WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Spanish hospital quarantines Ebola patients in nearby nursery school – With several disgruntled health workers in Madrid tweeting photos of a Madrid hospital’s cell-shatteringly sorry efforts at keeping an Ebola patient in quarantine, it became apparent that Spanish authorities were banking on Ebola germs to be about as easy to spot as a five-stone Labrador. Further surprising miscalculations have included sending quarantined patients to ‘chill’ at a local nursery school, and asking health workers to shower with their patients in order to ‘create solidarity’.

Obama finds the image of himself in an old picture in the attic has gradually turned into George W. Bush – As his first botched attempt at a military incursion into the familiar stomping ground of misguided US Presidents falters in the face of stern resistance, Obama realises that ISIL is quickly becoming another Iraq – in Iraq… and Syria as well this time. As the president’s worst fears slowly come to fruition it is reported he was further smashed by a blow of Oscar Wildean proportions, when he discovered that an old portrait of himself long stored away in his attic, had slowly changed into a 

portrait of George W. Bush (wearing a cowboy hat and casually grasping his phallus).  

Narendra Modi to star in the latest digital remake of Star Wars – Following his bewildering deployment of Star Wars lexicon in front of thousands of delirious Indian Americans at a glitzy event in the US, Narendra Modi has been offered write-in role in George Lucas’s latest digital remake of Star Wars. It is reported that Modi will play a benevolent leader from a far-away planet of merchants and IT workers, and will appear reasonable, wise and beneficent, but with a slightly questionable attitude towards Muslims.

"Politics shouldn't influence the judiciary" said the cow.

Friesian cow turns down job of Attorney General in Wisconsin – A Friesian cow has turned down the job of Attorney General in Wisconsin, citing the growing incursions of political influence to be her main reason for stepping back. The cow further added that she wished the new Attorney General the best of luck but re-iterated that she was not seeking to take office, now or in the future. The cow explained that she would spend the foreseeable future grazing in a field and swatting flies with her tail, and beyond that, possibly a family law practice.