Tuesday, 4 February 2014


In another attempt to pillage the nation’s most downtrodden and vulnerable, the Coalition government has announced plans to supplement the ‘Bedroom Tax’ (a penalty imposed on benefits claimants with ‘spare bedrooms’) with a new ‘Oxygen Tax’, for all ‘spare’ cubic metres of oxygen in a benefit claimant’s property that are not being used at any one time.

A Home Office spokesman said the moves were a fundamental part of the drive to reform the welfare sector:
“We want to send the message that work pays,” the spokesman said whilst cantering an Arabian thoroughbred, “If you work, you can lap-up all the oxygen you want. You can breathe it in for fun! But, if you’re going to be fat, lazy and ugly, then you should be prepared to pay more for your right to respire.”

The government plan to remove 5 pounds from a claimant’s Universal Credit for each ‘spare’ cubic metre of oxygen present in the home. A UN spokesman has voiced concern that the policy stands to breach the benefits claimants’ right to life under the Universal Declaration on Human Rights.

“The policy is a little too far-reaching for our liking,” said the bemused spokesman, “The fact that the average benefits claimant is set to lose 98% of their entitlement is a problem. The fact that the policy will affect some 99.9% of claimants is a further concern.”

As with the Bedroom Tax, rather than whipping claimants into shape and yanking them up by their trainer laces, the Oxygen Tax is instead prompting aggrieved and out-of-pocket welfare claimants to resort to extreme measures.

“When they started taxing our spare bedroom we thought, f**k that, we’ll use it to grow weed,” said Mr P Taker, “Now we they’re taxing our spare oxygen, we’re gonna bottle up what we have and flog it on the black market. The Chinese are buying it up by the shit-load so we can cash in!”

When it comes to saving oxygen, every little helps.

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