Thursday, 16 January 2014


Children as young as five are to be required to complete the full six-week Insanity workout instead of taking P.E. lessons at school. An Education spokesman said the move was to tackle the rise in early onset obesity, which has already caused over two hundred thousand classroom chairs to become obsolete. Once settled into year 2 at school, children will be issued with their Insanity workout DVDs and wallcharts, and will attend a video briefing from Shawn T himself.

“We are going to achieve insane results, insaaaanely early!” said T, applying a thin coating of baby oil to his frighteningly sculpted torso, “I wanna see tight abs, I wanna see strong thighs, I wanna to see powerful arms and I wanna see bulging pectorals! All before the kids enter year 3, when they can then concentrate on reading and shit.”

Inevitably, the government’s extreme measure has been met with fury from parents and schools across the country. A group of disaffected parents and teachers protested against the changes by ‘not exercising’ in front of the Ministry of Education, ‘celebrating’ their insalubriousness by lying about smoking fags and drinking. The rabble was quickly dispersed however, following the tactical deployment of a burger van by the Police, which soon prompted many of the group to abandon their protests and seek a cheeseburger.

Some commentators however, have taken a very different view of the government’s proposed initiatives. Conspiracy theorist and far-right blogger Wal Parannoyd, says the Coalition is in fact trying to create a master race of warrior children - who will grow up to become the Spartans of the modern era - in order to combat Britain’s rapidly shrinking military capabilities.

“Just the other day Robert Gates said that Britain’s military may soon fall short of many others around it,” said Parannoyed, “If you can’t spend money on high-tech equipment, you are left with no other option. You have to create a master race.”  

The average fat kid in 2025.
CITY NEWS: Shares in the company Maximuscle rose eight percent in one day, following a further announcement that said millk/juice provisions in schools will be replaced by creatine enriched protein shakes and thermabol capsules. 

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