The Gristle Digest

The only satire podcast you need.

A weekly round-up of news and sport, chewing through the bits you were too disgusted to get through yourself...

Check out the latest episode on YouTube: http://tinyurl.com/hxfgcq7

CAMERON VS BORIS: PROJECT FACT VS PROJECT FEAR, ALIEN VS PREDATOR.

Britain is bracing itself for the biggest Tory punch-up since Thatcher’s famous biffing of Michael Heseltine in a row about his foppish hairdo. With Mayor of London and three-time Zip-wire World Champion Boris Johnson slamming the government’s pro EU stance, the Tory party is set for another Euro-sceptic-centric bloodbath.  Plans are already underway to build panic rooms into the Tory party’s Millbank HQ, with additional bunkers close to Westminster for Tory MPs to take refuge from the war that is soon to be raging around them. Some however, are using the impending duel as an opportunity for innovative merchandising.

“We’ve been piloting the idea of a Dave vs Boris computer game,” said Tory marketing manager, Willy Banter, “It’d be a beat-em-up kinda game, a bit like Mortal Kombat. Dave’s special weapon would be his tie which would double up as a garrotte, and Boris would have his turbo-powered rugby tackle, like the one he did on that Japanese school kid.”

Not wanting to miss out on an opportunity to plunder people’s money, Hollywood film makers have also stolen a ticket for the blue gravy train. The rumours swirling around the prostitutes and cracked pavements of Hollywood suggest that Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to star in a film about the Bullingdon-boy-brawlathon.

“We think it will be like an Alien vs Predator kinda thing. Two rampaging beasts battling it out, but with Arnie coming along and killing them both,” said Hollywood goss-boss, Roger Megood, whilst aggressively crossing his legs “Arnie will be great for this role. He’s so up to speed on the Brexit debate…only kidding! He thought Brexit was a laxative.” 

If the fight was over 12 rounds, you know who'd win.... 

HIP-HOP COMMUNITY LEFT REELING AFTER THE BEAT Y’ALL, SOMEONE DID STOP

Fourteen people were hospitalised and several others were left deeply in shock at a hip-hop concert in Atlanta, Georgia, where contrary to long and almost sacrosanct held expectations, “to the beat y’all”, someone did stop.

“Oh shit it just went crazy yo, everybody was losing their shit,” said hip-hop fan, Willard Fung, “Normally, you don’t stop, to the beat y’all, you don’t stop,” Fung continued, “But some crazy ass fool did stop! Right there in front of everyone, mother fucker stopped!”

Unable to cope with the stopping man, the rapper on stage, up and coming local performer, Rufus E, or Roof-E to his homies, collapsed onto a heap of mixing equipment, which fell off stage and caused a number of injuries. The most severe injuries however were sustained in the prolonged shoot out with automatic weapons that ensued.

Promoters in Atlanta’s thriving hip-hop community are said to already have begun implementing measures to prevent people from stopping in future.

“We spiking drinks with speed, we slipping niggers pills and shit,” said promoter, Dirt-E Preezt, “And if they still want to stop after that, we shoot the motherfuckers.”

Freddie never stops.

JADA PINKETT SMITH URGES PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION BOYCOTT IF THERE ARE NO BLACK NOMINEES

Following her recent tweets of disbelief at the lack of black nominees at this year’s Oscars, the Fresh Prince’s wife is again asking for a boycott if there is another failure to represent black people. Though most shared her dismay at the second all white Oscar nomination list a row, few shared her belief that the Presidential election was quite the same thing. Late yesterday, Jada Pinkett-Smith tweeted the following: “Boycott the presidential election if there are no black nominees. Ours is a strong and noble people.”

Sources close to Pinkett-Smith that her comments should not be misread, and that they are in effect and aftershock reaction to the earthquake of racism Pinkett-Smith felt at this year’s Oscar nomination list.

“After that list came, out, she started seeing racism everywhere,” said Willow Smith, shortly before shaking her hair back and forth, “She even said we should boycott the Indian restaurant because there were no blacks working there. It sucks, I liked that place. I flick my hair back and forth….”

