ZEITlies UK News Round-Up

Talk Talk hacking problem “smaller than first thought” as no one actually uses Talk Talk – The communications company was delighted to announce that the size of the hacking problem had affected less customers than initially thought, after investigations revealed hardly anyone uses shitty Talk Talk anyway. Company insiders also confirmed that the details of the customers who do still use Talk Talk, are likely to be dirty and undesirable in any event.

George Osborne demands that the nation’s cleaners contribute more to GDP – Looking to defend his widely criticised move to remove tax credits for the lowest earners in the country, Osborne has said he believes that such a move can improve the nation's productivity. Responding to comments that his cuts mostly affect cleaners and street sweepers, Osborne was quick to point out that if the lazy bastards just “cleaned harder and faster, the nation’s debt would be gone in no time”.

Germaine Greer completes journey from revolutionary to “Instrument of the Man” – After her bewilderingly transphobic comments this week in the run up to a university lecture tour she is undertaking, Greer’s actions have confirmed that like everyone with any idealism as a young person, she too has finally become “The Man”. Few thought that a revolutionary feminist could ever represent an establishment viewpoint, but when Greer snorted that transgender people could never be women, her journey to Man-hood was complete.

British Olympic Committee face bakery based bribery allegations – With a nation perennially in the grip of baking fever, the British Olympic Committee is facing allegations that it attempted to bribe the IOC to include baking as an Olympic sport at the next Winter Games. An IOC statement says several delegates received packages from the British committee that included envelopes of money, and perfectly cooked apple turnovers and Victoria sandwiches with Marry Berry’s signature buttercream filling.

Whatevs. You're totes 'The Man' now.