Monday, 27 January 2014


One Direction have been forced to cancel their upcoming tour of North Korea, following news that Dennis Rodman is to be investigated for breaking sanctions during his visit to Pyongyang. The North Korean Premier, Kim Jong-Un, is said to be heartbroken, having “waited ages” for the tour, and even getting a tattoo of teenage heartthrob, Harry Styles, on his right pectoral. However, the potential for punitive measures being taken against Rodman has put-off other prospective visitors, including pre-pubescent girl-bate super-group, One Direction.

The company managing One Direction’s tours, X-ploitatainment Productions, are equally disappointed, making the decision reluctantly after hours of pained deliberation. A spokesman for the company explained how they had prepared assiduously for the tour, visiting Pyongyang frequently to prepare venues, transporting enriched uranium to carry favours, and even educating the boy-band members in the basics of communist philosophy. The entire band were suitably brain-washed within fifteen minutes, but the process has been a little tough to reverse.

“Oh I totally get it now,” said Styles in a recent press-conference, “We can’t do this because of the international capital system and the dialectical materialistication. And decadence. And… yeah, that is all.” 

But whilst disappointment reigned, the spokesman for X-ploitatainment tried to put a positive spin on the situation.

“We haven’t given up on North Korea yet,” said the spokesman, “We plan to appeal to the UN as we hear Ban-Ki Moon is a massive fan, particularly of Louis and Zayn. We’ll probably throw together a little presentation for him, maybe get the boys to sing ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ whilst playing with their hair straighteners, you know, something awesome.”

Kim Jong-Un hears of One Direction's tour cancellation.

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