Spike Lee joined once again was quick to join Pinkett-Smith in her calls for a race-wide boycott:

“Sister Pinkett-Smith is right. It’s time to boycott those cracker-ass racists.”

Another place boycotted by Jada Pinkett-Smith.

#ZEITbites

UK News
TORY PARTY DETERMINED TO LOSE ‘NASTY PARTY’ TITLE – In favour of the slogan much loved by Millwall fans: “Nobody likes us, we don’t care.”

DOCTORS STRIKE WINS WIDESPREAD SUPPORT… for private medical insurance providers.

World News
ANGELA MERKEL SET TO WELCOME MORE IMMIGRANTS… to take up residence in France as soon as possible.

WESTERN POWERS AND ISIS SET FOR DISCUSSIONS – Both sides are due to stage internal talks to determine exactly how to eliminate the other side.

Sport
CHELSEA PROMISE TO GIVE NEXT MANAGER A CHANCE… to cajole a bunch of self-important tossers into winning every trophy under the sun within a single season, at the absolute latest. 

UK ATHLETICS CALL FOR WIPING OF ALL RECORDS – Sebastian Coe is said to be disgusted at the dusty condition of the UKA’s vinyl collection.

Lord Coe was not pleased at the state of the UKA's original 5" copy of "Baby Love" by the Supremes

#ZEITbites

Politics

LABOUR’S NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES – Corbyn organises shadow cabinet visit to a local kebab shop…

LIB DEMS LOOK SET TO REGAIN POWER – Electricity finally turned on after three day power-cut at London HQ…

TORIES PLEDGE TO HELP THE YOUNG – …transition smoothly from benefit dependence into adult poverty….

LABOUR PEER SUPPORTS CORBYN – Lord Grabiner managed to catch a fainting Corbyn when he informed him of his resignation…

On his way not to meet the Queen.

Sport

ENGLAND BATSMEN SHOW FIGHT IN UAE – …for approximately twelve minutes, before wilting and folding like a defeated leaf of lettuce.

MOURINHO SHOWS HUMILITY IN DEFEAT TO WEST HAM – …though not before behaving like a bell-end and getting sent off.

KIWIS LOOK TO MEET AUSSIES IN LONDON SHOW DOWN AFTER DOWNING PROTEAS – The final of the Walkabout’s “Get Fuckin’ Pissed” Challenge takes place in London next week.

The Southern hemisphere's best fight it out in London.

World

PATRICIA LOOKS SET TO OBLITERATE LARGE PARTS OF MEXICO – Fat woman from Basildon promises to “smash it up” on her upcoming holiday to Cancun.

US AND RUSSIA IN TALKS OVER SYRIA – Planes from opposing air forces accidentally cross radio waves whilst flying bombing raids over the country.

HILLARY CLINTON GOES FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH IN RUN UP TO PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN – Former first lady is one month into the Insanity workout programme… 

Reaping the benefits of maximum interval training.

ZEITlies UK News Round-Up

Talk Talk hacking problem “smaller than first thought” as no one actually uses Talk Talk – The communications company was delighted to announce that the size of the hacking problem had affected less customers than initially thought, after investigations revealed hardly anyone uses shitty Talk Talk anyway. Company insiders also confirmed that the details of the customers who do still use Talk Talk, are likely to be dirty and undesirable in any event.

George Osborne demands that the nation’s cleaners contribute more to GDP – Looking to defend his widely criticised move to remove tax credits for the lowest earners in the country, Osborne has said he believes that such a move can improve the nation's productivity. Responding to comments that his cuts mostly affect cleaners and street sweepers, Osborne was quick to point out that if the lazy bastards just “cleaned harder and faster, the nation’s debt would be gone in no time”.

Germaine Greer completes journey from revolutionary to “Instrument of the Man” – After her bewilderingly transphobic comments this week in the run up to a university lecture tour she is undertaking, Greer’s actions have confirmed that like everyone with any idealism as a young person, she too has finally become “The Man”. Few thought that a revolutionary feminist could ever represent an establishment viewpoint, but when Greer snorted that transgender people could never be women, her journey to Man-hood was complete.

