PHIL ‘THE POWER’ TAYLOR: “DOPING WAS MY LIFE.”

In a shock confession – very much in the manner of recently-disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong – the secret to Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor’s dominance over the world of darts for the last ten years was revealed to a stunned television audience. Whereas Armstrong took to Oprah Winfrey’s TV channel to make his confession, The Power disinterred his own dirty-deed in front of a captivated studio audience at The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Many have often wondered how Taylor has managed to remain in the optimum physical condition to play darts for such a long time:

“Everyone knows that The Power’s body is like a temple,” said Darts reporter, Tubbs Everley. “The Power has been in perfect condition for ages now and we always wondered how he managed to do it – well now we know.”

Taylor admitted to a participating in a systematic campaign of doping that lasted for over ten years. It began with small pills to increase his appetite being slipped into his pork scratchings; but it progressed to him eating whole turkeys basted in a steroid-enriched lard and drinking entire barrels of ale laced with performance-enhancing amphetamines. It reached a point where nearly all of Taylor’s food was fortified with some kind of banned substance, and as Taylor was normally eating for eighteen hours a day, The Power himself admits: “Doping was my life.”

The Power’s revelation has shaken the world of darts to its very core; with fights breaking out in the audience of The Jeremy Kyle Show as fans struggled to cope with their emotions. A single-mother from Walthamstow and a pensioner from Halifax were arrested following the fracas.

“The Power was my hero,” said an unnamed fan, consoling himself with twelve pints of lager and four meat pies, “I just don’t know how I am going to deal with this. If I don’t find myself a small guy to punch soon my dog is really gonna get it.”

Some bodies are just too good to be true.