Wednesday, 16 April 2014


With one in five English parents now unable to secure their first-choice primary school for their child, many are readying their little-ones for a fight to the death to secure the best school spots. Keen to avoid a bloodbath, the Department for Education has announced that the fairest way to deal with the ever-shrinking number of primary school places is for each one to be decided by a TV talent contest, with members of the public phoning-in to vote for the child they believe deserves the place the most.

“We will have a panel of judges that pick five kids to go to a public vote at the end of each episode,” said TV producer, Noel Limittocrass, “The kid that wins the public vote gets a primary school place! We already have ten education boards signed up!”

Simon Cowell will inevitably head the panel of judges, though he was unavailable to confirm his participation owing to his attendance at the twelfth-annual International Man of Sex Awards, hosted in the master-bedroom of his London house.

The internet is already rife with speculation as to who the remaining judges will be and what sort of material will be most well received.

“I heard it’s gonna be one of them Strictly judges,” said a concerned parent, Andy Wosgon, “I’ll probably just get the boy doing a bit of fox-trot, increase his chances.”

The government has predictably denied suggestions that investing more money into education would go some way to alleviating the problem, stating that the idea that newly built primary schools would somehow increase the number of school places was “complete pie-in-the-sky tosh”.

Some kids will find it easier than others.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014


Despite having the popularity of a Mormon at a rave, Michael Gove has made an astonishing political turnaround by proposing a policy that has quickly won support from all sides of the house. After his plans to root-out an ‘Islamic plot’ in Britain’s schools attracted the usual face-in-hand reactions coupled with the inevitable questions surrounding his mental health, Gove hit back with a policy that has everyone behind him: a ban on leopard print in the workplace.

“Research has shown that productivity rates fall by up to forty percent when an employee is seen to be wearing leopard print,” Gove’s aide, Neil Downanhush, said to reporters, “Nearby workers become pre-occupied with talking about Scary Spice from the Spice Girls or with retching into available receptacles. In a global economy where productivity matters, Britain simply can’t afford these distractions”

The cabinet has denied reports that the plans are a thinly disguised attempt at violating the rights of overweight people, refuting claims that a secret report – titled ‘Fatties Love Leopard’ - discovered a unfortunately positive correlation between body-mass index scores and ‘the propensity to wear leopard print’. 

No, no and no. Unfortunately for the lads in reprographics, they're all banned.