British Olympic Committee face bakery based bribery allegations – With a nation perennially in the grip of baking fever, the British Olympic Committee is facing allegations that it attempted to bribe the IOC to include baking as an Olympic sport at the next Winter Games. An IOC statement says several delegates received packages from the British committee that included envelopes of money, and perfectly cooked apple turnovers and Victoria sandwiches with Marry Berry’s signature buttercream filling.

Whatevs. You're totes 'The Man' now.

METEOROLOGISTS DEMAND ‘SCARIER NAMES’ FOR HURRICANES IN ORDER TO SUFFICIENTLY WARN PUBLIC

As hurricane season swirls its way into the Caribbean and the Western seaboard of Mexico, meteorologists are demanding that hurricanes are given scarier names in order to sufficiently warn the public of the terror they actually bring.

“Right now we got Patricia,” said Fox News weatherman, Chet Thunder, “Who the heck is scared of anyone or anything called Patricia. You can’t expect the public to take that seriously. I mean look what happened with Katrina? You name a storm after a figure skater and no one gives a shit!”

A concerned group of weathermen and women have gathered across social media to collate a list of hurricane names they felt would be of a sufficiently threatening nature such that the public would likely take them seriously. This list includes, names like “Vladimir”, “Adolf”, “Ivan” and “Darth Vader”, though the name hurricane “Robin Thicke” was excluded from the list, with many feeling such a name would only be threatening to women who enjoyed consensual sex.

“Just imagine the impact it would have on the news if the anchor was yelling Adolf is coming!” said Thunder, “It’s exactly the kind of weather communication we need at Fox News.”

It doesn't even look like a 'Patricia'. 

Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

FIVE TEST CRICKET CAREERS THAT WERE ANNOYINGLY CUT SHORT…

1.       Donald Bradman

The Don, the Big Man, Bradders (ok I made that nickname up, but it sounds good), is a cricketer that needs no introduction, but “bloke with nearly a hundred average” isn’t a bad place to start. Widely regarded as the greatest batsmen to play the game, he has an average that is the benchmark for all modern cricketers. But thanks to a lack of matches and a bloody world war, the little man from Cootamundra only played 52 tests. This is a fact that will constantly blight the Don’s otherwise astonishing batting average, but in a way which is utterly beyond his control!

2.       Vinod Kambli

It’s quite possible that many young cricket fans today won’t even know Vinod Kambli, but when he burst on to the scene against England in 1993, many were sure he was the next big thing. He was the other bloke who got more runs than Tendulkar in “that partnership” from school cricket, and in his third test match, he notched up a double hundred. He managed to repeat the feart in the very next game, but just thirteen matches later and Kambli’s test career was over in amidst a miasma of indiscipline and misapplication, leaving many Indian fans wondering what could have been…

3.       Marcus Trescothick

Ok, Trescothick played 76 test matches and ended up with a respectable average of over 43. But following a series of mental health issues and supposed marital problems (everyone knows the story about his wife…), the wonderfully explosive left-hander was forced into an early retirement from international cricket,  prematurely depriving the world of one of England’s most attractive batsman to watch in recent times.

4.       Greame Pollock

There are a number of Proteas players whose careers were truncated by the sporting boycott of apartheid South Africa, but Greame Pollock is arguably the greatest. He played the last of his 28 test matches against Australia in 1970, in a series that handed the Aussies their heaviest ever defeat. Pollock notched up a masterful 270 at Kingsmead, partnered by an equally explosive Barry Richards. The Proteas whitewashed the Aussies in the last series they would play in for over twenty years, and Pollock was reduced to playing county cricket - and the occasional rebel tour - for the rest of his career.

5.       Mohammed Amir

Even after the ban expires he’s still got years left in those legs, but boy was he plucked from the scene at his absolute prime. Part of the reason why the match fixing allegations in 2010 were so shocking, is that they concerned a young cricketer whose talent and ability had enthralled the cricket world. Here was an 18 year old kid who was swinging the ball with Wasim Akramian precision at ninety miles an hour, and he was only going to get better. Five years later and he is still to play another game…

6.       Jonathan Trott

Only kidding.

