PHIL ‘THE POWER’ TAYLOR: “DOPING WAS MY LIFE.”

In a shock confession – very much in the manner of recently-disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong – the secret to Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor’s dominance over the world of darts for the last ten years was revealed to a stunned television audience. Whereas Armstrong took to Oprah Winfrey’s TV channel to make his confession, The Power disinterred his own dirty-deed in front of a captivated studio audience at The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Many have often wondered how Taylor has managed to remain in the optimum physical condition to play darts for such a long time:

“Everyone knows that The Power’s body is like a temple,” said Darts reporter, Tubbs Everley. “The Power has been in perfect condition for ages now and we always wondered how he managed to do it – well now we know.”

Taylor admitted to a participating in a systematic campaign of doping that lasted for over ten years. It began with small pills to increase his appetite being slipped into his pork scratchings; but it progressed to him eating whole turkeys basted in a steroid-enriched lard and drinking entire barrels of ale laced with performance-enhancing amphetamines. It reached a point where nearly all of Taylor’s food was fortified with some kind of banned substance, and as Taylor was normally eating for eighteen hours a day, The Power himself admits: “Doping was my life.”

The Power’s revelation has shaken the world of darts to its very core; with fights breaking out in the audience of The Jeremy Kyle Show as fans struggled to cope with their emotions. A single-mother from Walthamstow and a pensioner from Halifax were arrested following the fracas.

“The Power was my hero,” said an unnamed fan, consoling himself with twelve pints of lager and four meat pies, “I just don’t know how I am going to deal with this. If I don’t find myself a small guy to punch soon my dog is really gonna get it.”

Some bodies are just too good to be true.

I.O.S. UPDATE FROM APPLE INADVERTENTLY CAUSES I-PHONES TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST

In another technological blunder from the ground-breaking but mildly-annoying tech-giant Apple, software updates issued for the I-Phone are inadvertently causing units to spontaneously explode; threatening to sever limbs, inflict burns and irreparably damage high-scores on Angry Birds. Four men were severely injured following a series of occurrences Wigan, where immediately following the download of an update onto an I-Phone, the unit spontaneously exploded.

“I didn’t even know why I needed the update,” said Perry Tratchett (one of the victims from Wigan), “and it took such a long time to download. When it eventually did, the bloody thing blew-up and took my finger off.”

It isn’t the first time that the mind-bogglingly useless and seemingly always to-be-downloaded updates have caused headaches for the California headquartered-company. Last year an update to the I-Phone’s IOS 5 software system, caused phones in Germany to permanently display an image of Cornish comedian 'Jethro' as the system wallpaper. The revised update that was hastily issued to remedy the public-relations catastrophe contained only a temporary fix; whereby Jethro’s face was replaced with a photograph taken from the 'Joy of Sex' manuals of the 1970s. This was warmly received in Germany, as was Jethro, who toured the country following a sudden burst in popularity.

Later on in 2012 an IOS update containing the new Apple maps function was laden with critical errors, resulting in several users of the map being lead dangerously astray. In November, an I-Phone user from Bromley was using Apple maps to find his local Argos, but a false reading of his GPS caused him to be mistakenly guided to Guantanamo Bay – where he was routinely water-boarded and subjected to sleep-deprivation; before being blindfolded, flown back to the UK, and released without charge.

Graham abandons Apple maps, realising he should've seen Big Ben by now.

It is rumoured that Apple are now looking at the entire practice of issuing updates, with many insiders believing the very principle of updates is contrary to everything Apple stands for.

“Apple is about churning out new technology all the time – and making sure that the consumer pays through their ass for it,” said an unnamed Apple employee from his bean-bag chair, “Free downloads that fuck stuff up have got to go!”