ART GARFUNKEL BELIEVES PAUL SIMON IS BEHIND THE GLOBAL EBOLA OUTBREAK

Legendary musician and one time partner in seminally important folk-duo of the sixties and seventies, Art Garfunkel, has spoken out on the issue of the Ebola virus, which is now spreading its way out of Africa and across the world like a marauding malevolence, seemingly unstoppable to the forces of good, rather like UKIP. Garfunkel believes that when applying the principal of Occam’s razor to the situation, given the virus' genesis in Africa and onward transmission to the West, it is most likely that Paul Simon is the man responsible.

“Everyone knows he goes to Africa all the time, exploiting those groovy people, it’s so sad, yeah so saaad, so sad I know, so sad I know….” said and then sang the sixties-warbler, “And then we know he travels a lot generally, I mean hello? It’s obviously him that’s spreading the damn thing.”

Paul Simon immediately responded to the accusations, calling them “fallacious and incredible” and adding that Garkfunkel was “little more than a raven-haired fantasist with peanut balls and a mushroom for a dick.”

As a precautionary measure, the US Government has quarantined Simon and his immediate friends and family, having already put down the oldest, fattest and most ‘dispensable’ members. Simon’s lawyers appealed the decision to quarantine Mr Simon and his family, but in an unfortunate verdict, the lawyers were also been sent into quarantine as a precautionary measure, leaving Simon in a dire situation.

Garfunkel: "Sometimes I swear you could smell the Ebola on him..."