TEAM GB GOLD HAUL BRINGS CALLS FOR THE RETURN OF BRITISH IMPERIALISM

Following the plunder of yet more gold-medals at the London 2012 Olympic Games by Team GB, policymakers and lobbyists alike are calling for the triumphant return of British Imperialism. The Team GB medal tally currently sits at twenty-two golds; the highest number of gold medals won by a British team since the Olympics of 1908, also held in London. This fact has not gone unnoticed, with many now declaring the unquestioned superiority of the people of these Isles. Back in 1908, Britain was a major imperial power, with its territories and protectorates covering large swathes of the planet – a stark comparison to the Britain of today. However, the tiny island nation’s remarkable success at this year’s Games has stoked the imperialist fires of people across the country - with many saying that it’s time to take the world back.

“I think we have to get out there and start building up an empire again!” said Foreign Secretary William Hague, “The Games have made it clear we British are just so marvellous, we need to expand. This time all the subject peoples are bound to know that it’s for their own good.”

Hague is not alone in holding a burgeoning imperialistic ambition. It has been reported that the Home Office and the Treasury have commissioned studies into the economic modelling required to build an empire based entirely on cycling and rowing. It is understood that these industries will be used to ‘civilise’ the locals into the British way as quickly as possible, as well as providing furtive markets for British companies.  It is also hoped that this will create a pipeline for future Olympic champions in these sports.

This time they're bringing bikes....

Reports of British Imperialist ambition have been heard in many former colonies. Indian government spokesman Vaj Payme expressed his concern at his country’s erstwhile colonial masters’ ambitions.

“This is looking pretty worrying for us, they can get a bit greedy when they are confident,” said Payme, accepting bribes with both hands as he spoke, “The thing is - we hardly won any medals, so when they come here, what can we say?”

In many former-colonial countries, significant portions of the civil service and political apparatus that operate today were indeed inherited from the British; causing civil service mandarins in this country to stress the ease at which Britain can take back its old colonies.

“In most cases we just need to find the old hand-books and manuals,” said Gus O’Connell, “Oh, and make sure that we can get hold of plenty of pink-gin once we get there.”

ED MILIBAND STRUGGLING TO HIDE THE FACT THAT HE IS SECRETLY LOVING LIB-DEM MISERY

Miliband watches as Clegg gives Cameron the finger.

Labour Leader and cartoon-character lookalike, Ed Miliband, has been struggling to hide his glee at the recent emergence of a rift in the Coalition government. It is understood that he is particularly pleased with the misery currently being endured by the Liberal Democrats, who have been forced to re-consider their coalition obligations in light of recent Tory stonewalling of key Lib Dem policies. Miliband has, on three instances in the last two days, been caught sniggering to himself at Public occasions, for seemingly no ostensible reason. The latest incident was at a meeting with newly-elected French President, Francois Hollande; which as well as delivering a stinging faux-pas caused much embarrassment to the Labour party establishment.

Being the first senior European-politician to officially visit President Hollande, Miliband’s arrival was much anticipated and he met the Premier and his entourage amidst a hail of camera clicks and flashes. As he approached the President to meet his outstretched hand with his own, Miliband suddenly burst into a series of low chortles, punctuated with the occasional grunt, all of which clearly stunned Mr Hollande. Moments before shaking President Hollande’s hand, Miliband attempted to stifle his laughter using his own hand, before using the same – now damp - limb to greet the President. The French President calmly overlooked the faux pas, but is understood to be furious.

“This funny looking man,” said a Foreign Ministry spokeswoman, “Laugh at our President? We should laugh at him with his cartoon face.”

Miliband was unavailable for comment following his meeting with the French President, citing a dangerous build-up of saliva in his mouth as his reason. He released a statement claiming he had not laughed and it was merely the delight of meeting the French President that had caused him to react in such a brazen way. Knowing that such a delight was a thing of fiction, Labour insiders have speculated that it was thinking about Lib-Dem suffering that had made him laugh at such an untimely moment.

“Apparently he had just sent a text to Nick Clegg,” said the insider, “He was teasing him about Lords Reform.”

It was later discovered – and following the hiring of three recently bailed phone thieves - that Miliband had in fact sent a text message to Clegg, and Lords reform was indeed the topic:

Never mind about the Lords :-) You can still get some reform with the Tories, maybe they will all be hereditary one day!! :-))) lolz say hi to Miriam, E xxx   

Labour spin doctors are keen to play down the incident, but are secretly training Miliband in ‘Advanced Laughter Stifling’ and also in ‘Chortle Management’ – both of which are courses run by a company set-up by Peter Mandelson – in order to minimise the possibility of further embarrassment in the coming weeks.

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CLEGG SHOCKS WESTMINSTER BY EVIDENCING OWNERSHIP OF A PAIR OF TESTICLES

Deputy Prime Minister and Liberal Democrat Leader Nick Clegg, shocked Westminster yesterday by dramatically refuting rumours about his party’s position in the Coalition; and his own political constitution. In a press-conference today following the release of a statement where he pledged not to support changes to political boundaries - in retaliation to the Conservatives’ subterfuge on the issue of House of Lords reform - Clegg strode out onto Downing Street and proudly unfurled a set of gleaming, shaven testicles from his trousers.

