Tuesday, 7 August 2012


Chairman of the British National Party and all round convivial fellow, Nick Griffin, was found dead in his home in Barnet on Saturday, following the glorious victories of British athletes on the much-celebrated ‘Super Saturday’.  The emphatic demonstration of the benefits of multiculturalism was too much for Griffin, who is said to have hung himself with a union jack scarf, in a room adorned with pictures of one-time Olympic 400m Silver medallist, Roger Black. Police also found hundreds of oil-paintings of Olympic Javelin Silver medallist, Steve Backley – several of which featured Backley in nude, semi-nude, or ‘homosexually-suggestive’ nude poses  - along with voodoo dolls of Daley Thomson and Fatima Whitbread.

Griffin’s wife was interviewed by Police and explained how the night of Griffin’s demise unfolded. She described how it had begun brightly, with news of the gold medals having been won earlier in the day in both the cycling and the rowing. Griffin was delighted with the victories; and most importantly, by the level of tan on the skin of the victors. Mrs Griffin told how her husband was so pleased by the cycling, he had moved his exercise bike in front of the television, and was riding along with the pursuit team, screaming: “Take that Diane Abbott!”

However, when events turned to the track and as Britain was plunged into a state of unprecedented delirium; Griffin’s mood began to turn sour. The highly anticipated coronation of Jessica Ennis as Olympic Champion in the Heptathlon 800m caused Griffin to fall off his bike, piling him into a heap on his living room floor. Griffin’s wife told Police how he screamed in anger: “I don’ think she’s attractive at all! I’ve only got an erection because I was sitting on that bike.”

Griffin discovers that the 'Mo' in Mo Farah is not short for Morris...
Griffin is said to have stormed off into another room in a complete rage. However a short while later, Greg Rutherford’s wonderfully unexpected success in the long-jump caused Griffin to re-emerge from his isolation. Sadly, Griffin’s resurgent mood was short-lived.

“All of a sudden I heard a yelp from the living room,” said Mrs Griffin, “I went into the living-room and saw that Mo Farah had won the 10,000m. Nick wasn't taking it too well.”

She then left him alone, hoping his seemingly insatiable rage would quell, but later returned to find the living-room empty - with Griffin having relocated to his ‘Special room’ and committed suicide.

The Griffin residence has been inundated with well wishes - with BNP party members kindly offering to plunder the rewards of debasing their former leader publicly for money; and neighbours and local residents showing their support by leaving piles of steaming faeces on the Griffins' front garden.   

1 comment:

  1. Barnet? And all this time I was thinking he lived in the bell tower at Notre Dame!