ALL PLANES TO HAVE ‘AT LEAST ONE OTHER PLANE WITH THEM’ AT ALL TIMES

With the whereabouts of the Malaysian Airlines flight MH370 yet to be determined, the International Aviation Authority has announced proposals to require all commercial airliners to fly with at least one buddy airliner in order to avoid this ever happening again. All commercial airliners will also be required to have a nominated Mummy plane, whom the airliner is to report to regularly, before, during and after long flights.

“We have all this advanced technology available to us and nothing!” said a frustrated Malaysian investigator, “Satellite pictures, nothing! GPS, nothing! Radar, nothing! I bet if the plane was made of f**king oil they would’ve found it by now…The buddy plane system is our only option.”

Many aviation experts have expressed some surprise that this current disappearing is one of so few occurrences. Amateur flight-tracker and one time terrorist-suspect, Amar O’Mara, said that given the fact that most commercial airliners go off so far on their own all the time, it’s a surprise more don’t get lost: “It’s just bound to happen really, you keep going off like that,” said O’Mara over his CB radio.

The International Aviation Authority plans to package this requirement with a raft of other proposals, including requiring planes to always have their phones on, to never talk to strangers and to always wear something warm at night, even in the summer when it’s still a bit balmy.

Exactly how friendly 'Buddy Planes' want to get, is entirely up to them.

SARAH PALIN PLEDGES ALASKAN INVASION OF RUSSIA IF PUTIN GOES TOO FAR

Former vice-presidential candidate and now increasingly bewildered Alaskan rant-lover, Sarah Palin, has vowed to invade Russia across the Baring Straits bordering Alaska, should Vladimir Putin extend his military designs beyond the Crimea. Palin, issuing a statement hours after her breast enhancement surgery – where her breasts were implanted with high calibre rifles – promised to unleash the full force of a state apparatus she has absolutely no control over.

“Gee, we’ll send our huskies, and we’ll hit’em square on the nose with our hockey pucks!” said Palin, astride the corpse of a freshly slain moose, “Golly, our first battalion hockey-mom brigade sure ain’t scared of nukes! They have no idea what they are!”

Palin’s typically hermitic ramblings have aroused no attention at all from people with actual work to do, but Tea Party activists and far-right bloggers have been in raptures at her latest outburst.

“This is exactly why we like her, she don’t take sh*t from no one!” commented on blogger, Tazer Pepperspray, “Who cares if Putin obliterates her, it’s better than sitting and doing nothing… like bunch of lazy…”

The newly formed Moms Against Putin, or MAP for short, is a coalition of concerned American mothers, all of whom share a deep-seated fear of Vladimir Putin. Palin has proved to be nothing short of messianic for MAP’s members:

“In every generation, there is a chosen one. A person who will stand up, fight against oppression and tyranny, speak for ordinary people, and kick the a** of that turd Putin!” said MAP founder and lifelong Putinphobe, Beverley Sisters, “What the esteemed Ms Palin said today confirmed that for Mothers Against Putin, she is the chosen one.”

Though Moscow has remained silent over the Palin's valium-and-insanity fueled ramblings, some insiders have suggested Putin was pleasantly surprised. It has been rumoured that Putin has emailed pictures of himself to Sarah Palin, where in typically shirtless fashion, the Russian premier is seen standing over the corpse of a moose, holding a still-smoking rifle and smoking a cigar. Whether or not Ms Palin has replied is currently unknown. 

Sarah Palin, moments before the man in front of her is killed by way of manslaughter.