Tuesday, 8 September 2015


Priests in the UK are 4 times more likely to molest children than they are to impart any amount of theological instruction to anyone, a recent report commissioned by the Daily Sport has found. The report surveyed a thousand people who attended Church as children, with only 10% of respondents admitting to ever having learned anything theological from their priest. However, a staggering 40% of respondents did admit to having being molested by their priest, with 5% of respondents answering that they though molestation was part of communion.

The Church of England was quick to respond to the report, immediately issuing a statement:

“We are thoroughly encouraged by the report, which said that only 40% of children were molested by their priest. This is a significant fall on the 90% figure that emerged from the last report of this kind.”

The Catholic Archdiocese quickly followed suit, with Cardinal Sins stating unequivocally:

“I couldn’t give a shit.”

Children’s rights groups were quick to denounce the Church for the findings of the report, with some suggesting an Operation Yewtree style operation should be undertaken to uncover possible instances of historic abuse. A spokesman from the Department of Justice said “We literally don’t have enough courts in England and Wales to cope with that kind of caseload.”

Children’s charity Chairperson, Barah Gopardifofree spoke to press from her donor funded rooftop swimming pool:

“We at the Children’s charity have fought for many victims of abuse,” said Gopardifofree whilst sipping a glass of vintage champagne, “I hired my daughter to look into this, and after three years of working 2 hours a week, she helped 2 kids obtain free counselling on the NHS. It was definitely worth paying her the 100k salary…”

"Fetch that pew cushion little boy..."

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