Michael Fish, the NHS, Marmite, Dogging or any other expressly UK-centric themes, in any event that he directs.

It's party time.

   

AMOEBA HIRED BY PEPSI IN AMBUSH-MARKETING PLAN AT LONDON 2012

In what is being regarded as the only way to usurp the Draconian brand protection laws being enforced throughout the London 2012 Games, Pepsi and other brands that are not on the official sponsors’ list, are planning on using billions of amoeba in the most ambitious ambush-marketing attempts ever.

Pepsi are said to have tested the method as a response to the Beijing Olympics, where brand protection was equally as fierce as in London.

“We knew in Beijing things would be tight,” a spokesman from Pepsi said, “But hey, they don’t got human rights over there, so they can be as tight as a nun’s…”

Pepsi formed a joint venture with a number of other companies; to fund research and development into the use of micro-organisms for ambush-marketing programmes, where the use of heavy-handed security prevented other methods.

“At first we couldn’t get more than a green bit of sludge to stick on the wall, “ said Dr. Keinelife, “but later on we made some real progress.”

Pepsi intend on dropping billions of amoeba into the Olympic stadium by air. Upon contact with the ground, the highly trained single-celled organisms will then re-arrange themselves at a microscopic level according to Pepsi’s design, such that the final arrangement would be visible on television.

“Now we just drop ‘em in there and the little fellas run into position and form the Pepsi logo or whatever we want,” said the Doctor, “it’s great to be able to get past the brand police. And the brand army.”

Lord Coe is said to have been outraged by the plans; suggesting he had done absolutely everything possible to protect his beloved sponsor-brands. Determined to keep out rogue single-cell organisms, Coe has vowed to call up thousands of micro biologists (to replace the thousands of now redundant squaddies) and anyone with a microscope to check every cell entering the Olympic park, as a last ditch effort to ensure absolute exclusivity for the Games’ sponsors.

“I will keep-out every single cell and atom if I have to, I don’t care if nobody sees the Games,” said Lord Coe dressed as Ronald McDonald, “No one fucks with my brands. Here have a Coke.”

OLYMPICS SPARK NEW MIGRATION FEARS

The arrival of teams of athletes from many third world countries for the Olympic Games in London has sparked new migration fears, one Home Office spokesman has said.

“Normally Olympic hosting nations have to plan for the possibility that athletes from poorer nations will abscond from their teams and enter their hosting country illegally,” the spokesman said, as he negligently left a pen-drive of public data on a restaurant table.

“This time the problem is a bit different, we are worried that many Londoners will be trying to abscond from their British lives and jobs, and seek a new life in Africa or Asia.”

The attraction to abscond is clear for all to see, with many Londoners no doubt being lured by the hot weather, falling unemployment and rising growth rates in African and Asian countries.

We spoke to a member of the Kenyan track team who explained that prior to their arrival in London last-week, they were briefed as to the situation in London.

“We were told to look out for Londoners trying to sneak back with us to Kenya,” said Helen Kiptanui, “We heard the roads are falling apart, the trains don’t work, everyone is corrupt – I’m not surprised people are trying to leave.”

Over-hearing the conversation, Helen’s team captain waded into the discussion, saying:

“Also, we heard if we are not careful we could get looted in a riot!” she said, with no sense of irony, “and the Police will stand fifty metres away and just watch. This is stupid because no one in the Olympics runs fifty metres… it’s like they don’t even care about the Olympics.”

G4S BOSS TO BE QUESTIONED BY MPS ABOUT OLYMPIC SECURITY…. MPS TO THEN QUESTION EACH OTHER ABOUT G4S

G4S Boss Nick Buckles faces questions from MPs about the shambolic arrangements regarding Olympic security, which left the military having to meet a short-fall of thousands of security staff with recently deployed soldiers. MPs are then set to question each other; to ascertain exactly which idiot hired these morons in the first place.

Home Secretary Teresa May was adamant that G4S would be brought to task for their failure to adequately provide security for Olympic venues around the country. She was also adamant that whoever hired them would also be brought to task, and be made to sit through every event of the Paralympics as a ‘twitter correspondent’ for the Guardian Newspaper.

“The punishment has to fit the crime,” a furious May said, “personally, I can’t think of anything worse than having to sit around watching a bunch of retards and then having to pretend to love them in a lefty way.”

Shadow Olympics minister Tessa Jowell, took a different approach to her counterpart, stressing the importance of the questions to Nick Buckles himself, rather than a subsequent Parliamentary post-mortem.

“We are more concerned with asking G4S the right questions,” Jowell said, puffing hard on a Lambert & Butler, “specifically, we wanted caucus sessions with Buckle, so we can ensure he doesn’t let anyone know that we hired them when we were in government…..you’re not recording this are you?”

Buckles faces further problems as out of the ten G4S staff hired to transport him to Westminster for questioning; all but two have called in sick. To date, there has been no request for the army to meet the shortfall in numbers.