Thursday, 19 July 2012


Midway through its nine hundred and eighty forth day, the Leveson Inquiry saw its biggest challenge yet, as Lord Leveson himself admitted, he really couldn’t be arsed with it anymore.

Following the release and examination of another damning piece of evidence against the tabloid press, Lord Leveson shocked onlookers as he interrupted Robert Jay QC to say:

“Oh for fucks sake, I can’t be arsed with this shit anymore.”

The normally cool and calculated Jay was clearly taken aback; but with faultless professionalism he remained within court etiquette and politely enquired as to the reason for the Lord’s revelation.

“Because we know everyone is guilty, you don’t have to go on and on!” Leveson boomed, smacking his forehead, “Wouldn’t it just be quicker to send everyone to jail? We could be done in a matter of days. Summary justice exists for a reason doesn’t it?”

Leveson then stormed out of the room amidst a chorus of gasps, leaving a trail of scattered papers in his wake. As he opened the door to leave he turned back and said:

“You lot piss me off. All of you.”

Members of the inquiry, lawyers and visiting members of the press were left guessing as to Leveson’s sudden change of heart; though speculation was rife. Many reasons were suggested; from disillusion at the failure of the enquiry to bring about real change in the press - to the health of Lord Leveson himself. One explanation however, seemed to have the largest number of subscribers.

“When he first opened the inquiry in November, he thought it would all be over by now,” said one lawyer, a concerned look gripping her face, “as I understand it he has tickets for the 100m final and he doesn’t want to miss it.” She then nodded solemnly as she confessed: “He just loves Usain Bolt.”

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