Thursday, 27 September 2012


The leaking of a set of pictures featuring a brazenly-topless Kate Middleton sporting a turban and beard in the manner of the Prophet Mohammed, has presented a momentous dilemma for tabloid news editors across the world. The editor of French toilet-rag mag, Closer, is reported to have shot himself after being unable to handle the intensity of the quandary.

The pictures - taken at a party organised by Prince Harry - are said to have been leaked to a number of tabloid titles across Europe. Presently, sitting on the desks of several editors, none are yet to be published; with editors struggling to deduce whether the inevitable bloodshed - that would result from a pandemic of outrage across the Islamic world – would be a suitable price to pay for the unprecedented glory amongst perverts and fools that printing the pictures would bring. 

“It’s a fucking toughie!” said an anonymous tabloid editor, as he gleefully flicked through pictures of naked and orphaned refugees, “I mean those have got to be the most tawdry, worthless, insulting set of pictures in history, I would fucking love to print them! Tits and Islam, beautiful. But, we have to be careful these days...”

Muslim activists across the world are already stockpiling protest banner-making materials and practising Arabic chants (meaningless to non-Arabic speaking infidels), all in preparation for they predict will be a never-before-seen wave of offensiveness from the Western world.

“None of us have seen the pictures yet and we don’t intend to, but boy-oh-boy, are we pissed off!” said East London Mosque spokesman, Mohammed Mohammed. “Anyone who prints the pictures, looks at the pictures, thinks about the pictures, or thinks about anything, will feel the force of the almighty Allah!”

Kate Middleton is yet again devastated at the news that another set of damning pictures are once more circulating among the various paid-perverts in the employ of tabloids across the world. Many however are less sympathetic this time around; with critics denouncing her irresponsibility in dressing in such a manner in public, and also for accepting an invitation to an event organised by Prince Harry.

Muslim activist practises looking offended.


·         Secret film of Romney punching a child is released on left-wing website – Romney is said to have decided that the child ‘was never going to vote for me’ and so dispatched him from the scene with a swift jab to the face. It is believed that the release of this video will make little difference to his rating in the polls, as after the previous videoed gaffe that wrote-off half the American public, it is hard for anything to be worse.

·         Clinton hits on Michelle Obama at the Democratic National Convention – His statement in his nomination speech that he wanted to vote for someone who ‘had the good sense to marry Michelle Obama’ is considered to be the most witnessed attempt at marital infidelity since Marilyn Monroe courted JFK on his birthday. Hilary Clinton is reported to be disappointed by the lack of retaliatory advances coming her way from Barack Obama.

He's at it again...


Nick Clegg signaled he is at the forefront of a new effort to target wealthy pensioners with assets of in excess of 1 million pounds, by proposing a package of taxes and benefit withdrawals for the leather-skinned, cravat and cardigan wearing classes. Attendees at the Liberal Democrat Annual Conference - where Clegg made his announcement - were said to be divided over what is presently a mixed bag of proposals.

Though most agreed that millionaire pensioners could probably forego some of the state-benefits they are presently entitled to, many were less receptive to the idea of a set of targeted sales taxes. It was announced that a new tax would be introduced on Mediterranean Cruises, with on-board games of Shuffle-board becoming eligible for VAT. The Cruise-Tax is but one of a list of fiscal measures that are being proposed to tackle an ever widening gap in the balance of payments. The proposals have been met by a dreary, listless ripple of often incomprehensible-indignation from wealthy pensioners across the country.

“It’s that contemptuous little Westminster boy again isn’t it?” said Basil Farrah-Chumley, spokesman for elderly interest group, Grey Rage. “I mean I get so angry! Bloody rascal, rambunctious little so and so, I should sit down. Excitement is terribly debilitating at this age…”

The Cruise-Tax isn’t the only fiscal measure that is causing controversy. The proposed taxes on burgundy leather, tortoise-shell canes, Cashmere wool and Panama hats are all considered to be ill-disguised attempts at plundering the wealthy and elderly.

 “Things are so arduous these days. I remember in the days of Empire…” said Basil as he mumbled indecipherably whilst stroking an antique globe, “Nowadays I can barely buy a servant to shoot every month. It’s the bloody modern age.”  

Sorry ma'am, you have to pay.