Tuesday, 26 February 2013


The Chancellor of the Exchequer has made an extraordinary plea to Welsh wing-playing wizard, Gareth Bale, in the wake of credit agency Stroppy & Co.’s downgrading of the nation’s AAA credit rating to AAA- ; and the accompanying titular insult of its downgrading of ‘Great Britain’ to ‘Britain’. George Osborne has declared that despite grimly-morbid external assessments of the country’s economic health, he’s putting his money on the Tottenham ace to ‘Bale’ the country out of trouble.

“He has done it for Tottenham on countless occasions this season and there is no reason why he can’t do it for Britain!” the Chancellor said, in a statement made to press at the International House of Arseholery, “Come on Gareth! We need you to Bale us out!”

The twenty-three year old midfielder is said to be none-too-pleased with the sudden demands for him to rid a nation of sixty million people of its macro-economic ills. With the crucially-important North London derby against Arsenal this weekend to prepare for, Bale understandably has other concerns on his mind.

“I’m already taking a whole team to the fucking Champions League,” said Bale, casually chipping a football into a rubbish bin from eighty metres, “I can’t sort out a whole country’s economy as well! Why don’t they ask Mo Farah or someone?”

As news of Britain’s credit downgrade hit the markets, the value of Sterling fell, causing British asset-values to take a substantial hit. But conversely, following stellar performances in Europe and the Premier League, Bale’s value in the last few weeks has sky-rocketed. City analysts are forecasting that at current rates of currency depreciation and scoring-Bale-appreciation, the Spurs favourite could soon be one of the most-valued productive assets in the British economy.  

That's good, but it doesn't create jobs.

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