His career was too long, As was every one of his innings.

“SHOULDN’T YOU AT LEAST CLEAN THAT BIBLE?” SAYS BEWILDERED CHILD TO PRIEST

Priests in the UK are 4 times more likely to molest children than they are to impart any amount of theological instruction to anyone, a recent report commissioned by the Daily Sport has found. The report surveyed a thousand people who attended Church as children, with only 10% of respondents admitting to ever having learned anything theological from their priest. However, a staggering 40% of respondents did admit to having being molested by their priest, with 5% of respondents answering that they though molestation was part of communion.

The Church of England was quick to respond to the report, immediately issuing a statement:

“We are thoroughly encouraged by the report, which said that only 40% of children were molested by their priest. This is a significant fall on the 90% figure that emerged from the last report of this kind.”

The Catholic Archdiocese quickly followed suit, with Cardinal Sins stating unequivocally:

“I couldn’t give a shit.”

Children’s rights groups were quick to denounce the Church for the findings of the report, with some suggesting an Operation Yewtree style operation should be undertaken to uncover possible instances of historic abuse. A spokesman from the Department of Justice said “We literally don’t have enough courts in England and Wales to cope with that kind of caseload.”

Children’s charity Chairperson, Barah Gopardifofree spoke to press from her donor funded rooftop swimming pool:

“We at the Children’s charity have fought for many victims of abuse,” said Gopardifofree whilst sipping a glass of vintage champagne, “I hired my daughter to look into this, and after three years of working 2 hours a week, she helped 2 kids obtain free counselling on the NHS. It was definitely worth paying her the 100k salary…”

"Fetch that pew cushion little boy..."

NOVAK DJOKOVIC LEFT DIZZY AFTER SMELLING A ‘VIRULENT FART’ ON COURT

World No. 1 and current Wimbledon champion, Novak Djokovic, was forced to stop his second round clash at the Rogers Cup in Montreal after catching a face-full of someone’s fart. Djokovic was visibly in discomfort and claimed he felt dizzy after catching a malevolent whiff of fart that had drifted on to Court No. 1.

“Can you smell that? It smells like boiled cabbage?” a teary eyed Djokovic complained to the line judge, “Somebody is farting, right here. It's unbelievable. It smells so bad I can’t concentrate.”

Djokovic’s opponent denied reports that he was seen eating a curry the night before, and offered to undergo testing to show he hadn’t farted at the time Djokovic broke down. The World No. 1 quickly recovered to win the match in straight sets, but rushed into his dressing room immediately upon the match’s conclusion to check if his eye brows had been singed.

In the press conference after the match, the Wimbledon Champion was more relaxed about the incident, but warned that controls need to be tightened to ensure such a thing didn’t happen again.

“They can’t expect us to play world class tennis when you are smelling farts and god knows what else,” said Djokovic, placing a needle into the kneecap of his Andy Murray doll, “I mean they got to stop all smells really, all sounds too. In fact, it’s about time that they just stopped letting people watch the games.” 

Djokovic is said to have seen his life flash before his eyes.

MAN SMOKING CIGARETTE ON STATION PLATFORM BRANDED "THE BIGGEST REBEL OF ALL TIME"

A man who regularly lights up a morning cigarette on the platform of Devons Road DLR station has been branded "the biggest rebel of all time". The man’s brazen disregard for the nation's smoking laws is said to be the most strident example of anti-establishmentarianism since the time Jeremy Corbyn mooned Michael Heseltine in Westminster Hall.

“He just doesn’t care,” said fellow commuter, Janet Fuxley, “Most of us though he was vaping, and it’s an open platform so who cares. But when we realised he was actually smoking , we all thought, woah, this guy is a fucking rebel.”

The man is said to be an office worker at a bank or law firm in Canary Wharf. It is unclear what has made this otherwise functioning member of society become such a dangerous outlaw, but local law enforcement has already issued posters offering a reward for information about him.

“I know that it’s wrong to do it, but oh my god,” continued a dough eyed Fuxley, “I love a rebel! He’s like James Dean or Brian Harvey from East-17. Enigmatic and irresistible.”  

