IT’S OFFICIAL: FARAGE BLAMES EVERYTHING ON IMMIGRATION

Nigel Farage surprised even the most cynical of observers this week when he blamed his inability to arrive in Wales on time on – what he believed to be – immigrant-fuelled traffic on the M4. Rather than giving any credence to his opinion, most people took the pronouncement as confirmation that Farage really does blame EVERYTHING on immigration. ZEITlies takes a look at a few other things ol’ Nige is likely to blame on those blasted migrants from overseas…

1.       Climate change

Warmer winters, boiling summers – most of us put this down to the effect of growing levels of CO2 in the atmosphere. Not Nigel though, who sees the rising temperature in the UK as further evidence of immigrants looking to impose ‘their ways’ on the British public.

2.       Failing British schools

Immigrants up to no good again, says Nigey. They come over here with their goddamn aspirations and hard work, and now they are making our kids look like duffers!

3.       His own inability to perform sexually

It has nothing to do with his long-standing erectile dysfunction, his reptilian jowl, or the liver spot on his chest shaped like a camel. Farage blames his inability to make a woman orgasm on Labour and now the coalitions’ bleedin’ open-door immigration policy.

4.       The quality of his dinner last night

It was dry, tasteless, mass-produced rubbish! After all, it was cooked by his wife – and she’s a bloody immigrant!

Farage muses over who to blame.

SOUTH AFRICA BECOMES THE DESTINATION OF CHOICE FOR MEN WISHING TO KILL THEIR PARTNERS

First it was the shocking leniency of the sentence handed down to Oscar Pistorius for shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp; now it is the mind-blowing acquittal of Shrien Dewani for killing his wife Anni - South Africa has firmly established itself as THE destination of choice for men wishing to murder their partners.

With high rates of crime, chasm-like disparities in income, a well-entrenched societal and judicial racism – South Africa has seemingly all the ingredients an alibi-seeking wife or girlfriend killer would want. One Johannesburg travel agent is looking to take advantage of his country’s new-found status:

“We’re offering tours to the country for men in relationships they need to extricate themselves from, owing to severe personality disorders or closet homosexuality,” said Jacques de Meuve-Leuver, “We will book hotels, flights and arrange for tours into the more dangerous townships in the middle of the night. We have a safari option too as an add-on.”

Mr de Meuve-Leuver claims to have received enquiries from several interested men residing overseas, but was unable to disclose their names without an adequate bribe. Following payment of the bribe, ZEITlies learned that amongst others, de Meuve-Leuver had received enquiries from Kanye West, David Beckham and the Duke of Edinburgh. 

Paradise... for murderer-loving men.