Tuesday, 7 August 2012


Deputy Prime Minister and Liberal Democrat Leader Nick Clegg, shocked Westminster yesterday by dramatically refuting rumours about his party’s position in the Coalition; and his own political constitution. In a press-conference today following the release of a statement where he pledged not to support changes to political boundaries - in retaliation to the Conservatives’ subterfuge on the issue of House of Lords reform - Clegg strode out onto Downing Street and proudly unfurled a set of gleaming, shaven testicles from his trousers.

“Well I couldn’t believe it,” said Daily Mirror photographer, Jeffery Chode, “I just never thought he had them. I just figured given what he’s done before, he was some sort of Eunuch.”

Times reporter, Felix Lancaster-Pratt, gave a slightly more considered response, feeling that the history of Coalition co-operation to date had definitely impacted on Clegg’s decision to finally dispel the rumours about his lack of testicular fortitude.

“After two years of political-shafting - and by some of the biggest swinging dicks in Westminster - the Lib Dem rectum was bound to cave in,” said Lancaster-Pratt, whilst ensuring the top three buttons to his Oxford-blue shirt remained unfastened. “What better way to show that you too can do some damage, than by whipping out your Henrys and sending a message to all and sundry.”  

Clegg never enjoys a shafting - political or otherwise.

When the Conservatives blocked the House of Lords reform bill earlier in July, Clegg had famously threatened that further obstruction by the Conservatives on key Liberal Democrat issues, would bring about serious consequences. However, it is understood that few across Westminster thought Clegg would match his bold words with any meaningful kind of action.

“I just thought he would not invite any of us to his birthday party,” said a bewildered George Osborne, “Oh and David has his I-Pod speakers, so I figured he would take those back too.”

No one was expecting the contents of the statement released on Monday, which for the first time acknowledged that the Liberal Democrats felt the Coalition agreement had been broken, and that they would no longer adhere to the obligation to push through political boundary changes.

Daily Mirror photographer Jeffery Chode summed up many people’s feelings on the subject:

“That’s the thing with the Lib Dems,” said Chode, “they only ever show their balls after they get fucked!”

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