An artist's rendition of the smoking man of Devons Road.

VIRGINIA POLICE OFFICER ACCIDENTALLY FAILS TO KILL BLACK PERSON WHEN SHOOTING HIM

A Virginia police officer inadvertently failed to kill an unarmed black civilian, when shooting him for a minor misdemeanour in Richmond last night. Officer Ray Sissed was reported to have shot unarmed black teenager, Demarkevius LaShawn Jackson-Thomas, following an altercation outside of a convenience store on the outskirts of Richmond.

“I saw the suspect leave the store with what looked like a can of soda in his hands,” said Officer Sissed, squirting a wad of soggy wad of tobacco from his mouth into a nearby spittoon, “I of course assumed that he stole that can of soda at gunpoint so I proceeded to try and apprehend the suspect. When he failed to respond to my whispered calls of ‘stop’, I pulled out my gun and started shooting.”

Sissed explained that inexplicably, he ignored all his previous training on how to shoot an unarmed black civilian, and shot LaShawn Jackson-Thomas in the leg thereby rendering him immobile and no longer a threat. When Sissed realised what he had done, he was said to have been inconsolable.

“When I realised I didn’t put six bullets in the back of his head for a crime he may or may not have committed, I knew it was time for me to take a break from policing,” said a tearful Sissed, “I just want to be able to protect and serve the right way. The American way.”

Richmond police officers await a black teenager alleged to have used the 'F word'.

RECORD RISE IN CITY BREAK BOOKINGS FOLLOWING THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF ANOTHER TUBE STRIKE

Travel agents across London have experienced an unprecedented rise in bookings for city breaks following the announcement of another tube strike due to take place this week. Travel agents believe the rise represents a growing trend amongst Londoners to use the increasing number of strike days to have a long weekend or a short break away.

“It’s basically like having another bank holiday,” said Thomas Cook spokesman, Tom Cook, “ Most people will no doubt be informing their employers that they will be working from home on the strike day, but really, it’s likely they will be taking advantage of some of our fabulous getaway offers.”

London office worker, Sharon Farronbarron, said that the strike was the perfect opportunity for office workers across the capital to cool their heels for a day, whilst also being able to exhibit disingenuous indignation at the actions of the unions.

“It’s great,” said Farron, browsing through Groupon offers to use on the day of the strike, “I get to treat myself AND I get to act all high and mighty by calling those union workers a bunch of lazy, overpaid bastards trying to ruin the lives of hard working people like me…. Ooh, look, half price spa day!”

The sign at Waterloo Underground Station manages to hypnotise hundreds of commuters.

VETERANS CELEBRATE THE USE OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS BY REMEMBERING VJ DAY

Literally pairs of veterans gathered to remember VJ day at events around the country, staged to commemorate the destruction of Japanese cities by the deployment of nuclear weapons, and Japan’s eventual surrender in World War 2. Seventy years ago, the day also marked the release of thousands of British POWs, held in Japanese prison camps.

“It’s a bloody disgrace how they treated the POWs,” said former Royal Navy officer, Barney O’Mahoney, “I mean sure, we dropped a nuke on them and slaughtered thousands of civilians, but seriously, it’s about time they apologised.”

The Tory government echoed this sentiment, issuing a statement saying that Japan should still feel remorse for the disgraceful way it treated its POWs. The Japanese Ambassador in London is said to have responded by delivering a book titled “British Colonial History” and a list of countries waiting for apologies to the Foreign Office.

“We can’t forget the bravery of Britain and her allies in their bitter struggle to bring the  Japanese conflict to a close,” said defence spokesman Lance Kinderfrau, “It took courage to drop those A-bombs, and we remember that every VJ day.”

Sticking it to the Japs.

FEARS OF CLAIRE BALDING’S IMMINENT WORLD DOMINATION GRADUALLY SUBSIDE

The world has breathed a sigh of relief at news that Wimbledon2day, the latest show in the endless run of BBC produced Claire Balding-a-thons, is to be axed and replaced by the eminently more popular and palatable “steaming pile of shit in front of a brick wall.” The BBC is said to have received more complaints about the highlight show than the time the British National Party were allowed to host CeeBeebies, with Wimbledon2day producer, Emmenthal Untersachel, calling the show’s response “a furious, unrelenting torrent of completely rational hatred.”