“Well I couldn’t believe it,” said Daily Mirror photographer, Jeffery Chode, “I just never thought he had them. I just figured given what he’s done before, he was some sort of Eunuch.”

Times reporter, Felix Lancaster-Pratt, gave a slightly more considered response, feeling that the history of Coalition co-operation to date had definitely impacted on Clegg’s decision to finally dispel the rumours about his lack of testicular fortitude.

“After two years of political-shafting - and by some of the biggest swinging dicks in Westminster - the Lib Dem rectum was bound to cave in,” said Lancaster-Pratt, whilst ensuring the top three buttons to his Oxford-blue shirt remained unfastened. “What better way to show that you too can do some damage, than by whipping out your Henrys and sending a message to all and sundry.”  

Clegg never enjoys a shafting - political or otherwise.

When the Conservatives blocked the House of Lords reform bill earlier in July, Clegg had famously threatened that further obstruction by the Conservatives on key Liberal Democrat issues, would bring about serious consequences. However, it is understood that few across Westminster thought Clegg would match his bold words with any meaningful kind of action.

“I just thought he would not invite any of us to his birthday party,” said a bewildered George Osborne, “Oh and David has his I-Pod speakers, so I figured he would take those back too.”

No one was expecting the contents of the statement released on Monday, which for the first time acknowledged that the Liberal Democrats felt the Coalition agreement had been broken, and that they would no longer adhere to the obligation to push through political boundary changes.

Daily Mirror photographer Jeffery Chode summed up many people’s feelings on the subject:

“That’s the thing with the Lib Dems,” said Chode, “they only ever show their balls after they get fucked!”

NICK GRIFFIN FOUND DEAD IN HIS HOME AFTER BRITISH ATHLETES TRIUMPH ON ‘SUPER SATURDAY’

Chairman of the British National Party and all round convivial fellow, Nick Griffin, was found dead in his home in Barnet on Saturday, following the glorious victories of British athletes on the much-celebrated ‘Super Saturday’.  The emphatic demonstration of the benefits of multiculturalism was too much for Griffin, who is said to have hung himself with a union jack scarf, in a room adorned with pictures of one-time Olympic 400m Silver medallist, Roger Black. Police also found hundreds of oil-paintings of Olympic Javelin Silver medallist, Steve Backley – several of which featured Backley in nude, semi-nude, or ‘homosexually-suggestive’ nude poses  - along with voodoo dolls of Daley Thomson and Fatima Whitbread.

Griffin’s wife was interviewed by Police and explained how the night of Griffin’s demise unfolded. She described how it had begun brightly, with news of the gold medals having been won earlier in the day in both the cycling and the rowing. Griffin was delighted with the victories; and most importantly, by the level of tan on the skin of the victors. Mrs Griffin told how her husband was so pleased by the cycling, he had moved his exercise bike in front of the television, and was riding along with the pursuit team, screaming: “Take that Diane Abbott!”

However, when events turned to the track and as Britain was plunged into a state of unprecedented delirium; Griffin’s mood began to turn sour. The highly anticipated coronation of Jessica Ennis as Olympic Champion in the Heptathlon 800m caused Griffin to fall off his bike, piling him into a heap on his living room floor. Griffin’s wife told Police how he screamed in anger: “I don’ think she’s attractive at all! I’ve only got an erection because I was sitting on that bike.”

Griffin discovers that the 'Mo' in Mo Farah is not short for Morris...

Griffin is said to have stormed off into another room in a complete rage. However a short while later, Greg Rutherford’s wonderfully unexpected success in the long-jump caused Griffin to re-emerge from his isolation. Sadly, Griffin’s resurgent mood was short-lived.

“All of a sudden I heard a yelp from the living room,” said Mrs Griffin, “I went into the living-room and saw that Mo Farah had won the 10,000m. Nick wasn't taking it too well.”

She then left him alone, hoping his seemingly insatiable rage would quell, but later returned to find the living-room empty - with Griffin having relocated to his ‘Special room’ and committed suicide.

The Griffin residence has been inundated with well wishes - with BNP party members kindly offering to plunder the rewards of debasing their former leader publicly for money; and neighbours and local residents showing their support by leaving piles of steaming faeces on the Griffins' front garden.   

OLYMPIC NEWS IN BRIEF:

Jessica Ennis crowned World’s biggest home-wrecker - 2.3 million infatuated men and women leave their wives and husbands on Sunday morning.

Public Sector workers furious at the use of volunteers at London 2012 – the sight of thousands of people working happily for the benefit of the people and expecting nothing in return is said to be indirectly defamatory.

World Records tumble at the Greenwich Arena – the record for the largest number of paedophiles in a room is broken five times during the Women’s gymnastics.

Public-sector enemy number one.....