Monday, 6 July 2015


The world has breathed a sigh of relief at news that Wimbledon2day, the latest show in the endless run of BBC produced Claire Balding-a-thons, is to be axed and replaced by the eminently more popular and palatable “steaming pile of shit in front of a brick wall.” The BBC is said to have received more complaints about the highlight show than the time the British National Party were allowed to host CeeBeebies, with Wimbledon2day producer, Emmenthal Untersachel, calling the show’s response “a furious, unrelenting torrent of completely rational hatred.”

After her perceived success at presenting the London 2012 Olympics, Claire Balding saw a meteoric rise in visibility, branching out beyond just sport into programmes like Comic Relief, the National Lottery, Eastenders and even the weather. On one day in May 2014, Claire Balding was said to have presented for 89% of the time broadcast on BBC 1 during a 24 hour period. With the revamped Wimbledon highlights show added to her roster, many felt that Claire Balding’s world domination was inevitable.

“I’d already heard that she was recording all the Sat Nav voices for Tom Tom and Garmin, the in-flight safety messages on BA, Emirates and Virgin. My daughter is even taking a GCSE in Claire Balding next year,” said long-time Wimbledon fan, Stanley Gutthare, “I thought it wouldn’t be long before everywhere you looked you’d see her trademark brand of awkward toffishness and shit haircuts. When the show was axed I’m not ashamed to say I cried with joy. I held my daughter and we just cried and cried. We were so happy.” 

Balding decides to coin another hashtag.

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