After her perceived success at presenting the London 2012 Olympics, Claire Balding saw a meteoric rise in visibility, branching out beyond just sport into programmes like Comic Relief, the National Lottery, Eastenders and even the weather. On one day in May 2014, Claire Balding was said to have presented for 89% of the time broadcast on BBC 1 during a 24 hour period. With the revamped Wimbledon highlights show added to her roster, many felt that Claire Balding’s world domination was inevitable.

“I’d already heard that she was recording all the Sat Nav voices for Tom Tom and Garmin, the in-flight safety messages on BA, Emirates and Virgin. My daughter is even taking a GCSE in Claire Balding next year,” said long-time Wimbledon fan, Stanley Gutthare, “I thought it wouldn’t be long before everywhere you looked you’d see her trademark brand of awkward toffishness and shit haircuts. When the show was axed I’m not ashamed to say I cried with joy. I held my daughter and we just cried and cried. We were so happy.” 

Balding decides to coin another hashtag.

SITUATION IN GREECE IS MORE FUCKED-UP THAN A PUPPYDOG MASSACRE

With tragedy, farce, lies, delusion, masochism and sheer folly, the situation in Greece has all the ingredients of a complete fuck pie. Whether Greece stays in the Euro but has to sacrifice ninety percent of its economy to do so, or whether it leaves the Euro in an orgy of self-harm and sacrifices ninety percent of its economy in the process, there are no winners in what is widely being touted as the most fucked-up situation in recent memory.

“We have a situation where, if justice is done, Greece will be decimated,” said Shitibank analyst, Ima Jerkov, “However we also have a situation where, if justice isn’t done, Greece will be decimated. It’s totes fucked-up.”

The views of the public across the EU appear to reflect this total fuckfest of a predicament. In a recent poll commissioned by Angela Merkel’s advisors, Rowswivkranks and Buildemfirm, 85% of Europeans felt “Greece should be helped in its hour of need”. However, 90% of the same Europeans also felt “Greece could fuck off if it thinks I’m going to pay for it.”

In Westminster, Tory Treasury spokesman, Nigel Crotchwisker, said there was no obvious solution to Greece’s predicament:

“This shows the weakness of the European project as there is no way of resolving Greece’s inability to pay its debts to its European partners,” said Crotchwisker, whilst browsing online for holiday villas in Crete, “I mean sure, we could give them money, but come on, would you want to give someone money who retired when they were 35?"

More fucked-up than this guy's face.

Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

4 THINGS ABOUT CRICKET THIS WEEK THAT MAKE YOU FEEL A BIT SAD 

1.       New Zealand are probably better at ODIs than they are at Tests – Following a rip-roaring effort in the world cup and some strong performances in their recent home test series, hopes were high for the ever-confident Kiwis as they headed to England for a two test ‘series’. Such hopes seemed to be well founded when on day one of the first test match at Lord’s, New Zealand’s bowlers had the hosts at 30-4. However, they soon found a way to carve out a losing position and thanks to some mercurial batting by Ben Stokes, the match was lost. Now the second test is evenly poised, and New Zealand may be heading home winless after promising so much before the start of the series…

2.       Pakistan might have trouble attracting more visitors – The cricketing world rejoiced with the return of international cricket in Pakistan, with the mighty Zimbabwe agreeing to play in the first international matches since the attack on the Sri Lankan players in 2009. The series comprised of a few ODIs and after the first two matches all seemed to be well. What was all the paranoia about? Why can’t people just chill-out yeah? Then there was a suicide bombing in Lahore. Oh dear. The series will continue but you fancy that this probably wasn’t the cricketing tourist-ad the PCB was hoping for…

3.       We won’t see Shiv Chanderpaul again – He’s finally been dropped. After four hundred and seven years in the West Indian batting line-up, front-facing, war-paint wearing run-machine Shiv Chanderpaul has finally been dropped from the Windies squad after a long run of poor form. Old friend Brian Lara spoke out at what he thought was ill-treatment of his pal, but the master batsman’s protestations fell on deaf ears as Shiv was told to put the war paint away for good.

