Wednesday, 8 August 2012


Following the plunder of yet more gold-medals at the London 2012 Olympic Games by Team GB, policymakers and lobbyists alike are calling for the triumphant return of British Imperialism. The Team GB medal tally currently sits at twenty-two golds; the highest number of gold medals won by a British team since the Olympics of 1908, also held in London. This fact has not gone unnoticed, with many now declaring the unquestioned superiority of the people of these Isles. Back in 1908, Britain was a major imperial power, with its territories and protectorates covering large swathes of the planet – a stark comparison to the Britain of today. However, the tiny island nation’s remarkable success at this year’s Games has stoked the imperialist fires of people across the country - with many saying that it’s time to take the world back.

“I think we have to get out there and start building up an empire again!” said Foreign Secretary William Hague, “The Games have made it clear we British are just so marvellous, we need to expand. This time all the subject peoples are bound to know that it’s for their own good.”

Hague is not alone in holding a burgeoning imperialistic ambition. It has been reported that the Home Office and the Treasury have commissioned studies into the economic modelling required to build an empire based entirely on cycling and rowing. It is understood that these industries will be used to ‘civilise’ the locals into the British way as quickly as possible, as well as providing furtive markets for British companies.  It is also hoped that this will create a pipeline for future Olympic champions in these sports.

This time they're bringing bikes....

Reports of British Imperialist ambition have been heard in many former colonies. Indian government spokesman Vaj Payme expressed his concern at his country’s erstwhile colonial masters’ ambitions.

“This is looking pretty worrying for us, they can get a bit greedy when they are confident,” said Payme, accepting bribes with both hands as he spoke, “The thing is - we hardly won any medals, so when they come here, what can we say?”

In many former-colonial countries, significant portions of the civil service and political apparatus that operate today were indeed inherited from the British; causing civil service mandarins in this country to stress the ease at which Britain can take back its old colonies.

“In most cases we just need to find the old hand-books and manuals,” said Gus O’Connell, “Oh, and make sure that we can get hold of plenty of pink-gin once we get there.”

No comments:

Post a Comment