Wednesday, 18 July 2012


In the wake of the Libor fixing scandal, the British Banking Association (‘BBA’) has been compelled to seek a new way of generating its daily inter-bank lending rate. The BBA previously presided over a system where banks themselves would convene at the Velvet Pussy Lounge for daily cigars and brandy; and submit what they felt the lending rate should be - based on their own assessment of their balance sheets.  However, news that banks have been manipulating this system has led to calls for widespread changes; with the BBA now saying that the daily Libor rates will instead be decided by a daily lottery.

“We intend to randomly select the numbers comprising the Libor rate,” said Mark Stark of the BBA, “I know someone with an old bingo machine, so we can probably use that.”

When questioned as to why a lottery method was to be used, Stark’s response was stark:

“It’s the only way we can guarantee that the banks won’t try and cheat the system for their own benefit,” he grimaced, adding “the macro-economic turmoil that this may cause is a small price to pay.”

It has been rumoured that Dale Winton will host the daily lottery, which will be televised every morning live on BBC Breakfast. The Director-General of the BBC is viewing the policy change positively:

“We are looking at this as a very exciting opportunity,” he said, “particularly for Dale, as everyone knows he is a world-class lottery presenter and an avid day-trader in the commodities market.”

The banks’ reception of the news has been luke-warm; with some believing that the system will not last, and others feeling even if it does – someone will soon find a way of cheating it.

We questioned an unnamed trader from an investment bank in London about his feelings on the policy change, to which he replied:

“Shine my shoe you c***********nt!”

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