4.       Graham Gooch is no longer England’s highest Test run scorer – Well done to Alistair Cook for breaking Gooch’s record but one feels that now he is no longer the record holder, who will remember the Great Graham Gooch? Masterful player of spin, scorer of the highest test score by an Englishman, a reformer and professional as captain; owner of one of the finest moustaches in modern test cricket. Though he was one of the finest English batsman and captains of his generation, his legacy and his runs have long been forgotten by kids of today, who know the Ashes 2005 team and little else. At least when he was the top dog, you had to respect Goochie. Now, who will?

Graham Gooch was delighted for Alistair Cook.

PRINCE WILLIAM THREATENS TO SEND AN ARMY TO SWITZERLAND IF FIFA DOESN’T CLEAN UP ITS ACT

Seemingly forgetting the constitutional limitations to his power, Prince William – riding a horse and dressed in full 16th century armour - issued a stern warning to disgraced football fixers FIFA: clean up your act, or I’m sending in the cavalry.

Surprisingly, the Prince’s glaringly empty threats have been met with huge support the world over (rather than the giggling disdain which they deserve) with many footballers voicing their approval on various forms of social media. Former England striker and Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker tweeted “it was about time someone gave FIFA the charge!”, with former QPR defender and French speaker Joey Barton also tweeting “I hope FIFA gets its fucking cunt-face smashed in.”

The newly elected Tory government are said to be quietly concerned at the Prince's sudden display of feudal bullishness, given the diplomatic problems that this could entail, but are also said to be stunned with admiration that the glorious heir to the throne is flexing his divine muscles.

“Clearly it can create problems if the Prince starts making unilateral declarations,” said Foreign Secretary Phillip Hammond, “But at the same time, to see one of our Royals stand up to those brutes fills my heart with pride…”

FIFA are yet to respond to the Prince’s threats, though some have speculated that in the event of any cavalry charge by the Duke of Cambridge, Russian president Vladimir Putin is likely to provide full nuclear support to FIFA. Sepp Blatter is believed to have said he doesn’t care if everyone in Switzerland is exterminated, he will not stop being corrupt until the day he dies.

Ohhh shit, now he's pissed....

TORIES BAN EVERY SINGLE SUBSTANCE AVAILABLE TO MANKIND APART FROM TOBACCO, ALCOHOL AND CAFFEINE

In an attempt to crack down on so-called ‘legal highs’, the Tories have imposed a blanket ban on all ‘psychoactive substances’ except the psychoactive substances that Tories actually use and enjoy. The Psychoactive Substance Act will ban all chemicals and substances with psychoactive properties, with exceptions for alcohol, tobacco and caffeine, as all are categorised as food or medicinal products. 

There are also other exceptions for other Tory psychoactive favourites, including mouldy Gentleman’s Relish and the odd pop of nose-candy.

“Every week two more ‘legal highs’ are discovered somewhere in Europe at one of those blasted hippy-do raves,” said government drugs spokesman, Nev Agotlean, “It’s about time someone put a stop to all of those stinky, probably Labour, hippies spinning out on weird crap we don’t understand. 

They are only allowed to spin out on stuff that we like – like brandy shots in the eye and the odd cigarillo!”

Some head-shop owners are intensely scrutinising the new Act looking for loopholes that may allow them to continue selling their now illegal ‘legal highs’.

“We’ve already started doing popper sandwiches and a salvia casserole,” said head-shop owner, AG Hippitoff, “We are thinking about offering nitrous oxide therapy, as a way of utilising its medicinal potential, but we’re not sure about it yet man.”

The Psychoactive Act has prescribed strict penalties for those caught in possession of any substance it regards as prohibited. The potential of a seven year custodial sentence means possession of a ‘legal high’ may now be worse than possession of an illegal drug, which most believe will confuse Police and give them just another reason to harass ethnic minorities.

Crap looking packaging is sadly still legal.