Thursday, 16 January 2014


Mayor of London Boris Johnson has had to turn to his erstwhile Labour rival in Transport for London’s latest attempt to rid the capital’s tube stations of nefarious undesirables. The former Labour Mayor’s voice is to be played at all tube stations in ‘high risk’ areas, with the hope that Ken’s intolerably smug drawl will be too much for London’s drug dealers to take.

“No one can clear a room like Ken can,” said Mayor of London Boris Johnson, clad in a zebra-print onesie, “He can clear a room quicker than Dave Cameron did at that UKIP party I was at last week. No wait a minute, don’t tell anyone that…”

Transport for London hope that the latest initiative will improve hitherto flagging efforts.

“In the past we played classical music because we knew they hated that,” said TFL Spokesman Johnny Comelately, “But more dealers are getting into classical music, especially Brahms, so we needed a new ploy.”

Stations in Tower Hamlets, Hackney, Lambeth and Haringey are to be issued with CDs of Ken Livingston reading his 2004 book, “London Plan”, and for extreme situations where dealers are more reluctant to move, the Helen Fielding novel, “Bridget Jones’s Diary”.

“So far trials have proved very successful,” said Comelately, “When we piloted the ‘Ken reads London Plan’ CD in Turnpike Lane the station was empty of everyone within thirty seconds. We didn't have many customers that day, but hey, we kept the criminals out.”

Pilot testing of the ‘Ken reads Bridget Jones’s Diary’ CD was said to have been less successful. When tested at Bow Road station in East London, two drug dealers residing in the station immediately took their own lives, prompting another TFL spokesman to say that system still needed ‘fine tuning’.

For the seventh time in a row, Ken Livingstone listens to himself
 read 'Bridget Jones's Diary'.

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